twenty.four

Friday was my 24th birthday. I decided to spend a few days back home with my family. The plan was for me to get there in the morning, but I slept in and took a long time getting ready and then dilly-dallied around the house. 

24 years old.

I ended up leaving my house around 2:15 and after stopping to get gas and a beverage, I was on my way. I love how short the drive is now that I live farther south :) By 3:30 I was tracking down my brother to get him to the mall. His birthday is on Saturday, so I wanted to take him birthday present shopping. Two hours later we left the mall and headed to my dad's house where I helped him get totally Marley swagged out. Benefit to working with inner city kids? I can lace shoes like a mo-fo.

This is my brother Jake. Please note the new DC's, with Marley laces, Marley shirt, Marley wristband and you can't see them very well but he has Marley tapers in his ears. Amazingness. 

My bro and I hung out with my dad for a few hours, ate a feast of Chinese food and then met up with my cousin at a local bar so she could buy me a birthday drink. "Western Tap" is quite the anomaly, I must say. It's located on Western St., deduct 2 points for lack of creativity. It is an area of town that in the past 10 years has evolved into a quasi-ghetto. Which is why it makes it that much funnier that smack dab in the middle of it there is straight up cowboy themed western bar. Too funny. We chose it because it was in between my cousin and my dad's house and it was ridiculous. 

Somehow, Friday night, I ended up at 21st birthday party for a kid I had never met and still haven't met because at 10:30 they carried him in from the bars completely unconscious. I had a good time though. I ran into some people I knew in high school, got to hang with my brother and had an all around funny experience. Saturday, Jake and I didn't wake up til 1:30...

I spent the rest of the weekend pretty lowkey. Stopped at my grandma's, went to church Sunday morning and then had to stop at my fave coffee spot. 

 

I then somehow ended up at the freaking mall again. The hippie store had buy 1, get 1 jewelry sales.  I made 6 jewelry purchases, the greatest of these being: 

A mustache ring.

I told my brother that I'd been waiting forever for this moment. This moment being the one where him and I are best friends and have a blast together. I love my brother so much. He's the coolest.

 

I booked it out of town about 2:15 so I could make it to Orland for the 4:45 showing of The Vow with my friend Abby. Spoiler alert: that movie sucks. We headed to our favorite pickle fry eatery, Houlihan's, and I finally tried the mini martini flight that I've been dying to try for a year. $9 for 3 mini martinis of your choosing! 

Adam & Eve, Key Lime, Chocolate Guavatini

Overall I had a pretty amazing weekend. I'm back home now and still have four more days off! Today I've been a bum, I have school tonight. Tomorrow is session 2 of my sleeve and then class tomorrow night. Wednesday, keep me in your prayers, I have an interview for a promotion!

Happy Vacation to Me!

Yesterday was the first day of my vacation! This is the first time ever that I've had a paid vacation, I almost feel like an adult! I am off of work until next Friday (the 24th) and it's pretty awesome. I still have school and random places to be, but for the most part I am free, free, free.

For the past year and a half I have wanted to get a half sleeve and yesterday I started that process. Here is the result of a 9 hour session yesterday.

I can honestly say that nothing hurt as bad as this tattoo. I have 6 other tattoos in pretty sensitive spots (my feet, wrist, behind my ears, etc.) and this tattoo challenged me. The outline was fine, it took 2 hours just on its own but it was tolerable. The lollipop got colored first and that was fine, no issues. Then we moved to the ring pop and that kind of sucked a little more, then the Reese's and then the ice cream cone. Those two ice cream scoops?? Felt like forever. I wanted to cry, instead I used deep breathing. You probably noticed the cupcake is just an outline...yeah, we're finishing that on Tuesday. We're also bridging that gap between the cupcake and the lollipop. After all the pieces are done...we have to fill all the holes with cotton candy. If I had to guess...I have at least 15 more hours of tattooing ahead of me. I'm so freaking stoked though. I have never loved a tattoo more in my entire life. It's epic.

Luckily one of my guy friends is coming with on Tuesday to hold my hand because when we get to that peep...I might die.

Also, there was this kid there getting his first tattoo ever and we bonded. It was funny. Also, his friend helped me think of what candy to throw on the back to fill the hole. It's awesome. I love creative people because my sleeve is going to be so epic. Ahhhhhhhhh!!!! 

Don't Hold Your Breath

I have neglected this blog. It has been nearly a month since I last posted. I have no excuse. I have not felt creative, expressive or open, just broken, hurt and exhausted.


Part of me wants to sit here and wallow, throw a pity party, think to myself "how did I get in this mess?" and cry. Then...the sane part of me comes out, the strong part of me...and it goes "Suck it up, lady! We all make mistakes. It's going to be okay!!"

It seems hard to believe that at this point. I see the light at the end of the tunnel but right now it's like a pinhole of light. I just want to sprint to the end of the tunnel and tear open the paper covering the light and stand in the sun. My entire goal this year was to live, thrive and love. I wanted to stop living for the next good day and make every day the good day. I have to remind myself of that so much lately that it's sickening. I'm trying to find this balance between feeling and being strong. My dad is amazing and he reminds me all the time "Sarah Grace, it's okay not to have it all together, I know you're strong but you can feel sad too". That, for me, is the hardest thing to do.

I've spent the last 2 1/2 years being so strong that I almost don't know how to be weak anymore. Some people might look at that as an awesome thing but vulnerability is what makes us human. I struggle with showing vulnerability. When my mom passed away I barely grieved. I didn't do it because I didn't feel sad or because I wasn't upset, I did it because people needed me to be strong. I sacrificed pieces of myself for others. I don't regret that decision. I don't resent the people I sacrificed for. I just realize now that I neglected myself and now, it's my turn to be a little selfish. My dad would be quick to correct me on that and tell me I'm practicing self preservation and not selfishness.

I have had to come to terms with a lot these past few months. If I had to guess, I'd say this all started in May. It's February now. I dillydallied for too long. I should have made the tough decision sooner, but alas, here I am. I am praising God though. I talked to my dad today and told him that I'm thanking God. He was like "Sis, why are you thanking God?" and I told him that I've seen the effects of abuse on people psychologically and I'm so so grateful that I know myself well enough to realize my breaking points. I'm a counselor, I know the warning signs, I understand how the mind works. I knew that I was starting to break. I felt the hard work, the confidence, the motivation and the love I'd worked so hard to create breaking away from inside of me. I saw my grades drop. I saw my weight go up. I stopped sleeping. I started to question every single thing about myself. I praise God in every way, shape and form that I was able to snap out of that, open my eyes and make the tough decision. I know people that have accepted the lies people tell them. I know people that choose to settle for less than they're worth. I thank God that I realized, through Him and through my family that I don't have to settle for anything and that I have worth.

The worst part about abuse is the fact that the abuser doesn't view it as abuse, so it just gets worse and worse and worse. I'd love to say that since we're separated things have gotten easier. They have not. I still question myself. There are people surrounding me, spreading lies, stirring up trouble and trying to bring me down. Sometimes I feel that just as soon as I start to succeed at something, someone has to chuck something at my head. The great thing is that even though they're trying as hard as they can, it isn't going to work. I have a huge God, a loving family and the best friends in the world and I will never, ever, ever believe again that I am not worthy of people's respect. I am humble, I am loving and I am flawed but I deserve to be loved and respected and I will never let anyone convince me otherwise ever again.