Tonight I was on the phone with my long distance boyfriend for the second time in nearly ten days. This is the "time apart" of our relationship, when he spends a few months 2000 miles away and we test the limits of communication. As his cell phone dips in and out of service, our schedules clash, time zones collide and general mayhem occurs, our relationship becomes a series of tiny conversations.
His life and my life move at about 100 mph in opposite directions while the only thing holding us together is this tether on the heart line. I love this man with all my heart and that's why I fight for those tiny conversations. I was blessed this week with getting two extended phone calls giving me a chance to vent a bit. My poor boyfriend. He is seriously the best. He worked for hours yesterday and hours today just to get me to spill my guts.
Here's the deal. I'm a generally happy person. I smile 97% of the day. I can laugh off most crappy situations. I have the ability to find the fun in almost any mundane task. I have personally witnessed my overly bubbly personality annoy other people. I'm THAT girl. I'm loud. I laugh a lot. I don't take things seriously. I say all that to say that when I lose those parts of me, when life gets heavy, when I start to slide...I don't talk about it. I shut up. I don't tell people when I need help. I don't tell people when I'm struggling. I take it all on my own and no one finds out unless they know me REALLY well and basically read my mind.
My complaints are usually masked in sarcasm. I laugh at things that stress me out as I try to balance it all. When out of my mouth spills only sarcastic one liners and the only thing I ingest is coffee...those are the signs. That's when I'm losing control. I know this now and now you do too. I need someone to watch me. I need someone to be on top of my game when I'm doing my best to ignore it. The closest person I have to that is my boyfriend and that's only because he knows me better than I know myself some days. He can read into my tone and know exactly when I'm not okay and he'll flat out say "what's wrong?" even when I've technically done nothing to indicate there's a problem.
Today I am facing the fact that I need to get myself in check. I have let things slide and now I'm reaping what I've sown. My attitude sucks. I'm depressed. I'm lonely. I would rather sit and complain about these things or make sarcastic comments to those around me than actually do something to fix it. I've been wallowing in my self appraised shortcomings in life and allowing myself to become my own worst enemy. I have been looking at my life as a badly dealt hand at cards and whether consciously or not, it has been causing my life to become exactly that. I haven't completely destroyed my life or anything, but I have definitely caused myself unnecessary heart damage in the past few weeks.
I have to stop. I have to stop thinking I don't deserve to have a break. I have to stop thinking that I don't have time to do the things I need to keep my mind and heart healthy. I have to stop filling my head with so much negativity that all I do is produce negative energy and suck people into my stupid funk. It's time to get out of the funk and get back on track.
After what I can only assume was a very frustrating conversation for my boyfriend to have with me he told me to "gather my thoughts" and we'd talk more later. This was my opportunity to explain to him why for the past week I have been Negative Nancy and I sound completely unenthused. I'll admit that first I was irritated at him for telling me to do that. I have my thoughts gathered. I'm mad. I'm tired. I'm so tired that I'm mad about being tired and vice versa. I miss my boyfriend. I have very little social life. I'm depressed. I had all these thoughts gathered. Along with the thought that I wanted to keep holding onto that. That's what I said. I told him that I knew how to fix it and that I just didn't want to. It's so stupid how that happens. It's like some little demon inside me likes being mad and wants me to stay that way even when I don't want to at all. It's this battle within me and I fight it more often than I'd like to admit. I suppose the first step to overcoming something is identifying it. I have different thoughts gathered now. The original thoughts are still there, but now I have a plan for overcoming them, and I'm actually going to do it.
After what I can only assume was a very frustrating conversation for my boyfriend to have with me he told me to "gather my thoughts" and we'd talk more later. This was my opportunity to explain to him why for the past week I have been Negative Nancy and I sound completely unenthused. I'll admit that first I was irritated at him for telling me to do that. I have my thoughts gathered. I'm mad. I'm tired. I'm so tired that I'm mad about being tired and vice versa. I miss my boyfriend. I have very little social life. I'm depressed. I had all these thoughts gathered. Along with the thought that I wanted to keep holding onto that. That's what I said. I told him that I knew how to fix it and that I just didn't want to. It's so stupid how that happens. It's like some little demon inside me likes being mad and wants me to stay that way even when I don't want to at all. It's this battle within me and I fight it more often than I'd like to admit. I suppose the first step to overcoming something is identifying it. I have different thoughts gathered now. The original thoughts are still there, but now I have a plan for overcoming them, and I'm actually going to do it.
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