Today is my 6th day. It is my 6th day of recovery. It is my 6th day of a new chapter in my life. It is a really interesting feeling, I must say. On the 4th of July, due to events suffered in the days before, I made a choice. I made a re-commitment to God, to my own emotional health, to my physical health, and to saving my own life.
Basically, in the last week I have realized through some of the weirdest, scariest, God moved series of events that I have terrible coping skills. Now, some of these coping skills are completely by choice, others are clearly influenced by things I didn't understand until now. After suffering what I can only sum up as a nervous breakdown, I've begun taking the steps towards recovery and redemption.
The worst night for me was Wednesday night. My friend Latia came and stayed the night with me because I was freaking out. She left for work at 6:30 in the morning and by 6:55 she had Hey Telled me a message.
"I want you to listen to Let It Out by Chris and Conrad, Water by Britt Nicole and Freefall by Royal Tailor...okay? I love you, bye!"
Thursday morning when I woke up I was wandering. I didn't know what to do or where to start or how to handle anything. My first step was going to my computer, getting on Spotify and creating a playlist called "Healing", starting with those three songs. Let me just say this, on Thursday, I think I listened to "Let It Out" no less than 25 times. I just cried and cried and listened to the lyrics. If you don't know me by now, I don't cry. I am not a crier. I might cry if I am extremely angry but I'm not an emotional crier. I just suck it up and move on. Hence...why I am where I am now.
Probably the best advice I've gotten since this whole revelation thing happened, is from my friend Abbyblujay. She pointed out that my defense mechanism is sarcasm. She was quick to tell me and warn me that I can't just say "Oh well, I'm broken now" and not feel it. I HAVE to feel this. Can I just say, I think I've felt more in the past 6 days than I have in my entire life?
I'm journaling again, reading again, listening to Christian music like it's oxygen and I'm just reliving my life and taking new steps. It's weird how on Sunday I had said it's half-year and that we should be 50% done with our New Year's resolutions...well...now I'm working on resolutions I didn't even know I had.
God is real. If you don't believe in Him, that's fine, but just know that He believe in you and He might show up when you least expect it.
I got a text on Thursday from my friend Beth, who said she just felt the need to check on me. Well...that's no accident, that's God.
When Beth and I were talking I told her that since this whole memory came out I've decided that I've been carrying an egg. I told her that it feels like I've been carrying around a raw egg for my entire life. I've bumped into things, I've heard things, I've seen things and felt things that little by little have put tiny cracks into the egg, or chipped away little parts of the egg. I feel like now, the egg has been smashed open and yolk is everywhere.
Beth just stared at me (understandably so, I'd just made an egg analogy). She then says this...
"Sarah, last night I had a dream. I was having a 'normal' dream and then suddenly I was sitting, holding an egg. I was using a tiny scalpel, or tool, to peel away the layers of this egg. I kept spinning it in my hand, thinking 'this has to be more than an egg...is this really just an egg??' and I kept peeling it away...then I woke up"
A few moments of stunned silence passed, as I just soaked up this God moment, and Beth says "Clearly, I'm supposed to be here today".
Thursday kept on like that, Friday I went back to work and with every step I took, I got a little stronger. We were going to have a girl's dinner but a few weren't feeling well (I'll blame the 105 degree weather) and a few were out of town. I decided that I would drive to Champaign by myself and do some errand running. I also wanted to prove a point myself...that I could be alone, in an area that was hard for me, and get through it on God strength...and I did.
Friday night I bought some new shirts, a book by Joyce Meyer called "Beauty for Ashes", and a lava lamp (because at 24 I'm too darn old for a night light).
Saturday, I went to work and when I got home I took a 4 hour nap with no nightmares. It was awesome. Saturday night I hung out with coworkers, in another situation that could have been very difficult for me, but I did it and I can't explain how stinking proud of myself I was. I didn't do it alone though :-) God strength.
Sunday I slept in a lot, I know the body can't catch up on sleep but it felt like I was. My friend Beverly came over and we hung out, talked, listened to music and looked at some of my old artwork. Man...when we looked at that artwork...it was screaming all the things I'd kept inside for years and years. It's amazing what your subconscious will do for you. We went grocery shopping and I helped her pick a recipe to cook for her boyfriend for dinner and then we just enjoyed what God has done for us. Beverly and I were not close until about a month ago. This is no accident. When I met Latia, I was going through the beginnings of a divorce and Latia was my unofficial life mentor, having understood it all and gone through it. God put Latia in my life. Beverly?? She's my mentor for this chapter. God put her in my life. She's gone through it all, our stories are so similar that I wonder if God had us planned for each other all along. As we were driving to the grocery store, we both reached up and in perfect sync, in the exact same way we put down our sun visors. We just died laughing because it was hilarious.
I'm on day 6. For 6 days I've been listening to my heart, listening to God and healing. I've never understood why addicts get so excited over their 30 day medallion...until now. When you're struggling with something and it has taken over your life, when it becomes the dark cloud covering every aspect of you and you finally decide to take control and come out from it...you're proud. I'm not so proud to say I did it alone. I have a God and a support system that are much stronger than I am and I could not be more thankful.
When I was 18, I heard the voice of God. It wasn't an audible voice, but I knew it wasn't my own thought. I knew God was going to call me to a place where I would need his strength to carry me through. I knew God was going to call me to a career that challenged me daily. I got a tattoo on my right wrist of 3 stars and "Php. 4:13". I wanted it on the hand I reached with so I would be constantly reminded that God is with me and I can do it all through his strength.
As I was driving to Champaign on Friday I was scared. I knew I was willingly putting myself in a situation that could cause me to fail miserably. I had the radio on WBGL and a song played that I've never heard.
You can't tell me those lyrics were an accident for me to hear. It was another moment of "Alright God, I'm listening".
I hate this chapter of my life, but man do I love it. I get to be born again. I get to restart my life at 24 :-)
I thank God for you, Sarah. Even though it's vague, your testimony is amazingly encouraging. I can't tell you how much I admire your vulnerability before those in your life and before Jesus. Keep fighting the good fight, sister! Healing will surely come because He loves you.
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