Nice to Meet You, 2013

Every year around this time, I of course get Death Cab for Cutie's song New Year stuck in my head. The simple lyrics of "So this is the new year...and I don't feel any different." In past years those lyrics have rung true and it hasn't upset me. I've almost wallowed in the fact that nothing changes and everything remains, as I understood it, mediocre and unexciting.

I'm not making a resolution. I'm simply stating that this year I do feel different, and I am different and I love love love it.

One year ago today I purposely worked a double shift at my job (6:30am-10:00pm) to avoid going home. I then made plans with friends to avoid returning to my husband. On New Years Day 2012, my husband moved out. There were problems in our relationship, there were compounding issues but I can tell you what the biggest problem was. Our relationship was not centered on God. Approximately this time last year I started hearing the voice of God again and I knew I wasn't where I was supposed to be. As a teenager I had always felt like I wasn't supposed to be married. That maybe I was supposed to just serve God for my whole life and I wouldn't need a relationship or marriage. At some point, I decided that my ideas were better than God's and I just started living things my way. Let me tell you, that will get you nowhere you want to be.

Today, it's New Year's Eve. I'm on vacation. I stayed up til 4am working on a painting of a vision I had three weeks ago. I am single. I have been living on my own for a year. I struggle every month to pay the bills and just get by, but somehow it all works out. I took a leap of faith. I spent a few months going off the deep end. January and February of 2012 saw me behaving much like a 21 year old even though I was almost 24. I started going back to church, not regularly, but enough to spark God's voice in me again. Since July I've heard it more and more and since Thanksgiving I can't ignore it at all.

I love where I'm at right now. I hear God's thoughts more than my own. Everything reminds me of scripture. Every quiet moment I feel warmth. I can't explain how much I've changed. I've always been this unique blend of introvert/extrovert. I get around people and I compete for attention and I'm loud and crazy. I won't say that's completely gone, but I'm definitely quieter these days. It's not a bad thing at all. I've just been praying and I felt like God was telling me to quiet myself. Now, when I'm home alone, there isn't a television on, at most there's some music, but overall it's just me and God.

Last night I lost control of my car. I'm not sure what happened because it was all so fast. My car had started to go off the right side of the road, I over corrected and went into the other lane and then over corrected again and ending up in the ditch facing the wrong way. It was a huge blur and I just remembering saying "oh my God" over and over. It was the first time I was really saying it as a prayer and not an expletive. It was the only prayer I could manage at that moment. I somehow managed to go over this ditch and not flip my car, not hit any telephone poles and I was somehow able to just drive back up this very steep hill (with my terrible tires) and get back on the road. In case you weren't paying attention, that's a lot of "somehows". I know how....I had angels in my car. I got back on the road and I was shaken but at the same time I was at peace. As I passed all of the telephone poles, the guardrail that began about 20 yards from where I went off the road, all of it was just God saying "I protected you. You're safe."

I don't have to worry about 2013. Really, I don't have to worry about anything, it's all wasted energy. God is my number one and He will guide me and protect me, I need only trust in Him. I used to fight anxiety, depression, and general unhappiness. I'm not going to say I'm perfect and I never have those doubts, but now my first choice is to run to God and pray. I pray all the time. Every question, every doubt, every worry, every moment I need to, I shoot up a prayer. I have seen God working so much lately. It's gorgeous. It's like a Christmas present every day.

So, nice to meet you, 2013. I'm Sarah Grace. I'm a daughter. I'm a sister. I'm a grad student graduating in 4 months. I have very little money. I'm an artist. I'm a member of a hip hop street team. I'm a social media liaison for an upcoming rapper. I'm a follower of Christ and most importantly I am 100% in love with Jesus.