I have neglected this blog. It has been nearly a month since I last posted. I have no excuse. I have not felt creative, expressive or open, just broken, hurt and exhausted.
Part of me wants to sit here and wallow, throw a pity party, think to myself "how did I get in this mess?" and cry. Then...the sane part of me comes out, the strong part of me...and it goes "Suck it up, lady! We all make mistakes. It's going to be okay!!"
It seems hard to believe that at this point. I see the light at the end of the tunnel but right now it's like a pinhole of light. I just want to sprint to the end of the tunnel and tear open the paper covering the light and stand in the sun. My entire goal this year was to live, thrive and love. I wanted to stop living for the next good day and make every day the good day. I have to remind myself of that so much lately that it's sickening. I'm trying to find this balance between feeling and being strong. My dad is amazing and he reminds me all the time "Sarah Grace, it's okay not to have it all together, I know you're strong but you can feel sad too". That, for me, is the hardest thing to do.
I've spent the last 2 1/2 years being so strong that I almost don't know how to be weak anymore. Some people might look at that as an awesome thing but vulnerability is what makes us human. I struggle with showing vulnerability. When my mom passed away I barely grieved. I didn't do it because I didn't feel sad or because I wasn't upset, I did it because people needed me to be strong. I sacrificed pieces of myself for others. I don't regret that decision. I don't resent the people I sacrificed for. I just realize now that I neglected myself and now, it's my turn to be a little selfish. My dad would be quick to correct me on that and tell me I'm practicing self preservation and not selfishness.
I have had to come to terms with a lot these past few months. If I had to guess, I'd say this all started in May. It's February now. I dillydallied for too long. I should have made the tough decision sooner, but alas, here I am. I am praising God though. I talked to my dad today and told him that I'm thanking God. He was like "Sis, why are you thanking God?" and I told him that I've seen the effects of abuse on people psychologically and I'm so so grateful that I know myself well enough to realize my breaking points. I'm a counselor, I know the warning signs, I understand how the mind works. I knew that I was starting to break. I felt the hard work, the confidence, the motivation and the love I'd worked so hard to create breaking away from inside of me. I saw my grades drop. I saw my weight go up. I stopped sleeping. I started to question every single thing about myself. I praise God in every way, shape and form that I was able to snap out of that, open my eyes and make the tough decision. I know people that have accepted the lies people tell them. I know people that choose to settle for less than they're worth. I thank God that I realized, through Him and through my family that I don't have to settle for anything and that I have worth.
The worst part about abuse is the fact that the abuser doesn't view it as abuse, so it just gets worse and worse and worse. I'd love to say that since we're separated things have gotten easier. They have not. I still question myself. There are people surrounding me, spreading lies, stirring up trouble and trying to bring me down. Sometimes I feel that just as soon as I start to succeed at something, someone has to chuck something at my head. The great thing is that even though they're trying as hard as they can, it isn't going to work. I have a huge God, a loving family and the best friends in the world and I will never, ever, ever believe again that I am not worthy of people's respect. I am humble, I am loving and I am flawed but I deserve to be loved and respected and I will never let anyone convince me otherwise ever again.
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