This week has been rough. I started back to work last Friday after 10 days of vacation and that was actually not the rough part. Saturday evening I got sick. I usually don't catch the common cold, *knock on wood* I haven't had the flu in 3 years, and I rarely go to the doctor. Saturday night I got some weird sniffly thing and then by Sunday I'd pretty much lost my voice and developed a nice chesty cough. The sickness wasn't all that terrible, but mix that with work and school and it being the last few days before midterm...I was ready to crack.
Tuesday while at work I had a very frustrating day. I was still sick and trying to be therapeutic with a boy on the caseload that I co-case on. He was in a bad spot and I had an hour long conversation with him that literally had no effect on his attitude. He's one I can usually bring around, one that just needs a bolster here and there. Tuesday, however, absolutely nothing worked. He ended up running from the program and getting a decent distance before being restrained in a parking lot. I left work mentally exhausted from school, emotionally exhausted from work, and physically exhausted from my viral crap. I got to class and I just felt like the entire world was crashing down on me. I shot my friend a text and asked her if we could have a date on Wednesday night because I just felt so broken and empty and I needed to laugh. She gave me the greatest gift ever "why don't we get you to church?" she texted back. It was exactly what I knew I needed.
For the past two months I have been doing my whole "fake it til you make it", be strong attitude. I was doing pretty well at it. I was having weekly "dates" with my girlfriends, creating art again, playing guitar a lot, but I wasn't talking about how I felt. I was just ignoring how overwhelmed I feel. For the past 18 years I have been in school. For the past 6 years I've been doing that AND working full time. I AM EXHAUSTED. I work so hard all the time and then when I was in a relationship, I did all that and then on top of it was put down for trying to relax. I started to convince myself that I didn't have the right to take time for myself. I was constantly told what I should be doing and what was expected of me and I began to believe that I was supposed to feel this overwhelmed, that it was my job. Um, absolutely not. I had a coworker whom I had confided in tell me the greatest single statement about relationships that I have always needed to hear. "You need a partner, not a project". I need someone that is going to stand beside me, embrace who I am, applaud what I do and help me balance out the areas that I fall short in. I do not need someone who is going to criticize my shortcomings, accuse me of being selfish, and add more work and stress to my daily life. I have come to the realization that I actually don't need anyone at all until I can find someone that fits my description.
When you're 24 years old and you have a lot of married friends and a lot of friends having babies, being alone is a hard thing to face. You sometimes convince yourself that this person is "close enough" to what you wanted in a husband, boyfriend, etc. and you settle. No one, not a single soul, should ever settle. I'm taking the road of solidarity in singlehood. I am embracing who I am as a woman and what God has called me towards. Recently I have been really missing my mom. There have been multiple times over the past few weeks that all I've wanted to do is call her up and vent or get advice and it pains me to remember that I can't.
Wednesday morning I woke up to a Facebook message from a family friend who just so happened to be one of my 1st grade teachers. She was a great friend to my mom and a huge mentor to my brother and I. She sent me a message that she had a dream about my mom. She had dreamed that it was a school function and it was current times. She looked up and my mom was standing at her table. She stood up and hugged my mom and said "Rose! You're here!" and my mom said "Yeah, but I have to go" and Linda told my mom that she loved her and hugged her goodbye. Linda looked around and asked other people "Did you see Rose here?" and they all said they did. Linda said the last thing she remembers is thinking "She's still here".
I fully believe that God sent that dream to Linda and then told Linda to tell me about it. I think I really needed to be reminded that my mom is still here. I can still talk to my mom. She can still hear me and I can still be supported by her spirit. Not even 30 minutes later, I got a phone call from work officially offering me the promotion I interviewed for last week. God knows when you're at your lowest moments. He knows when your heart is broken and when you need a sign of his unending love. I got that message and that phone call at the exact right time.
Wednesday evening I went to church and it was wonderful. It was the fill up I needed when I was so empty. Today, I'm filling up again by listening to uplifting music and reading uplifting words. My heart is broken today because the client who struggled on Tuesday was taken to jail today and he will never be returning to treatment. It absolutely pains me that we weren't able to help him and he couldn't help himself. I hate that a 16 year old kid with so much potential has to go to jail and suffer. I pray for him and I realize that this is a trial from God for him. He has so much potential for the kingdom of God, I just pray that he can turn his life around and accept the gift that God has given him.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
twenty.four
Friday was my 24th birthday. I decided to spend a few days back home with my family. The plan was for me to get there in the morning, but I slept in and took a long time getting ready and then dilly-dallied around the house.
24 years old.
I ended up leaving my house around 2:15 and after stopping to get gas and a beverage, I was on my way. I love how short the drive is now that I live farther south :) By 3:30 I was tracking down my brother to get him to the mall. His birthday is on Saturday, so I wanted to take him birthday present shopping. Two hours later we left the mall and headed to my dad's house where I helped him get totally Marley swagged out. Benefit to working with inner city kids? I can lace shoes like a mo-fo.
This is my brother Jake. Please note the new DC's, with Marley laces, Marley shirt, Marley wristband and you can't see them very well but he has Marley tapers in his ears. Amazingness.
My bro and I hung out with my dad for a few hours, ate a feast of Chinese food and then met up with my cousin at a local bar so she could buy me a birthday drink. "Western Tap" is quite the anomaly, I must say. It's located on Western St., deduct 2 points for lack of creativity. It is an area of town that in the past 10 years has evolved into a quasi-ghetto. Which is why it makes it that much funnier that smack dab in the middle of it there is straight up cowboy themed western bar. Too funny. We chose it because it was in between my cousin and my dad's house and it was ridiculous.
Somehow, Friday night, I ended up at 21st birthday party for a kid I had never met and still haven't met because at 10:30 they carried him in from the bars completely unconscious. I had a good time though. I ran into some people I knew in high school, got to hang with my brother and had an all around funny experience. Saturday, Jake and I didn't wake up til 1:30...
I spent the rest of the weekend pretty lowkey. Stopped at my grandma's, went to church Sunday morning and then had to stop at my fave coffee spot.
I then somehow ended up at the freaking mall again. The hippie store had buy 1, get 1 jewelry sales. I made 6 jewelry purchases, the greatest of these being:
A mustache ring.
I told my brother that I'd been waiting forever for this moment. This moment being the one where him and I are best friends and have a blast together. I love my brother so much. He's the coolest.
I told my brother that I'd been waiting forever for this moment. This moment being the one where him and I are best friends and have a blast together. I love my brother so much. He's the coolest.
I booked it out of town about 2:15 so I could make it to Orland for the 4:45 showing of The Vow with my friend Abby. Spoiler alert: that movie sucks. We headed to our favorite pickle fry eatery, Houlihan's, and I finally tried the mini martini flight that I've been dying to try for a year. $9 for 3 mini martinis of your choosing!
Adam & Eve, Key Lime, Chocolate Guavatini
Overall I had a pretty amazing weekend. I'm back home now and still have four more days off! Today I've been a bum, I have school tonight. Tomorrow is session 2 of my sleeve and then class tomorrow night. Wednesday, keep me in your prayers, I have an interview for a promotion!
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Happy Vacation to Me!
Yesterday was the first day of my vacation! This is the first time ever that I've had a paid vacation, I almost feel like an adult! I am off of work until next Friday (the 24th) and it's pretty awesome. I still have school and random places to be, but for the most part I am free, free, free.
For the past year and a half I have wanted to get a half sleeve and yesterday I started that process. Here is the result of a 9 hour session yesterday.
I can honestly say that nothing hurt as bad as this tattoo. I have 6 other tattoos in pretty sensitive spots (my feet, wrist, behind my ears, etc.) and this tattoo challenged me. The outline was fine, it took 2 hours just on its own but it was tolerable. The lollipop got colored first and that was fine, no issues. Then we moved to the ring pop and that kind of sucked a little more, then the Reese's and then the ice cream cone. Those two ice cream scoops?? Felt like forever. I wanted to cry, instead I used deep breathing. You probably noticed the cupcake is just an outline...yeah, we're finishing that on Tuesday. We're also bridging that gap between the cupcake and the lollipop. After all the pieces are done...we have to fill all the holes with cotton candy. If I had to guess...I have at least 15 more hours of tattooing ahead of me. I'm so freaking stoked though. I have never loved a tattoo more in my entire life. It's epic.
Luckily one of my guy friends is coming with on Tuesday to hold my hand because when we get to that peep...I might die.
Also, there was this kid there getting his first tattoo ever and we bonded. It was funny. Also, his friend helped me think of what candy to throw on the back to fill the hole. It's awesome. I love creative people because my sleeve is going to be so epic. Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!
For the past year and a half I have wanted to get a half sleeve and yesterday I started that process. Here is the result of a 9 hour session yesterday.
Luckily one of my guy friends is coming with on Tuesday to hold my hand because when we get to that peep...I might die.
Also, there was this kid there getting his first tattoo ever and we bonded. It was funny. Also, his friend helped me think of what candy to throw on the back to fill the hole. It's awesome. I love creative people because my sleeve is going to be so epic. Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!
Monday, February 6, 2012
Don't Hold Your Breath
I have neglected this blog. It has been nearly a month since I last posted. I have no excuse. I have not felt creative, expressive or open, just broken, hurt and exhausted.
Part of me wants to sit here and wallow, throw a pity party, think to myself "how did I get in this mess?" and cry. Then...the sane part of me comes out, the strong part of me...and it goes "Suck it up, lady! We all make mistakes. It's going to be okay!!"
It seems hard to believe that at this point. I see the light at the end of the tunnel but right now it's like a pinhole of light. I just want to sprint to the end of the tunnel and tear open the paper covering the light and stand in the sun. My entire goal this year was to live, thrive and love. I wanted to stop living for the next good day and make every day the good day. I have to remind myself of that so much lately that it's sickening. I'm trying to find this balance between feeling and being strong. My dad is amazing and he reminds me all the time "Sarah Grace, it's okay not to have it all together, I know you're strong but you can feel sad too". That, for me, is the hardest thing to do.
I've spent the last 2 1/2 years being so strong that I almost don't know how to be weak anymore. Some people might look at that as an awesome thing but vulnerability is what makes us human. I struggle with showing vulnerability. When my mom passed away I barely grieved. I didn't do it because I didn't feel sad or because I wasn't upset, I did it because people needed me to be strong. I sacrificed pieces of myself for others. I don't regret that decision. I don't resent the people I sacrificed for. I just realize now that I neglected myself and now, it's my turn to be a little selfish. My dad would be quick to correct me on that and tell me I'm practicing self preservation and not selfishness.
I have had to come to terms with a lot these past few months. If I had to guess, I'd say this all started in May. It's February now. I dillydallied for too long. I should have made the tough decision sooner, but alas, here I am. I am praising God though. I talked to my dad today and told him that I'm thanking God. He was like "Sis, why are you thanking God?" and I told him that I've seen the effects of abuse on people psychologically and I'm so so grateful that I know myself well enough to realize my breaking points. I'm a counselor, I know the warning signs, I understand how the mind works. I knew that I was starting to break. I felt the hard work, the confidence, the motivation and the love I'd worked so hard to create breaking away from inside of me. I saw my grades drop. I saw my weight go up. I stopped sleeping. I started to question every single thing about myself. I praise God in every way, shape and form that I was able to snap out of that, open my eyes and make the tough decision. I know people that have accepted the lies people tell them. I know people that choose to settle for less than they're worth. I thank God that I realized, through Him and through my family that I don't have to settle for anything and that I have worth.
The worst part about abuse is the fact that the abuser doesn't view it as abuse, so it just gets worse and worse and worse. I'd love to say that since we're separated things have gotten easier. They have not. I still question myself. There are people surrounding me, spreading lies, stirring up trouble and trying to bring me down. Sometimes I feel that just as soon as I start to succeed at something, someone has to chuck something at my head. The great thing is that even though they're trying as hard as they can, it isn't going to work. I have a huge God, a loving family and the best friends in the world and I will never, ever, ever believe again that I am not worthy of people's respect. I am humble, I am loving and I am flawed but I deserve to be loved and respected and I will never let anyone convince me otherwise ever again.
Part of me wants to sit here and wallow, throw a pity party, think to myself "how did I get in this mess?" and cry. Then...the sane part of me comes out, the strong part of me...and it goes "Suck it up, lady! We all make mistakes. It's going to be okay!!"
It seems hard to believe that at this point. I see the light at the end of the tunnel but right now it's like a pinhole of light. I just want to sprint to the end of the tunnel and tear open the paper covering the light and stand in the sun. My entire goal this year was to live, thrive and love. I wanted to stop living for the next good day and make every day the good day. I have to remind myself of that so much lately that it's sickening. I'm trying to find this balance between feeling and being strong. My dad is amazing and he reminds me all the time "Sarah Grace, it's okay not to have it all together, I know you're strong but you can feel sad too". That, for me, is the hardest thing to do.
I've spent the last 2 1/2 years being so strong that I almost don't know how to be weak anymore. Some people might look at that as an awesome thing but vulnerability is what makes us human. I struggle with showing vulnerability. When my mom passed away I barely grieved. I didn't do it because I didn't feel sad or because I wasn't upset, I did it because people needed me to be strong. I sacrificed pieces of myself for others. I don't regret that decision. I don't resent the people I sacrificed for. I just realize now that I neglected myself and now, it's my turn to be a little selfish. My dad would be quick to correct me on that and tell me I'm practicing self preservation and not selfishness.
I have had to come to terms with a lot these past few months. If I had to guess, I'd say this all started in May. It's February now. I dillydallied for too long. I should have made the tough decision sooner, but alas, here I am. I am praising God though. I talked to my dad today and told him that I'm thanking God. He was like "Sis, why are you thanking God?" and I told him that I've seen the effects of abuse on people psychologically and I'm so so grateful that I know myself well enough to realize my breaking points. I'm a counselor, I know the warning signs, I understand how the mind works. I knew that I was starting to break. I felt the hard work, the confidence, the motivation and the love I'd worked so hard to create breaking away from inside of me. I saw my grades drop. I saw my weight go up. I stopped sleeping. I started to question every single thing about myself. I praise God in every way, shape and form that I was able to snap out of that, open my eyes and make the tough decision. I know people that have accepted the lies people tell them. I know people that choose to settle for less than they're worth. I thank God that I realized, through Him and through my family that I don't have to settle for anything and that I have worth.
The worst part about abuse is the fact that the abuser doesn't view it as abuse, so it just gets worse and worse and worse. I'd love to say that since we're separated things have gotten easier. They have not. I still question myself. There are people surrounding me, spreading lies, stirring up trouble and trying to bring me down. Sometimes I feel that just as soon as I start to succeed at something, someone has to chuck something at my head. The great thing is that even though they're trying as hard as they can, it isn't going to work. I have a huge God, a loving family and the best friends in the world and I will never, ever, ever believe again that I am not worthy of people's respect. I am humble, I am loving and I am flawed but I deserve to be loved and respected and I will never let anyone convince me otherwise ever again.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Fly
The past two weeks I've been listening to a specific track over and over. It's the last song I listen to before I get out of my car going to work and the last song I listen to before I walk into my house when I get home. That song is Fly by Rihanna and Nicki Minaj. Besides the fact that the song is really good, there are so many lyrics in it that just seem to particularly fit my life.
"I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive. I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise, to fly"
I'm not going to let my life bring me down right now. As much stress and unhappiness as I've had in my life the last few years, the last two weeks have been just as bad, if not worse. I had asked Manuel not to talk to me because he kept saying the same things over and over without actually listening to what I was saying. It was beginning to get really painful because I had deliberately protected his feelings and said what I needed to respectfully and he didn't get it. Then I said the same thing again, but a little meaner, and he still didn't get it. It's become unbearable because every time he catches me he starts having the same conversation again. It's hard to explain, but it's not like he's begging me back. Part of him is begging me, part of him just realizes he royally screwed up and he's pissed because he doesn't think it's his fault. He goes back and forth between crying that he misses me and completely screaming at me and blaming me for everything.
"Me, me, me against them. Me against enemies, me against friends. Somehow they all seem to become one, a sea full of sharks and they all smell blood."
Your true friends come out when you're getting a divorce. Also, the truth of the past 3 years comes out. It's ugly. It's hurtful. It's depressing. You have to reconvince yourself everyday that you're making the right choice. I just keep saying "those you know the least about you always have the most to say". I've been called a slut, a whore, a gold digger. I've been deleted by plenty of people on Facebook. The "teams" have been picked, the lines have been drawn and the truth is quite painful to face at times.
"Cause I am not a word, I am not a line, I am not a girl that can ever be defined. I am not fly, I am levitation, I represent an entire generation"
I keep reminding myself that I know who I am. I know what I need. I know what I deserve and I know what I don't deserve. When I told all this to my dad, I said "at some point I just need to be selfish, for once" and my dad said the smartest thing ever "It's not selfishness, sis, it's self preservation".
I'm going to fly. I'm going to thrive. I'm going to win. I'm going to be okay and the more I tell myself that, the more I'll believe it.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Untitled
Seriously. Seriously. Seriously.
I don't even know where to begin.
Today was by far my worst day ever at work and my brain is literally soup right now. tomato. basil. soup.
I never intended for this blog to be solely about my job, but hey, that's what takes up 40+ hours of every week and it happens to be having a profound affect on me (positively).
I went to work today with a very specific plan. I'm working the day shift, 7-3:30, the boys are back in school from Christmas break. I'll have at least 5 free hours that I can spend doing my paperwork and catching up on what I'm behind on. First rule of residential: never make a plan for your day. It's a surefire way to guarantee that absolutely none of it will work out.
By 9:30 am I should have been an hour into paperwork...instead I was just getting out of a restraint where I had been bit and spit on. Amazing.
By 11:30 am, three of my boys were refusing to go back to school.
By 1:30 pm, one of those boys was throwing chairs at staff.
By 2:00 pm, we had removed anything that could be thrown from the common area and were in a literal standoff with the three boys, waiting for them to riot.
By 2:10 pm, the gentleman visiting from corporate, along with 3/4 of the administrative team and most of the clinical staff, were standing in our common area making sure everything was okay.
By 3:00, myself and another staff had the remaining 9 boys off the program and in the swimming pool.
By 4:00, I was filling out my second police report of the day and the decision was made for me to stay on second shift to ensure the safety of staff. My coworkers stayed too.
By 4:15 pm I was calming down a client who decided to punch the wall repeatedly.
By 4:30 pm I had passed out ibuprofen and bandaids to two separate boys for wall punching episodes.
Then....there was the brief period of peace. We all watched a movie in the conference room and everything was a-okay.
Then...by 9:30, one of the boys on my co-case, who just had an individual with his case manager, and an individual with me two days ago, completely forgot everything we said and flipped out and punched a staff member.
By 9:45 we were in our second restraint of the day.
By 10:00 I was fighting back the tears of a very disappointed staff member who was stretched to her emotional capacity.
By 11:00 I was recovering with my staff buddy/co-case who had just spent the last hour debriefing our client and trying to understand what the heck had happened with him.
By 11:15 a second client told night staff to send me to his door, upon opening his door he showed me the pencil he had broken into tiny bits and the words "F U Bitch" that he had carved into the door. He simply nodded his head when I asked "is that for me?"
By 11:30 I was clocking out and heading to my car.
I cried on the way home. I cried because today I felt like I did nothing right. I felt like I was running up the down escalator. I cried because a client I'm very invested in told me something in his individual that ripped my heart to shreds. He told me his biggest struggle is earning something, because his entire life he's been trying to get his mom's attention and earn her love and it just doesn't work. I cried because no child deserves that feeling. I cried because I have 12 broken boys that I absolutely love and today they tried to test that.
Here's the best part of all. I'm going back tomorrow. I'm going back with a smile on my face, a song in my heart and a lot of prayer. Why? Because it's my job. It's my job to love those boys and I love that I do. They may be cray-cray to the max, but they're still just little boys.
I don't even know where to begin.
Today was by far my worst day ever at work and my brain is literally soup right now. tomato. basil. soup.
I never intended for this blog to be solely about my job, but hey, that's what takes up 40+ hours of every week and it happens to be having a profound affect on me (positively).
I went to work today with a very specific plan. I'm working the day shift, 7-3:30, the boys are back in school from Christmas break. I'll have at least 5 free hours that I can spend doing my paperwork and catching up on what I'm behind on. First rule of residential: never make a plan for your day. It's a surefire way to guarantee that absolutely none of it will work out.
By 9:30 am I should have been an hour into paperwork...instead I was just getting out of a restraint where I had been bit and spit on. Amazing.
By 11:30 am, three of my boys were refusing to go back to school.
By 1:30 pm, one of those boys was throwing chairs at staff.
By 2:00 pm, we had removed anything that could be thrown from the common area and were in a literal standoff with the three boys, waiting for them to riot.
By 2:10 pm, the gentleman visiting from corporate, along with 3/4 of the administrative team and most of the clinical staff, were standing in our common area making sure everything was okay.
By 3:00, myself and another staff had the remaining 9 boys off the program and in the swimming pool.
By 4:00, I was filling out my second police report of the day and the decision was made for me to stay on second shift to ensure the safety of staff. My coworkers stayed too.
By 4:15 pm I was calming down a client who decided to punch the wall repeatedly.
By 4:30 pm I had passed out ibuprofen and bandaids to two separate boys for wall punching episodes.
Then....there was the brief period of peace. We all watched a movie in the conference room and everything was a-okay.
Then...by 9:30, one of the boys on my co-case, who just had an individual with his case manager, and an individual with me two days ago, completely forgot everything we said and flipped out and punched a staff member.
By 9:45 we were in our second restraint of the day.
By 10:00 I was fighting back the tears of a very disappointed staff member who was stretched to her emotional capacity.
By 11:00 I was recovering with my staff buddy/co-case who had just spent the last hour debriefing our client and trying to understand what the heck had happened with him.
By 11:15 a second client told night staff to send me to his door, upon opening his door he showed me the pencil he had broken into tiny bits and the words "F U Bitch" that he had carved into the door. He simply nodded his head when I asked "is that for me?"
By 11:30 I was clocking out and heading to my car.
I cried on the way home. I cried because today I felt like I did nothing right. I felt like I was running up the down escalator. I cried because a client I'm very invested in told me something in his individual that ripped my heart to shreds. He told me his biggest struggle is earning something, because his entire life he's been trying to get his mom's attention and earn her love and it just doesn't work. I cried because no child deserves that feeling. I cried because I have 12 broken boys that I absolutely love and today they tried to test that.
Here's the best part of all. I'm going back tomorrow. I'm going back with a smile on my face, a song in my heart and a lot of prayer. Why? Because it's my job. It's my job to love those boys and I love that I do. They may be cray-cray to the max, but they're still just little boys.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Make Me Proud
These two tweets absolutely made my day today:
@sarah_graceless so far this year you're my hero cuz you're strong enough to know when you need to walk away. looooove you : ) @sarah_graceless 2012 is going to be a year of empowerment! There's nothing better than a woman who realizes she doesn't have to give up!
abbyblujay
ANieceOnASea
These two ladies are amazing and have offered me more support than I could ever imagine and I am so stoked to call them my friends. "Support in what?" you may ask. Well, support in making what is arguably the hardest decision of my adult life. The decision to get a divorce.
I generally try to refrain from making my blog an area of venting/ranting/gossiping. I don't want to disrespect my husband in any way, I just want to express how I feel at this very moment in time. For the past 2 1/2 years I have been with my husband. Just over 2 years ago, my mom died suddenly of a heart attack. These two events are completely connected and not in a good way. In a nutshell, when my mom died I stopped showering and eating, started being crazy and was ridiculously depressed. My husband (boyfriend of 3 months at the time) stuck around. I should mention during this time he was supportive, yet not the best rock in the world, he did ask me why I wasn't showering...let's call that a bad question to ask. A few months after this, he exhibited his first episode of less than stellar behavior. I don't want to go into a lot of detail but let's just say it was bad and I wanted to leave him but I was scared and I felt bad because he hadn't left me. Can I also mention that I was barely 21 years old, had just gone through the single most traumatic thing in my life and was trying to finish college? Someone else should have been making decisions for me.
Basically, from that point on my relationship just snowballed. Now, I'm 23, married to a man I don't love for all the wrong reasons. I worked so hard on my dream wedding that I gave up my dream groom and dream marriage. I've completely botched 2011. I've essentially wasted 3 years of my life and thousands of dollars. However, I came to this realization. I can continue to be married for all the wrong reasons and be a 23 year old woman who is ridiculously miserable, unsafe and unhappy or...I can be a 23 year old divorcee who has a second chance at life.
So...here's to 2012! Let's see what happens :)
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