Zero Blogger Points Earned

Wow. I think I was a big bag of fail for the past month. I did not blog a single bit. It's not that I didn't think about it, I did. I just had no free time to collect my thoughts. Brief synopsis of the past month?

1) I packed up my entire house.

2) I found a new rental house in a cute little town

3) I moved to the new house with the help of only 1 person for the majority of Memorial Day

4) I unpacked my house and deep cleaned my old house (a 5 hour process of cleaning)

5) I became the happiest I've been in a really long time

It's hard to explain really, but I'm going to try. I have a very dear friend at work and unfortunately we don't get to work a lot of shifts together and our schedules clash a lot so it's been hard to catch up. Last night I took an overtime shift and we walked out together after work and it was so nice out that we decided to sit in the parking lot and talk. It should be noted that we work on a campus of teenage boys, some of which are sex offenders, and we could not stop laughing at how creepy WE looked at that moment. We were sitting on the curb in the parking lot, in between her car and mine, in the dark...talking. We scared the crap out of one of our friends because we "Psssst'd" at him when he walked out. Yeah, we were CREEPIN'.

We were sitting, catching up and updating each other and I told her how happy I am lately. She said that she noticed and she was wondering what it specifically was. I told her that I'm really proud of myself. I'm not being cocky, I'm just proud of what I've accomplished in the past 6 years or so. I've done it all pretty much by myself. I've had little bits of help here and there but for the most part the financial burden, responsibility and plan has fallen on me. I'm 24 years old. I planned, budgeted and successfully paid for my entire wedding almost completely on my own, save for $300 towards my wedding dress from my family. I have survived graduating high school, getting two degrees, the death of a parent, a toxic relationship, a marriage, moving out of a house and in 3 weeks I can add grad school and a divorce to that list.

Am I necessarily proud of everything on that list? Hell no. I could just remove toxic relationship and divorce from there. Surviving the death of a parent is definitely the worst one on there though...that one nearly killed me. I'm stronger though. I've learned so much about myself as a person. I really understand myself, my strengths, my weaknesses. I feel gorgeous. I love myself in a healthy way. I am ridiculously tough. I am smart. I am resilient. I just feel like I'm really becoming and blossoming into who I am. I don't know if I'll ever get married again. I'm not saying that in a "woe is me" type of fashion, I'm just stating that I'm so happy right now that it's going to take a lot of push from God to get me in a different direction. I just think I've realized now that I don't NEED a man and that I got married to make my life easier (or so I thought) and now I've realized that I do just fine on my own. I'm not anti-marriage, anti-relationships or anti-love. I love love stories and fairytales. I just realized something very, very important about myself. For me personally it is extremely important to be able to do everything on your own. I need to be happy on my own, survive on my own, thrive on my own, that way when I find a guy I know he's adding the RIGHT things to my life.

In completely unrelated news, I want another tattoo. I haven't even finished my sleeve yet but I already have plans for the next one. It's going to be a simple quote, either on the inside of my arm, forearm, or the nape of my neck. I can't reveal it yet though :)

Being Okay

In all that's happened in the past few months I've come to one very solid conclusion "I'm going to be okay". 

I think that is something really important to remind myself of daily because sometimes my drama queen, panic attack, anxiety filled self likes to take over and have irrational thoughts like "You're going to be homeless!!!!" (that happened last week).

God has answered so many prayers for me lately. Last Friday I found a rental house that is in my budget, in my geographical radius, and most importantly...allows cats. I was approved as the renter and my current landlord is releasing me from my lease and I get to move June 1. In related news, a coworker already volunteered to help me move and use her truck. God is so good to me. 

My new house is adorable. It's a carriage house/cottage that is located in a quaint little town half a block away from a park. Let me be VERY clear when I state that if you can't find me it's because I'm on the swings...in the park...like a child. This is a very real coping skill for me. You know what else is a coping skill for me? Making this: 

Those are pipe cleaners...that I braided...into a bracelet...while sitting on the floor in my office...after I got kicked in the pelvis. Yep. That happened today. Tomorrow is my 7 month anniversary at my job and today was the first time that a client purposely tried to hurt me. Today was the first day I ever questioned my ability to do my job. I've always felt educationally qualified. I've always felt spiritually qualified, but today? Today if it was not for the simple fact that I know God put me in this job I might have up and quit. Have you ever seen someone kick in a door? Well...imagine that happening to your pelvic bone. I almost blacked out. Luckily God invented adrenaline and I was fine for the first few hours. I found myself sitting in a case conference 2 hours laters wanting to unbutton my pants and simultaneously puke. My supervisor and coworkers all made the call "you're going to the doctor...now" and so I went...from work to the local clinic to the pharmacy to the hospital. 1 cup of pee, 2 prescriptions, 1 shot in the butt, 1 Dr's restriction, 1 ultrasound and 3 hours later we know these three things: 1) nothing is broken 2)nothing is permanently damaged 3)everything is bruised 

I'm in bed now, half drugged on some wicked pain meds and in sweatpants because I literally cannot button any of my pants due to the swelling. 

The kid in question? He's been detained for at least three weeks. I was the last straw in a week long cluster of rule breaking. The amazing thing? I still love my job. I still love my boys (one of them held me from being shoved down the stairs). I absolutely love my coworkers. I love my boss. I love my company. 

I'm so unbelievably blessed in every aspect of life. God totally had my back today and I have to think this was all part of some plan of his.

Brief Thoughts On Living

When I started this blog my goal was to find a place for my soul to live. It may sound odd, but I find the act of writing so cathartic that I just can't ever give it up. I've had many a blog in my day. I think I first started with the staple of Jr. High...the xanga. It makes me laugh now but it was important to me. It has become the vehicle through which I soul search and begin to understand just who I really am. Today, I bring to you, a hodgepodge of thoughts. 

1) If a woman wants to be loved by the right man, then that woman should exemplify confidence, control and strength. A man whose goal is to take advantage, control or exploit will only be attracted to a weak woman with flimsy morals. He will have a natural knack at seeking out the perfect prey for his control. If you find yourself in a relationship where a man is unhappy at your happiness...congratulations, you're strong, beautiful and important and he will never take that from you once you realize your own potential. If you become, on your own, the woman that God intended you to be then you'll be paired with the most amazing man who will find all those qualities beautiful and admirable. His love for you will be unfathomable. 

2) I'm going to talk about Jesus to everyone I know. I'm going to tell people I barely know what God is doing in my life. It's really fun, because either they run away or they draw you in. Either way, it helps you figure out exactly who you should be spending your time with. I did this on Tuesday, with two people I barely know. It was really fun. I showed my heart to strangers. 

3) I got the greatest compliment I have ever received in my life this week. I had just explained my tattoos to a curious person. I talked about the immense love I had for my mom, and she for me. I talked about my motto that "life is sweet" and the purpose of my candy sleeve. I talked about my love for nature and taking the road not taken. That person looked at me, looked into my soul, looked at me like I was totally and completely beautiful and sighed "You are everything that I want to be". I laughed and blushed, but it made me feel so loved.

4) I feel like right now, at this very moment in life, I am somehow the weakest and strongest I have ever been. I feel weak from all of the junk that is holding me down. I'm tired of school. I'm tired of explaining to people what happened with my marriage. I'm exhausted but I'm so strong. Every time I start to give up or withdraw, God throws a giant curveball of awesome at me (my amazing friend Latia that I met my first day of work, Peter Cetera, Second Chance Church, my friend Beth from school, etc.). 

5) This is neither enlightening nor profound. Yesterday at work I played Just Dance 3 with my boys at work. I have never laughed so hard at work. It was so fun to just see pure joy and silliness on those boys' faces. Also, they were super mad at me for kicking their butt at Party Rock Anthem. What can I say? Everyday I'm shufflin' 

You Float Like a Feather

It's possible I've listened to the same song 7 times in a row. And by possible, I mean it happened and is continuing to happen, that number might as well be 7.5 or eleventeen. I can't stop. 

Let's talk about today though. I went into work at the crack of dawn. I ninja'd into my office. NO ONE knew I was there *mission accomplished* I was there for two hours before anyone found me and that person only found me because he's my boss and has a key and it's acceptable for him to find me. I got home from work at 2:30, it was amazing. Then something happened. Let's call it THE FEELING. This is the feeling that has been my life for the past few weeks...er...months. 

The feeling is that there is just too much, I'm just too tired, I can't do it, so instead...I'll take a nap. That's what happened from 3:30 pm until 8:30 pm. Ladies and gentlemen, that's not a nap, it's called going to bed and having a morning at nighttime. It doesn't make ANY MORE SENSE. I have been doing this for weeks. It is crazy. I will take a "nap" and then wake up, have a cup of coffee and do some homework...JUST LIKE MORNING. 

"I know you can be overwhelmed and underwhelmed, but can you ever just be...whelmed?"

When I sit back and think about my life right now, the feeling strikes me. A friend asked me today how I'm doing and I said that I sit in a constant state of being overwhelmed by life. I have approximately 10 weeks left of classes. I just found out I have to take a test this summer before starting my internship (thank-you-ridiculous-Illinois-laws-that-we-just-find-out-about-but-have-to-deal-with). I live in a house half filled with broken crap...this is not a joke (two broken couches, broken refrigerator, mattress on the floor in the master bedroom). I work full time and then some at a job that isn't exactly relaxing (but I still love it). Oh...and I'm going through a divorce, trying to somehow pay for everything that I paid for on dual incomes ALL BY MY FREAKING SELF. 

You know what though? I'm going to do it. Why? I'm too stubborn to give up. I wanted to sit and throw a pity party today. Instead, I listened to this song on loop and embraced my creep-ness and decided I am f***ing special. 

Jesus + Peter Cetera

I'd like to introduce you to my Jesus. You may be familiar with the idea of Jesus, have a vague description of who you think Jesus is, but I'd like to take this opportunity to tell you about the Jesus I'm friends with.

Jesus, as I understand him, is quite hilarious. He is kind, gentle, loving, but most of all...he's just plain funny. I picture Jesus kind of like a hippie/rocker. The Jesus I get on board with wears Chuck Taylor's, skinny jeans and plaid shirts. I think he has a tattoo. I also think that he has a giant hipster beard and long hair. I also picture Jesus as looking mostly Middle Eastern with green eyes. I have no idea why this is my idea of Jesus, I just know that when I talk to Jesus in my head I picture him like that.

Today, I talked to Jesus on my way to church. I was telling him about where I am in my life (like he doesn't know). I was telling him how I'm really lonely and in need of a family. I told him I wanted community like I had when I was in college or when I worked in Michigan. I told him I needed to be surrounded by people who I could just turn to and be like "DUUUUUDE. Jesus did the craziest thing today. I SAW GOD. I mean...I SAW HIM. This crazy amazing thing happened and I NEED to tell you" and then those people are like "YES! YES! Let me tell YOU about this crazy God thing!" and then they tell you something even more amazing. I just want this community that constantly one-ups each other for Jesus, but not in the crazy Penelope on SNL way, in the "Holy cow, my God is huge!" way.

I've been struggling to find community. I haven't found a home church. In fact...I haven't regularly attended a church since I was a sophomore in college (4 years ago). I talk to God a lot. I listen to Christian music. I write to God. I just haven't found a community in Him. I struggle with religion a lot, not Jesus, just religion. I hate most churches. I find myself loathing "Christians". I find churches I like but they just don't fit me. They might not have enough young people, or tattooed people or they might sing songs that I don't connect with. I'm not the typical brand of Christian, so I'm looking for a very specific church. I have yet to find a church near me that just loves people...until today.

As I prayed to God this morning, I asked for a sign. I asked God to speak to me in a way that I would understand and in a way that would comfort me. I've never heard the voice of God. I only know he's speaking to me because I think things and feel things that are not of myself. If I am overwhelmed with a peace or a thought then I know it's God. A few months ago I went to a Christian concert with a friend. I was in a place in my life where I needed God to reaffirm me. I needed him to tell me "Sarah, you're doing the right thing. You're who I made you to be and you're okay". At the concert, the band Hawk Nelson was there. I LOVED Hawk Nelson in high school and so I paid attention when they got on stage. They sang a song called "Crazy Love" that totally got my attention because 4 years ago when I was most in tune with God's Will and who God wanted me to be, I read the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan and it shook me to my core. When they sang that song I knew it was God talking to me. I stood in the arena and I prayed "God, show me I'm doing the right thing". Then...they started playing Don't Stop Believin' as in...Journey anthem...Don't Stop Believin'. It was at that moment that I had a thought that was like "Sarah, don't stop believin' in yourself, in God, in the power of his almighty hand. You're okay. You can do this".  Yes...my Jesus, spoke to me through classic rock.

Let me bring you back to today. I'm driving. I'm going to church. I'm meeting my dear friend Abby. Let me tell you about Abby and I. At some point in college Abby and I became tied together by an amazing bond of friendship. At some point, we also became obsessed with the Peter Cetera song "You're the Inspiration". I don't actually remember how, or when, or why, but it was pinnacle. That song represents our friendship and just an all out zest for life and belting out classic rock to an epic proportion. Today, we're in church. The sermon is awesome. The first worship song was "Marvelous Light" which I used to sing all the time in Michigan. This was the first "Hey Sarah, God here, are you paying attention? Because I sent this song to your heart today to remind you of the community you once had and you're now looking for". The song ends, the sermon ends, more worship begins and at some point this amazing drum break happens that just captures me. The guitarist starts playing some familiar chords and I side eye Abby. Um...no...not possible. As the worship leader sings the opening line I am suddenly aware that we are singing "You're the Inspiration" in church. Helllllooooooo Jesus in the house!

I'm NOT EVEN KIDDING when I say I start dying laughing. Why? Because Jesus made me laugh. He was like "hmm what song will really get her attention and be a really hilarious, awesome sign that she's right where I want her...let's go with Peter Cetera, the answer is always PETER CETERA". Of all the songs! Of all the millions of songs in the world we sing the ONE SONG that characterizes Abby and my friendship and guarantees to make me laugh no matter what. As I am belting out that Jesus is my inspiration I am wholly and completely consumed by the most peaceful feeling that I have felt in months. Jesus might as well have been standing in front of me, holding my hands and saying "SARAH GRACE!!!! THIS IS FOR YOU!".

So...needless to say, I'll be going back to that church next Sunday, because Jesus and Peter Cetera told me to.

Many the Miles

Have you ever met a person that just plain steals your heart? I mean, the kind of person that they enter a room and everything about them just makes you want to listen to everything they say, write it down, commit it to memory and live it out everyday. I met this person today. Her name is Amber and she is who I want to be in 16 years. 

Amber was the guest speaker in my Lifestyles and Career Development class tonight and she captured the room. I'm the first person to admit that when a guest speaker comes up they have exactly 2 minutes to capture me, if I don't buy into you in those 120 seconds I'm pulling out my notebook and I'm making to-do lists and doodling. I had my notebook on standby, I was haphazardly eating my El Burrito chips and salsa, then Amber started speaking and I literally forgot where I was and all I could do was tune in. 

Our guest speakers in L&C Dev class mostly just talk about their lives, their career choices, career failures, and give out unsolicited advice.  Amber said exactly what she should have and then some. Amber works for the same corporation I do, but at a different facility, in a different capacity and she's MUCH higher up. It would be really easy to be intimidated by her success, but she chalks everything...EVERYTHING up to God. She is unabashedly passionate about life in general. I can't even put into words how she owned that room. In the hour that she spoke I learned that nothing shakes her. She is incredibly strong. She has overcome living in poverty, the death of a parent, the birth of children and building a career. She is superwoman. The best part? She didn't make it look easy. She shared her struggles and most of all shared where she gets her power...God and her husband. 

Another thing I'm quick to admit is that I don't know if I believe in true love. I recognize that I am very cynical right now given my circumstances, but I've never really bought into the whole love fairytale. It's funny to so easily admit now that I fell in love with the idea of love rather than actually falling in love, but Amber...that woman is IN LOVE. I'm pretty hardhearted at times. I'm not a crier. It's really hard for me to cry, it didn't used to be, but I literally think I cried myself out when my mom died. I'm much more likely to be an angry crier than a sad/happy/emotional crier. Tonight...Amber brought tears to my eyes. Why? How? Is that even possible? Yes...because the way that woman talked about her husband is the way I want to talk about my significant other and the way I want them to talk about me. Her husband wasn't in the room. He'll probably never hear the amazing things she said about him but it doesn't matter. Amber wasn't saying any of that to impress us or to suck up to him, she said in pure, romantic love and it was so amazing to see. 

Amber is powerful. She is funny. She is smart. She is driven. She openly admits her faults. She praises her own strengths. She is a flatout, plain and simple woman of God and it is awesome. 

It is by no small coincidence that Amber was the speaker tonight. I'd had a particularly trying day at work and after hearing Amber speak I just want to go hug all my kids and tell them I love them. Amber has such a passion for our field and it's amazing. It's the same passion I have and I just like to be reminded sometimes that I'm not crazy for doing this work and that I'm not alone. She gets burnt out, she gets tired, she worries, but she never succumbs to it, she just throws it to God. She said something really cool tonight and I want to remember it forever. 

Her brother-in-law had asked her how she can do the job she does and not let it affect her, he asked if she thought it would take years off the back end of her life. She answered like this (I'm paraphrasing): 

In scripture, Jesus calls us to feed his sheep and take care of his sheep. Some people get to take care of the easy, healthy sheep in the barn but Amber's calling (and my calling) is to take care of the biting, kicking, difficult sheep in a different barn. 

Our jobs are not always easy. In fact, most days it's like running up the down escalator, however, it's worth it. When you put your life into the perspective of "if I'd been in 16 different placements by the age of 16 I'd probably want to punch and kick people too", it helps you understand the hurt these kids feel. My prayer today and everyday going forward is that I remember that and I use that as the core of my treatment work. I have the difficult sheep, but I might not always work in this barn, but as long as I do I know I'm fulfilling my calling and He'll carry me through.

The Kicking Screaming Kind

I feel like recently  my life has been the poster child for "when life throws you lemons..."  

I can't even describe how completely exhausted I am at this point. I just feel like recently absolutely nothing has gone the way I need it to or expected it to or how it should have based on the amount of work I put in. Right now I'm struggling to find one thing in my life that is going well. 

I have this amazing job. I love my job. I'm employed which is more than what some can say. However, this job is exhausting and paired with school I just don't feel like I'm giving the 100% I like to give. I'm spread too thin. 

Then there's school. I'm burnt out of school. I'm just done. I'm hanging on by tiny threads, praying and wishing to make it through to July. School in and of itself is a headache. The lab equipment isn't recording my sessions correctly. I can't get any of my tapes to play on my Mac, when I do convert them I have either no audio or no video. I'm behind on writing papers because I couldn't afford the book until last week. 

I really hate coming here to rant about my life, but I'm going to have to turn it around. I refuse to fail. I can't do it. I've put so much work and effort into my life that I just can't fail this close to the finish line. I'm going to kick and scream my way through these next 4 months until classes are done.

I am so tired of fighting for EVERYTHING. I'm trying to move out of my house into an apartment. I haven't found an apartment yet. I have no way to actually move anything. I have way too much stuff to fit into an apartment. I could so easily freak out right now. It would be so easy to just sit on my floor and cry because everything is too hard. I get mad at myself when I think that way because I know there are so many people in the world that have it worse than I do. I know that my problems are stereotypical #firstworldproblems and I need to just suck it up, but sometimes you get to be sad. You get to be upset that things aren't going your way, especially if you've done everything in your power to make them go. 

I went home this weekend. I shouldn't have. I couldn't afford to. My car is on the fritz. I went home though, and I ended up at my brother's church for the evening service. The sermon was wonderful and it hit me where I needed it. I recommitted and I'm ready to accept the sermon meaning that God loves Us, We Love God, God Loves Everyone and through this awesomeness we can make ridiculous change. 

Driving home I just kept thinking of a song I heard a lot in college thanks to the 5 song cycle of the Christian radio station. The lyrics say "I don't want to box you in, you been doing big things in the world again, sometimes I just don't understand that you're big enough." I need to stop boxing God in. I put God in boxes like: judging, scary, conditional and none of them are true. I need to stop fighting all on my own and lean on him, because I've already figured out that I'm definitely not strong enough on my own. 

Also at my brother's church, they played this song and I just absolutely love the meaning and her voice, perfection.