Four

Every year I wonder if this is going to be "the year". Maybe this year I won't cry at all. I won't change my Facebook profile picture to one of her and I. I won't make a status in remembrance of her.  One day I wonder if I'll just be sitting somewhere writing the date and it will dawn on me. I see it almost like a movie in my head, an older woman sitting at a table sees 9/21 on a calendar and thinks "Oh, it is September 21st, gosh...it's been 25 years since mom died." I wonder if that will happen. I wonder if it will take 21 more years to reach that point. Do I want to reach that point? This entire week I've been aware of today being the 21st. I hate this day. This is the only day that I have to work really hard to be aware of my thought processes because I'm likely to burst into tears at any point. 

Every year I'm at a different point in my life and I always find myself reflecting on who I've become in the past 4 years. I'm so aware of how I am like her, of what I learned from her in her life, I try to be just as conscious to what I've learned in her death. It's important to me. A lot has happened in the past 4 years. I can sit here and look at how everything unfolded in the time that passed after her death and now I understand it more and more. The last four years have been hard. As much as I have wanted my mom around in the last four years, things have really started to go well in my life and now I really want her around. I'm figuring life out. I have a job, three degrees, a wonderful boyfriend, a great apartment. I'm proud of who I have become. 

That is the hardest part. I want my mom to be here with me. I want her to experience the good part of my life. I want her to experience the part of my life where I understand who I am, who God made me to be, what I'm supposed to be doing (at least most days). There are so many conversations that I want to have with her every day. There are so many times that I still want to talk only to her, she's the only one that I could even begin to about some things. I miss getting to tell her the ridiculous things that happen, the hilarious things, the sweet things, I miss ALL the things. My mom was amazing and every day without her sucks a little. 

I don't live my life in constant despair because I don't have a mom. In fact, 98% of the day I am perfectly happy and focused on whatever task is at hand. I live life day to day and try to do my best every day. I can tell you that on a daily basis I will have something that reminds me of my mom or makes me miss her and just for that split second I am broken. I don't cry. I don't get sad. Usually I smile and remember her but I also hurt because I miss her. I know everyone misses her. I know this because they tell me. I know this because I look like her and I talk like her and I act like her and sometimes old friends look at me with the sad eyes of a friend missing an old friend. Sometimes people look at me like I'm her ghost, they probably don't even know they do it, but I see it and I understand it and in that moment we are both broken. 

I've been up since 4am today. That is typical of this day. I wake up and fall back asleep and I do this until I just get tired of rolling around. This morning that moment came as I was waking up whilst falling out of bed. I am 25 years old. I have not fallen out of bed since I was a child...until today. I'm not even kidding. I'm not sure why but for some reason this year, this day is the hardest it has been yet. I write this posts every year to gauge where I am, who I am, how I'm doing, etc. The crazy thing is that in the past 4 years...I am the happiest I have ever been right now. I think that is what makes this day the hardest. My mom was great at happy. My mom was the greatest party planner/hostess/life of the party ever. Seriously. This is not a game. I have multiple witnesses that can attest to her karaoke skills, her ability to make anyone smile, her hilarity and how great a tan she had. My mom knew how to have fun. My mom knew how to live. I finally understand myself. I finally am beginning to understand. Right now...I am the woman my mom wanted me to become. I took a weird path but I did it. I got my masters. I moved back home. I got a job. She would be so proud of me, and that's why this year is the hardest. I've grown so much that now the majority of my friends don't know who my mom was. There are only a handful of people that know who she was. That's why this year is the hardest. With every year that passes, more and more of her gets lost from the world. That's why this year is the hardest.