Fly

The past two weeks I've been listening to a specific track over and over. It's the last song I listen to before I get out of my car going to work and the last song I listen to before I walk into my house when I get home. That song is Fly by Rihanna and Nicki Minaj. Besides the fact that the song is really good, there are so many lyrics in it that just seem to particularly fit my life.

"I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive. I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise, to fly"

I'm not going to let my life bring me down right now. As much stress and unhappiness as I've had in my life the last few years, the last two weeks have been just as bad, if not worse. I had asked Manuel not to talk to me because he kept saying the same things over and over without actually listening to what I was saying. It was beginning to get really painful because I had deliberately protected his feelings and said what I needed to respectfully and he didn't get it. Then I said the same thing again, but a little meaner, and he still didn't get it. It's become unbearable because every time he catches me he starts having the same conversation again. It's hard to explain, but it's not like he's begging me back. Part of him is begging me, part of him just realizes he royally screwed up and he's pissed because he doesn't think it's his fault. He goes back and forth between crying that he misses me and completely screaming at me and blaming me for everything.

"Me, me, me against them. Me against enemies, me against friends. Somehow they all seem to become one, a sea full of sharks and they all smell blood."

Your true friends come out when you're getting a divorce. Also, the truth of the past 3 years comes out. It's ugly. It's hurtful. It's depressing. You have to reconvince yourself everyday that you're making the right choice. I just keep saying "those you know the least about you always have the most to say". I've been called a slut, a whore, a gold digger. I've been deleted by plenty of people on Facebook. The "teams" have been picked, the lines have been drawn and the truth is quite painful to face at times.

"Cause I am not a word, I am not a line, I am not a girl that can ever be defined. I am not fly, I am levitation, I represent an entire generation"

I keep reminding myself that I know who I am. I know what I need. I know what I deserve and I know what I don't deserve. When I told all this to my dad, I said "at some point I just need to be selfish, for once" and my dad said the smartest thing ever "It's not selfishness, sis, it's self preservation".

I'm going to fly. I'm going to thrive. I'm going to win. I'm going to be okay and the more I tell myself that, the more I'll believe it.