This week has been rough. I started back to work last Friday after 10 days of vacation and that was actually not the rough part. Saturday evening I got sick. I usually don't catch the common cold, *knock on wood* I haven't had the flu in 3 years, and I rarely go to the doctor. Saturday night I got some weird sniffly thing and then by Sunday I'd pretty much lost my voice and developed a nice chesty cough. The sickness wasn't all that terrible, but mix that with work and school and it being the last few days before midterm...I was ready to crack.
Tuesday while at work I had a very frustrating day. I was still sick and trying to be therapeutic with a boy on the caseload that I co-case on. He was in a bad spot and I had an hour long conversation with him that literally had no effect on his attitude. He's one I can usually bring around, one that just needs a bolster here and there. Tuesday, however, absolutely nothing worked. He ended up running from the program and getting a decent distance before being restrained in a parking lot. I left work mentally exhausted from school, emotionally exhausted from work, and physically exhausted from my viral crap. I got to class and I just felt like the entire world was crashing down on me. I shot my friend a text and asked her if we could have a date on Wednesday night because I just felt so broken and empty and I needed to laugh. She gave me the greatest gift ever "why don't we get you to church?" she texted back. It was exactly what I knew I needed.
For the past two months I have been doing my whole "fake it til you make it", be strong attitude. I was doing pretty well at it. I was having weekly "dates" with my girlfriends, creating art again, playing guitar a lot, but I wasn't talking about how I felt. I was just ignoring how overwhelmed I feel. For the past 18 years I have been in school. For the past 6 years I've been doing that AND working full time. I AM EXHAUSTED. I work so hard all the time and then when I was in a relationship, I did all that and then on top of it was put down for trying to relax. I started to convince myself that I didn't have the right to take time for myself. I was constantly told what I should be doing and what was expected of me and I began to believe that I was supposed to feel this overwhelmed, that it was my job. Um, absolutely not. I had a coworker whom I had confided in tell me the greatest single statement about relationships that I have always needed to hear. "You need a partner, not a project". I need someone that is going to stand beside me, embrace who I am, applaud what I do and help me balance out the areas that I fall short in. I do not need someone who is going to criticize my shortcomings, accuse me of being selfish, and add more work and stress to my daily life. I have come to the realization that I actually don't need anyone at all until I can find someone that fits my description.
When you're 24 years old and you have a lot of married friends and a lot of friends having babies, being alone is a hard thing to face. You sometimes convince yourself that this person is "close enough" to what you wanted in a husband, boyfriend, etc. and you settle. No one, not a single soul, should ever settle. I'm taking the road of solidarity in singlehood. I am embracing who I am as a woman and what God has called me towards. Recently I have been really missing my mom. There have been multiple times over the past few weeks that all I've wanted to do is call her up and vent or get advice and it pains me to remember that I can't.
Wednesday morning I woke up to a Facebook message from a family friend who just so happened to be one of my 1st grade teachers. She was a great friend to my mom and a huge mentor to my brother and I. She sent me a message that she had a dream about my mom. She had dreamed that it was a school function and it was current times. She looked up and my mom was standing at her table. She stood up and hugged my mom and said "Rose! You're here!" and my mom said "Yeah, but I have to go" and Linda told my mom that she loved her and hugged her goodbye. Linda looked around and asked other people "Did you see Rose here?" and they all said they did. Linda said the last thing she remembers is thinking "She's still here".
I fully believe that God sent that dream to Linda and then told Linda to tell me about it. I think I really needed to be reminded that my mom is still here. I can still talk to my mom. She can still hear me and I can still be supported by her spirit. Not even 30 minutes later, I got a phone call from work officially offering me the promotion I interviewed for last week. God knows when you're at your lowest moments. He knows when your heart is broken and when you need a sign of his unending love. I got that message and that phone call at the exact right time.
Wednesday evening I went to church and it was wonderful. It was the fill up I needed when I was so empty. Today, I'm filling up again by listening to uplifting music and reading uplifting words. My heart is broken today because the client who struggled on Tuesday was taken to jail today and he will never be returning to treatment. It absolutely pains me that we weren't able to help him and he couldn't help himself. I hate that a 16 year old kid with so much potential has to go to jail and suffer. I pray for him and I realize that this is a trial from God for him. He has so much potential for the kingdom of God, I just pray that he can turn his life around and accept the gift that God has given him.
.JPG)
