I Wouldn't Take Nothing for My Journey

Do you know who Bill Gaither is? When I was a little girl I basically lived with my grandparents. They lived just next door and my brother spent a lot of time in the hospital, and since 5 year olds don't find hospitals too thrilling, I hung out with Mamaw and Papaw. 

If you walk into my grandparents' house today there will be one of three things on the television; Cubs games, the History Channel, or a Gaither DVD. 

Bill Gaither is the pioneer of southern gospel, hymn writing, and a catalyst of camp meetings everywhere. My grandma is the epitome of southern gospel. My great grandpa and great grandma were from Kentucky and they preached in the Nazarene church their entire lives. They had 5 children and all of them grew up in the Nazarene church, two became Nazarene pastors and bred more Nazarene pastors. My family reunion last month was like a southern gospel camp meeting, and man was it awesome. I cried a lot that day, especially when my 80 year old grandma got up with her siblings to sing "Blessed Assurance". My great uncle Jay's wife got up to talk about God's redeeming love and that is something I have thought about a lot this week. 

Yesterday I had a conversation with two coworkers, one is a brand new Christian who revealed she doesn't even have a Bible yet and another has been on countless mission trips and grew up in the church. We sat and talked about redeeming love and it was so amazing. We stressed one important thing, "God is good, people are not. Do not get the two confused." We had just read an intake for a client at work and all three of us sat crying in the office as we read about the horrible abuse this child had suffered. How can you believe in a God that lets things like that happen? We said it's no wonder a lot of the kids we work with don't believe in God. The three of us just sat and talked about how amazing it is that we do, and how it's such a gift to have God's redeeming love. 

I sometimes get down on myself. I'm 24, I'm single, I live alone, I've made some bad decisions and if I focus on all of this it's not hard to be sad. I am focusing on myself right now and all that it entails, a relationship with God, a love for myself, and doing what I was called to do. I refuse to sacrifice anything for relationships again. It's easy to sit and pity yourself but you really need to sit and think sometimes. I got where I am by not listening to God for 3 years, and guess what? When I started listening, my life got infinitely better. God never abandoned me, I just stopped listening. I can literally pinpoint when God started shifting inside me again. That's when I started at the academy, when I met people that lifted me up instead of pushing me down. 

Back to my first point though...Bill Gaither...is what I've been listening to a lot lately. Good ol' homecoming gospel music with great old names like Vestal Goodman, Sue Dodge, Jake Hess and more. It reminds me of my grandparents, of my great grandma who could out pray anyone. I've made some decisions in my life. They make me giggle, but they're important, they're values I have now that I didn't realize before. 

I don't know what God has in store for me but if it's marriage and a family then that's great, if not, that's great too. I'm not going to worry about who God has, but I have different standards than I did 6 months ago. I want the most beautiful part of me to be my heart. If someone falls in love with me, I want it to be because every word that comes out of my mouth is God inspired and every act I do is God driven. I want a Southern gentleman, whose heart yearns for God first and me second. I want someone that grew up on the Gaither's and has a heart built by southern gospel, sweet tea and camp meetings. I can't wait to get to heaven and have everyday be like a camp meeting and actually get to sit back and sing with Vestal Goodman. That thought alone makes me well up a bit. What an amazing gift. 

What's making me smile today? This thought: 

How can you not smile when you know there's an entire book written about God's love for you?

Stagnation

This is one of those posts that I don't want to write but I know that I need to. Writing it means admitting it, and unfortunately I don't like looking weak. The truth of this post is that I'm feeling pretty stagnant lately. The crazy, passionate, love I have for God doesn't feel as fresh and strong as it did last week. 

I've been tempted lately and somehow managed to say no, even though I haven't been submerged in the word like I know I should be. I don't want to use excuses but I do know that I worked way too much last week. 

I've figured out that work is my crutch and I'll completely 100% overwork myself into the ground to avoid dealing with anything I don't want to. If I'm constantly exhausted and busy working then there's no real temptations to avoid. Also, my biggest support network right now are all of my coworkers. Last week I worked 3 doubles in a row. I will NEVER do that again. By Saturday night at 10pm I was mentally and physically exhausted and fighting off a cold. It didn't work, because here it is Monday and it's 95 degrees outside and I'm shivering with chapped lips and a snotty nose. Sooooo attractive. 

I don't really know what else to say or do. I think there's just so much stress in my life right now that it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Guess I need to take my own advice and "Pray like cray everyday".

Peaceful

Today is my 11th day. Today was also my second counseling session. May I first begin with this statement?

God is awesome. 

I work in the social work field, which means that our corporation pays a company to give us free counseling. I get three free sessions just because of where I work, the only catch is I have to go to whatever counselor is in the network. In Champaign, which is 25 miles from my house, there are a few counselors. I just picked a random one, well the lady on the referral line picked her, I simply agreed. You know why God is awesome? She's the perfect counselor for me. There are NO accidents in life. 

I had my first session last week and I just can't explain how completely safe I felt. She's this old Chinese lady who is all about natural healing. Um...yes! If you're not close to me or don't know a lot about me you might not understand why this is important. I am extremely adamant about not taking meds of any kind. I mean, literally the only drug I put into my body is caffeine (which I would like to slowly cut out). I don't take ibuprofen for a headache, I drink water. I don't take Midol for cramps, I do yoga and deep breathing. My counselor, Ann, is all about listening to your body and your mind and incorporating all of these things together to heal yourself. 

Today we did a brain exercise that literally blew me away. I walked out of her office literally feeling like I was floating. I had to text Abbyblujay just to tell her about the floating because I just felt so good. When I got to the office the first thing I had to do was take off my shoes. Fun fact: I love being barefoot, so I was instantly excited. Ann had me write a sentence on a notepad, any sentence, about anything. I wrote "I'm excited to have the day off and have a day for myself". Then I stood on a balance board, facing the wall, doing some twisting motions. Ann told me that this would be like a "brain massage". After I did the twists, I had to throw a beanbag in the air and catch it, while watching it 10 times to the left, center and right. Then I turned on the board so I was standing with the rockers so I rocked forwards and backwards instead of left to right. I did the twisting and the beanbag exercise again. Ann had me step off the board and walk around, first of all, I had supermodel posture which was amazing, second of all, I felt weird...in a good way. Ann handed me a folded up piece of paper and had me write another sentence. I wrote "I'm feeling good about today, very optimistic". She unfolded the paper and it had my first sentence at the top. Now, while the content of the sentences hadn't changed much, my penmanship had and the amount of pressure I had written with. My second sentence was visibly lighter than the first and the spacing indicated peacefulness. 

In my session Ann had me think of a positive memory, and I chose being at the beach yesterday. We focused on that and I did breathing exercises and eye exercises as we talked. Something that was really neat is she moved her hand in a few different ways and had me choose which one was most appealing to me. I chose the figure 8 motion and we incorporated that into my breathing and movement. As I talked I began to trace figure 8's on my leg with my finger and move my hands, almost hypnotically in a figure 8. She had me remember something mildly upsetting and had me be hyper aware of my body. I noticed myself tense up and clench my fingers. We did that a few times, retraining my brain to react differently. The word I focused on was "peaceful". 

I told her that my whole life people have told me how strong I am. Even now, the friends that do know what I'm going through, "Sarah, you are the strongest woman I know." I've always prided myself on being so strong and tough. I told Ann how it was really neat that the word I chose to focus on was "peaceful" because it shows how my priorities have changed in the past 11 days. I don't find strength in being strong,  I just want to be peaceful. When I'm strong, I don't feel, I hold it in, I suppress. I want to be peaceful. I want to know I have struggles, I have demons, I have bad memories, I have ugliness, but I'm at peace with it. I want to feel this way. 

I had it in my head that I might relapse this week. It's not going to happen. Want to know why? I love this feeling so much that I don't want to ever feel the guilt, anxiety and ugliness that comes along with relapse. I want to float. I love counting up. 11 days. 11 days of healing, beauty, and God's glory reigning inside me. I pray that if you don't know God, you search for him. There is something so divine when he takes over your heart. He changes you, forms you so perfectly that you feel strength in his strength.

There's a saying "If you want to know where heart is, look to where your mind goes when it wanders". That saying used to disgust me, because I knew where my mind went. It made me feel awful to think that's what my heart was made of. Let me just tell you, my mind has been wandering straight to the throne lately and that makes me happier than anything. I love the God words that come from my mouth. I ask that you keep praying for me, here are some specific prayers you can pray for me. 

1) Pray that God's words fill my heart and mouth

2) Pray that in my weakness I would turn to the Savior 

3) Pray that my heart breaks and fills for God 

4) Pray that His will be mine

5) Pray that I hear Him everyday 

"Her mouth speaks from that which fills her heart" 

-Luke 6:45

Washed by the Water

Today is my 6th day. It is my 6th day of recovery. It is my 6th day of a new chapter in my life. It is a really interesting feeling, I must say. On the 4th of July, due to events suffered in the days before, I made a choice. I made a re-commitment to God, to my own emotional health, to my physical health, and to saving my own life. 

Basically, in the last week I have realized through some of the weirdest, scariest, God moved series of events that I have terrible coping skills. Now, some of these coping skills are completely by choice, others are clearly influenced by things I didn't understand until now. After suffering what I can only sum up as a nervous breakdown, I've begun taking the steps towards recovery and redemption. 

The worst night for me was Wednesday night. My friend Latia came and stayed the night with me because I was freaking out. She left for work at 6:30 in the morning and by 6:55 she had Hey Telled me a message. 

"I want you to listen to Let It Out by Chris and Conrad, Water by Britt Nicole and Freefall by Royal Tailor...okay? I love you, bye!"

Thursday morning when I woke up I was wandering. I didn't know what to do or where to start or how to handle anything. My first step was going to my computer, getting on Spotify and creating a playlist called "Healing", starting with those three songs. Let me just say this, on Thursday, I think I listened to "Let It Out" no less than 25 times. I just cried and cried and listened to the lyrics. If you don't know me by now, I don't cry. I am not a crier. I might cry if I am extremely angry but I'm not an emotional crier. I just suck it up and move on. Hence...why I am where I am now. 

Probably the best advice I've gotten since this whole revelation thing happened, is from my friend Abbyblujay. She pointed out that my defense mechanism is sarcasm. She was quick to tell me and warn me that I can't just say "Oh well, I'm broken now" and not feel it. I HAVE to feel this. Can I just say, I think I've felt more in the past 6 days than I have in my entire life? 

I'm journaling again, reading again, listening to Christian music like it's oxygen and I'm just reliving my life and taking new steps. It's weird how on Sunday I had said it's half-year and that we should be 50% done with our New Year's resolutions...well...now I'm working on resolutions I didn't even know I had. 

God is real. If you don't believe in Him, that's fine, but just know that He believe in you and He might show up when you least expect it. 

I got a text on Thursday from my friend Beth, who said she just felt the need to check on me. Well...that's no accident, that's God. 

When Beth and I were talking I told her that since this whole memory came out I've decided that I've been carrying an egg. I told her that it feels like I've been carrying around a raw egg for my entire life. I've bumped into things, I've heard things, I've seen things and felt things that little by little have put tiny cracks into the egg, or chipped away little parts of the egg. I feel like now, the egg has been smashed open and yolk is everywhere. 

Beth just stared at me (understandably so, I'd just made an egg analogy). She then says this...

"Sarah, last night I had a dream. I was having a 'normal' dream and then suddenly I was sitting, holding an egg. I was using a tiny scalpel, or tool, to peel away the layers of this egg. I kept spinning it in my hand, thinking 'this has to be more than an egg...is this really just an egg??' and I kept peeling it away...then I woke up"

A few moments of stunned silence passed, as I just soaked up this God moment, and Beth says "Clearly, I'm supposed to be here today". 

Thursday kept on like that, Friday I went back to work and with every step I took, I got a little stronger. We were going to have a girl's dinner but a few weren't feeling well (I'll blame the 105 degree weather) and a few were out of town. I decided that I would drive to Champaign by myself and do some errand running. I also wanted to prove a point myself...that I could be alone, in an area that was hard for me, and get through it on God strength...and I did. 

Friday night I bought some new shirts, a book by Joyce Meyer called "Beauty for Ashes", and a lava lamp (because at 24 I'm too darn old for a night light). 

Saturday, I went to work and when I got home I took a 4 hour nap with no nightmares. It was awesome. Saturday night I hung out with coworkers, in another situation that could have been very difficult for me, but I did it and I can't explain how stinking proud of myself I was. I didn't do it alone though :-) God strength. 

Sunday I slept in a lot, I know the body can't catch up on sleep but it felt like I was. My friend Beverly came over and we hung out, talked, listened to music and looked at some of my old artwork. Man...when we looked at that artwork...it was screaming all the things I'd kept inside for years and years. It's amazing what your subconscious will do for you. We went grocery shopping and I helped her pick a recipe to cook for her boyfriend for dinner and then we just enjoyed what God has done for us. Beverly and I were not close until about a month ago. This is no accident. When I met Latia, I was going through the beginnings of a divorce and Latia was my unofficial life mentor, having understood it all and gone through it. God put Latia in my life. Beverly?? She's my mentor for this chapter. God put her in my life. She's gone through it all, our stories are so similar that I wonder if God had us planned for each other all along. As we were driving to the grocery store, we both reached up and in perfect sync, in the exact same way we put down our sun visors. We just died laughing because it was hilarious. 

I'm on day 6. For 6 days I've been listening to my heart, listening to God and healing. I've never understood why addicts get so excited over their 30 day medallion...until now. When you're struggling with something and it has taken over your life, when it becomes the dark cloud covering every aspect of you and you finally decide to take control and come out from it...you're proud. I'm not so proud to say I did it alone. I have a God and a support system that are much stronger than I am and I could not be more thankful. 

 When I was 18, I heard the voice of God. It wasn't an audible voice, but I knew it wasn't my own thought. I knew God was going to call me to a place where I would need his strength to carry me through. I knew God was going to call me to a career that challenged me daily. I got a tattoo on my right wrist of 3 stars and "Php. 4:13". I wanted it on the hand I reached with so I would be constantly reminded that God is with me and I can do it all through his strength. 

As I was driving to Champaign on Friday I was scared. I knew I was willingly putting myself in a situation that could cause me to fail miserably. I had the radio on WBGL and a song played that I've never heard.

Strong Enough

You can't tell me those lyrics were an accident for me to hear. It was another moment of "Alright God, I'm listening". 

I hate this chapter of my life, but man do I love it. I get to be born again. I get to restart my life at 24 :-)

"You have to crawl into the wounds to discover what your fears are. Once the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin."

-Tori Amos

Steady My Heart

Right now. I am a mess. I am teetering on the edge of sanity, healing, life and so much more. I can't explain it, or rather, I'm not willing to right now. There is a small circle of those in my life who I trust and who know literally everything that I know now. They are comforting me, to the best of their ability. Someday, maybe in 6 months, a year, two years, who knows how long, I'll be to a point where I can share my story and help someone else. 

I know I'm not the only person in the world with these feelings but right now I feel like it. I think this blog post has come off extremely cryptic. I'm not dying, at least, not of a medical illness or anything. I'm not okay, but I think in time I might be, I just have trouble seeing that point right now. 

Right now? I feel disgusting. I feel ugly. I feel broken, betrayed, miserable, conflicted, you name it, I've felt it and cried about it this week. I officially hate the month of July. 

What can you do for me? You can pray for me. Encourage me lots and expect little back. Check in on me, I'll feel offended for now but one day I'll look back and appreciate it.