Me-->We

I took the plunge. I walk with God. I am in crazy love.

I was surrounded by friends and family both physically and in spirit.

I am blessed.

Crazy Love

I am 99% sure that I have used that as a title before. If I have, I don't really care because it is that important to me. I may have even shared part of this story before, but again, it's an important one.

Almost 5 years ago, I was 20 years old and finishing up my sophomore year of college and looking for a summer job. I was working at a local deli, looking to move home for the summer and wanting a "fun" job. I remembered my teenage days, teaching tee-ball to toddlers and I wanted to do something similar. Through the power of Google and a wild hair in me, I took a job in Michigan as a Day Camp Director. I committed the next 3 months to working with kids outside of Detroit.

To detail that experience you would need to read the 200 page journal I kept that summer. In a nutshell, it was the summer that changed my life.

My church is named Point of Change and as a Christian, you are taught to recognize your personal "point of change", that moment when you knew that you were a believer of God and you had been saved. The summer of 2008, as I was covered in mosquito bites and experiencing the ginger version of a "tan", I reached my Point of Change.

I won't discredit being "born and raised" in the church. Those basic Biblical foundations from Sunday School stories of Noah and Abraham teach us greater things. They form an understanding of the love of God, however, it was in that summer that the overwhelming love of God, the Father, smacked me in the face.

I was hungry for God's word. I sat in a Borders bookstore, soaking up the A/C and praying. I asked God to please provide for me financially and allow me to purchase a book that would set me on fire. I opened my eyes and immediately caught sight of a thin, red book. I picked it up, noting the simple cover design of two arrows and the title...Crazy Love.

I took my seat again and began to read the first few pages. The opening lines told the history behind the name "Christian" and its significance for the first disciples. Just two days previous I had done the same devotional with my campers. I felt the Spirit, I knew this book was meant for me at that moment.

Over the next 3 months I read that book and the Bible and I journaled...

Through God's word and that book I received my first glimpses toward revealing my calling. 2 years before that summer I had felt God calling me to the mission field and now his revelations were like a waterfall, rushing over me on a daily basis.

I rebuilt relationships, I forgave, I prayed, I worshipped. I began to understand the crazy love of God. I fell in love with God. In his glorious answer to my prayer, I was set on fire.

Forgive me if it seems as such but none of it was easy. It's been 5 years. The fire, while always present, has dulled to an ember and rose to a blaze, falling along the spectrum of faith over time. I had to learn that was okay. That is something every Christian faces. Every time I stumble or doubt, or I'm full on in my pit, God whispers in my heart "crazy love".

Above everything, God loves you. No matter what you've done or will do, his love never fails. I have been transformed. God healed me with his love and that is something everyone should know and not for my benefit but because everyone deserves to be happy and you can have that in Christ.

Sunday at church, the sermon concluded our series on The Apostle's Creed and we were reminded of the power of those words. Early Christians spoke those words as a testament. Pastor Todd spoke and I'm paraphrasing but the thought is this. Those Christians, when they spoke that creed, they were saying "I don't care if you ridicule me or judge me. Kill me if you must, but I believe in God the Father." I heard those words and thought "something is wrong if our lives make sense to non-believers", one of my favorite Crazy Love quotes.

At that moment, within the service, I knew I had to be baptized. I want to stand up and for His glory say "I believe in God the Father Almighty, maker of heaven and earth. And I believe in the crazy, overwhelming, never failing love of the one true God who gave his son for US."

Crazy Love isn't just a book. It's not an idea. It's not a cool catchphrase. Its cove art is hip and sparks curiosity. It could so easily be a chapter in your life that you remember fondly. That book you read last summer. For me? It's a movement, a calling, it's an ignition within me. It took those Biblical foundations, shone the light on them for me and set my heart on fire for God. It may not work for everyone in that way, but God uses all things for his glory and he showed me that with a simple book that started a cataclysm of God moments in my life. I don't want God moments anymore. I want every word, every breath, everything I do to point back to him. Above all things I want to be like Christ. I want to love. I want my entire being to radiate his love. I want to be crazy.

Things I Have Learned Part 2/The Final Countdown

Ladies and gents, the end is near. In 13 short hours I will be back to work after a 12 week absence. My brain, right now, is going a million miles a minute and I don't even know where to begin really.

I talk about my job a fair amount so if you're a regular reader of this blog or you know me personally then you know that my job is a constantly shifting experience. Before medical leave the most work I'd taken off was 2 weeks and I returned to 300 emails and a LOT of changes. I work with teenage boys in residential treatment, I may leave at the end of the day, but their lives keep going and things happen fast. I won't lie. I am very nervous to go back tomorrow. It's an excited nervousness, but I legitimately feel like a new employee again. When I return tomorrow, I return to 2 new admits, 2 discharges, 1 new staff hired, and 2 staff that have left (and that's just on my unit!!). I can't even speak for what's going on across the rest of the campus.

In the past 12 weeks I have experienced so much that I think I will forever be processing the effect this has had on me as a person, on my personality and most of all my relationship with God. It wasn't too long into my medical leave that I hit my wall, hit my knees, and started to really focus on why I was going through all this. I can't really sum it up, but maybe in a later post I will try to. I'll give you a slight hint...it all started almost 5 years ago and it echoes the time in my life where I first experienced Crazy Love. My church often talks about the different seasons of change in our life. My first season was the summer of  2008, season two could probably be summer 2012 and we'll go ahead and say season three began its reign January 27th...when I began medical leave.

A few weeks ago I posted 11 things I have learned. I now present to you...

7 Things I Know Now:

1) God's plans for your life began at birth and they aren't going to stop. You may walk away or challenge them but even when you're not looking, He's still working, and when you stop and listen and look you'll see what he did weeks, months, years ago to prepare you for this moment.

2) My family is invaluable. We are poor. We work hard. We love much.

3) Your hometown will always be your hometown. No matter how much you "hated" it in high school, you're still attached to it and after being back for 3 months...you might cry when you leave.

4) God has given me a crazy mission. I have accepted it.

5) For the past 12 weeks God has been performing an intense makeover on my heart. It's beautiful.

6) God provides always. Seriously. Always.

7) Life is beautiful.

To be fair...some of these I already knew, but their emphasis in the past 12 weeks is worth repeating. My season isn't over yet. I may be back to work but I'm still growing in God and growing as a woman in Christ. I ask that you continue to pray for me as I literally get back on my feet and financially get back on my feet. I'm feeling very at peace right now and that is all the Holy Spirit resting on me :-)

My Boys

I decided that I must dedicate a post to the circle of love that has surrounded me the past 10 weeks. I often refer to them as "my boys" but really they're men, and some of the finest at that. They're my blood brothers and adopted brothers and I don't know where I'd be without them.

I'm not going to pretend that my entire stay here has been a cake walk but overall my stay has been an experience. In an act of pure love, 9 weeks ago, my brother and two of his best friends came and rescued me so I wouldn't be alone on medical leave, alone on my 25th birthday or without a helper as I spent my time on crutches. They have put up with the crazy symptoms of cabin fever, dealt with me being the only girl constantly crashing guy night and still somehow want to be around me.

I've learned how to make peace. I've learned that House Rule #1 (no talking during hockey) also loosely translates to "no talking ever". I've learned how to trade cleaning services and cooking meals for movie privileges. I have also learned that I am the most blessed girl on the planet. These 3 boys have been my closest circle these past 9 weeks. On Sunday I return home, and leave my boys. Before February 13th I hadn't spent more than 5 consecutive days living with my brother since I was 18 years old. As off Sunday, when I pack up, I will be on day 69, not counting my weekly sleepovers at my stepmom's for "girl's night".

I will definitely miss my boys but I won't miss everything. I won't miss sleeping on a couch or watching endless hours of video games, but I will miss all the laughter and love. They're pretty special, and what do you know? They're all 3 single, ladies! Love these guys. Thanks Jake, Blake and Jo!

Happy Dance

Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached our final destination, the ride has come to a complete stop, the fat lady sang, and the curtain has been lowered...on one season of my life. Medical leave has an end date...Tuesday, April 23, 2013. In just under a week I return to work after an absence of 12 weeks.

For the past 3 months I have lived in a constant state of "Welcome to your life, where you have no control". I have gone to countless doctor's appointments where I have been given open ended dates. My "schedule" the past 3 months has transformed into something I don't recognize. I went from being busy 19 hours of the day, to literally having nowhere I "had" to be for weeks. I'd have a doctor's appointment every two weeks and church every Sunday but other than that my life was pretty much movies, reading and napping.

I was thinking about what to write in this post but I can't even begin to simplify it. I've had 12 weeks of basically "free" time to think, grow, heal and learn. God has taught me more and I have grown more in these last 12 weeks than I think I ever have in my life. I would love to be able to just show you the movie in my head about this experience. Honestly, I don't recommend breaking your foot in 4 places or missing 3 months of work, but I have to be thankful for what I've experienced these past weeks. It was all part of a plan so huge that I'm only beginning to fathom it.

Next week I go back to my "normal" life. I'm still not even close to 100%. I'm just learning to walk again without my boot or crutches. I'm still not allowed to "chase or restrain children" for 2 weeks. I won't be back to school quite yet either. It's still a process, but the end is near and I couldn't be more excited. I've enjoyed this opportunity but I'm ready to wear two shoes, walk on my own, and get back on track...with a few improvements :-)

When It Rains, It Pours

It's a rainy day here in my hometown. I'm actually supposed to be back at my own house but plans change. The idea of plans changing used to send me in a downward spiral. Control and schedule have always been my personal demons.

As I've grown up I've learned that change is good and it keeps you moving forward. This concept is one that I still struggle with but most of the time I'm capable of adapting. This is something I have become better at in the past 10 weeks than my entire life. The past 10 weeks have been the epitome of a huge life lesson in "your plans pale in comparison to God's". At the end of my medical leave I'd like to list all the things I've learned these past almost 3 months but I feel like I'm never going to stop processing this whole experience.

I am in love with a God who loves me so much that he will break my foot in 4 places, allow me to struggle and fight just long enough to understand the power of faith, prayer and trust in Him. I have a friend going through hard times too. It seems like the bad keeps coming and there's no way to stop it. I didn't even think a moment before replying to her text that questioned God's motives for her trials. The Holy Spirit whispered the words of James in my ear and I sent them to her.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. (James 1:2, 3 NIV)

This single concept started getting taught to me back in December. I had no idea why. I started talking to every person in my life that I consider a spiritual role model. I kept telling them "God keeps showing me James". It was beginning to get ridiculous. Songs on the radio, people I would meet, my Bible would literally FALL open to James. It was EVERYWHERE.

Random fact: as a child I always liked the name James. It's my favorite name for a boy and I have no idea why. If kids were in God's plan for me, I always thought I might name my son James.

I'm literally sitting here today, looking at the rain and having this realization. Has God been preparing my heart for the book of James for over 15 years? It's certainly possible. Whatever the reason. The book of James has been a constant theme of my medical leave.

I'm not going to pretend to be so spiritually enlightened that I understand everything The Lord shows me. I am however going to say that in the past 10 weeks I have begun to pay attention more than ever. The whispering words on my heart are there for a reason. I must say, Hollywood really gets it wrong. They have painted a picture for years that convinces people that your life will be picture perfect and true love is found in your soulmate. It's off base to say the least. I don't know if I've ever felt love for a human like I feel for God right now. I've been falling in love for the past 10 weeks and let me tell you, I've never gotten this feeling from a man.

Loving God makes you want to just love people. When you realize that you have an amazing savior who would literally do anything to show you how much he loves you, you start to want to show love that much too. My friend Rebecca blogged about God's love and compared a simple answering of prayer to a kiss from heaven. Beautiful.

I'm not going to lie and say that I've been entirely pleased with God for these past 10 weeks, but as I sit here I can see where his love is working and realize I am surrounded by heavenly kisses.

62 Days and Counting

Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached our final destination, the ride has come to a complete stop, the fat lady sang, and the curtain has been lowered...on one season of my life. Medical leave has an end date...Tuesday, April 23, 2013. In just under a week I return to work after an absence of 12 weeks.

For the past 3 months I have lived in a constant state of "Welcome to your life, where you have no control". I have gone to countless doctor's appointments where I have been given open ended dates. My "schedule" the past 3 months has transformed into something I don't recognize. I went from being busy 19 hours of the day, to literally having nowhere I "had" to be for weeks. I'd have a doctor's appointment every two weeks and church every Sunday but other than that my life was pretty much movies, reading and napping.

I was thinking about what to write in this post but I can't even begin to simplify it. I've had 12 weeks of basically "free" time to think, grow, heal and learn. God has taught me more and I have grown more in these last 12 weeks than I think I ever have in my life. I would love to be able to just show you the movie in my head about this experience. Honestly, I don't recommend breaking your foot in 4 places or missing 3 months of work, but I have to be thankful for what I've experienced these past weeks. It was all part of a plan so huge that I'm only beginning to fathom it.

Next week I go back to my "normal" life. I'm still not even close to 100%. I'm just learning to walk again without my boot or crutches. I'm still not allowed to "chase or restrain children" for 2 weeks. I won't be back to school quite yet either. It's still a process, but the end is near and I couldn't be more excited. I've enjoyed this opportunity but I'm ready to wear two shoes, walk on my own, and get back on track...with a few improvements :-)