Participate

Today was essentially the perfect Sunday. I woke up earlier than I usually do, was able to enjoy a cup of coffee before church and get to the service about 15 minutes earlier. The only downside to this morning was when I walked out to my car to discover I had left my sunroof open overnight...in a thunderstorm. That was just spectacular...let me tell ya. I don't even care that my car is kind of (really) soggy and probably smells weird, the greatest tragedy was stereo. It is fried. DEAD. It ceases to produce any type of music...and no longer displays the time either. 

Thank God I was blessed with a sense of humor because I was able to laugh at this and look at the positives (my car still runs) and put the negatives in perspective (I'll just have to sing all the time if I don't have a radio). After church I had lunch with the family as usual and feasted on my frisco melt from Steak n Shake, literally hit the spot for me today. Capping off my afternoon with watching New Girl on Netflix, wearing leggings and a hoodie, I had pretty much felt like I accomplished the perfect Sunday already. I decided randomly throughout the afternoon that to get my chocolate fix and save money (also avoid going into the public), I could just make some fudge here at home. Well...I made said fudge, it was delicious, and throughout my roommate and my Grey's Anatomy marathon we have somehow managed to eat nearly the entire pan. I'm not even sorry, I'll just run the stairs a few times tomorrow. 

While watching Grey's Anatomy I slipped into something between a food coma and a diabetic coma and I woke up wide awake...at 12:30am. Did I mention that tomorrow is Monday? Did I also mention that I have a meeting at 8:45 and court at 9:30 for work? All of these things are true, yet here I am...wide awake at 2:42am. I don't know if it's the caffeine or the nap but either way I'm awake for awhile. The plus side to my bizarre sleep schedule is that it's way more conducive to talking to my boyfriend on the west coast. With our two hour time difference I'm often a few hours from waking up for work and he's a few hours from going to bed. I live the 9-5 office job and he's the rockstar ;-) 

It was so nice to talk to him today. I figured that I wouldn't really get the chance. Sunday's are always busy days for me between church, lunch with family, and whatever errand/chore I usually have to get done before the week starts. On top of it being a typically busy day for me (even though today I was uncharacteristically lazy), he was having a MUCH busier day by anyone's standards. From 3:30-5:30 Pacific Time, he and his band would playing for thousands of people at America's Cup Park in San Francisco. Let me tell ya...as busy as my day was, at least I didn't have to talk to thousands of people and perform on a stage. I don't know how he does it. I am so proud of my boyfriend everyday, you don't even know. I don't care if you think it's annoying or if you find our love disgusting, he's amazing and I have every reason in the world to be proud of him. 

He is a rock star in every sense of the term. The man was clearly born to be on a stage, his presence just gravitates people to him, yet he is the most humble. I fell in love with this quiet, soulful, deep thinking man who was so respectful and kind. He had this dorky giggle when his cousin would make him laugh really hard and he annoyingly sagged his pants. He was this amazing blend of everything I wanted in a best friend, partner, and boyfriend. He makes me laugh harder than anyone can. He pushes me to love God more, to show love more and to be the very best woman I can be. Talking to him on the phone tonight was such a blessing. As if long distance relationships aren't hard enough, I got my phone shut off this week, we're texting via an app on wifi and he gets terrible cell reception in San Francisco. I smile every time I hear his voice. We can talk for 5 minutes or 5 hours and I still feel the exact same way when we hang up. I am blessed. I used to say that "I'm the luckiest girl in the world." I stopped saying it because it wasn't true. I'm not lucky. I was blessed. I am blessed. We are blessed. I believe with all my heart that God placed the two of us together for a very specific purpose. Every day we learn more and more of what that purpose could be and how we can work harder for God. I can tell you one thing. The core of our purpose is love, in every sense of the term. Today was Sunday. It was the Sabbath, a day of rest. Today I did exactly what I needed to on this Sunday. I basked in the love of God and it was so perfect.

Leaving church this morning I heard the words of the sermon echoing, "Participate in new life". The sermon called for us to go live in community with those who need to see Jesus. Help those around us take those steps. Those who are alive, help him live. I pondered these thoughts in the afternoon, I sketched some ideas after my nap, and now again I sit here thinking about the words. Tomorrow...I will be exhausted. I will have to go do my job on little sleep and lots of caffeine because I made choices today. I slept at odd hours, I ate too much fudge, I drank too much soda...I was a bum. It doesn't really matter though. I needed it and it gave me the opportunity to see something. Sometimes having a Netflix marathon with your roommate or staying up super late to talk to your long distance boyfriend are all the things you really need to understand God's love. The great thing about God, is just like Pastor Todd says, he wants to fill you. He wants to use you. It's sooooo easy. Whenever I get really overwhelmed by God's love (like today in church or when I realize how blessed I am with my Craigslist roommate and rockstar boyfriend) I just get really excited at how I know God is going to use me. He's filling me so I can pour out. Tomorrow is Monday. It is supposed to suck. That's what Monday's DO. I know that my Monday is going to rock the pants off of the entire day...because God filled me today and that means tomorrow he is going to do some amazing work. 

I'm going to bed now. It's 3:00am...my alarm will be going off in 4 hours. When I was a camp counselor I worked in the hot sun for 12 hour days and ran on 3 hours of sleep, I can do this. Tomorrow is Monday...I operate on God strength. I'm going to participate in new life.

TGBTG

Shiny Things

Yesterday was September 1st, which may not be of any real significance to anyone, and it wasn't to me either...until yesterday. It was Sunday and as usual I was planning on going to church at PoC at 10am. The only difference yesterday was that first I had to drop off my boyfriend at the bus station and send him back to the west coast. I was running late already and then after leaving Uptown Normal at 10 am I just made peace with the fact that I was going to be late to church. I slid into the row next to my brother just as Pastor Todd introduced the next two worship songs. My prayer at that moment was for God to allow me to see His face during the service. 

I love worship music. As a child, long before I could really understand the sermon, the worship music was always my favorite part of church. Worship music is the channel through which God allows me to focus on Him. I am a very hyperactive person who is easily distracted. Worship music allows me to work out my holy energy and settle down before the sermon. As the sermon began I got to taking notes, which is my second method of focusing on the sermon. Pastor Todd and I speak the same organizational love language and his sermons are always perfectly built for taking notes. This makes my nerdy self extremely happy and it's one of those silly little things that I thank God for. God really does delight in the tiniest desires of our heart. 

Pastor Todd's sermon this week was on John 9:1-41, the miracle of Jesus healing the blind man with mud. The question he challenged us with was "What if I'm wrong?". In other words, how do we know we're making the right decision? We're doing what we're supposed to. The answer? We don't...unless we are embedding Jesus in every decision we make. We have to turn to Jesus before anything else because nothing else should even come close to demanding our allegiance. We need to focus on Jesus so that he is the filter through which every decision is made. 

Let me tell you a little something about God. He has a plan. Its a gigantic plan that is so amazing and perfectly built for you that if you tried to understand you'd fail to even grasp how great His love for you really is. I started to really understand that right before I made the choice to get baptized. As I felt God opening my eyes to understanding His love, I felt Him leading me to be baptized and proclaim my love for him. Before the sermon Pastor Todd had the ushers pass out plastic diamonds to all of us. These were our "shiny things", they served as the tool to help us understand what shiny thing might be distracting us from God. 

I can tell you right now that there are many things that will distract you from God. My shiny thing came in the form of my medical leave. I was so distracted by my own "misfortune" that I began to question God's plan, God's will and just what the heck was he doing. A churchgoer asked me during my leave what I was doing with my time and challenged me to talk to God and see why He gave me this time. I took his advice and started spending A LOT of time with God. I talked to Him all day long. I had nothing else to do. I read the Bible, I prayed all the time, I listened to worship music like it was going out of style. You know what happened? God showed me His plan...and I didn't like it. I understood that I wasn't graduating in May. This pained me. I had been dying to graduate in May and move back home. I wanted so badly to live in my hometown, to get more involved with my church, to be near my family. I was mad. God's plan was for me to stick it out another three months, graduate in August...then try to find a job. I was beyond ticked at Him, so I gave Him the silent treatment for a few days before realizing that was a worse plan than just going along with His plan and trusting Him. 

You want to know how much God loves me? I made it through medical leave...in His time. When His time had reached He got me home. He fulfilled the desires of my heart. He got me a job in three days. He found me a place to live in three more days. He got me home, safe, sound, loved and happy...in His time, through His method and His love. Let me tell you. I was panicking. I was starting a new job with no place to live...I found one a week before I started my job...I moved in 2 days before I started my job. God provides. 

Yesterday at church Todd ended the sermon on a thud with the question of "what if I'm wrong?". He apologized if that irritated some people because they didn't have closure. The question of "what if I'm wrong?" can be really scary if you don't know for sure. For me, it wasn't scary. I don't say that to brag or make myself look good, but to give God the greatest glory. God has provided for me. I don't question if He's there, if He loves me, if I'm worthy. I didn't get it in my timing. I was irritated. I had to literally wait on the Lord, but it didn't matter. In the end I had everything that I needed and more. I'm not wrong. I don't have to worry about the answer to that question. I'm not here in my hometown because I WANTED to me. I'm here because God WANTED me to be and He cares about what He wants. When you love what God loves...your life isn't scary. I'm not perfect. I don't have everything together. What I do have...is a God that is so big I can't even imagine every aspect of Him. 

Today I got to sing worship songs and hang out with my PoC family as we walked in the Labor Day Parade throwing candy and worship Jesus in the streets. It was such a surreal moment for me. Here I am...in my hometown...worshiping the biggest God who loves me so much, surrounded by people who share in that. 

It was so cool just to bask in what God has blessed me with. I don't need to be distracted by worries or people or situations because I have the shiniest God who is greater than anything I can imagine. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dkiVO9Q1SVg&feature=share

TGBTG :-)

My Heart is Full

When thinking about this blog post I felt the need to almost apologize to those who may read it, but then I thought...no, it's good to feel this way. 

I am in love. It's the kind of love I never expected, always dreamed of and to be honest, had kind of given up on. I don't mean to say that I stopped believing in love, I just stopped believing that it might be what God wanted in my life. As long as I can remember I have always wanted to be a wife and mother but through a series of events I began to think that maybe it wasn't God's plan. The thing I forgot during all of that time was that God puts desires in your heart for a reason, he made you this way, and as I sit here I realize that he is slowly but surely putting the pieces into place for my desires to be fulfilled in his time and his glory. 

Almost 9 months ago I met the one I call my duck. I could explain why I call him duck, but to anyone else the term will be lost. All you really need to understand is that he is in every sense of the term, my better half. 

When he walked into my life I had no idea the path that God was about to lead us on. 9 months later, I'm beginning to understand but I still can't fathom it. When we're together, there is this ridiculous energy that just drives us. I never bought into the whole "soulmate" concept but then you put us together and it makes it hard to question. It literally feels like he is a part of me and I am a part of him. We talk in half sentences, communicate with tiny flickers in our eyes, we read each other's thoughts and we love each other more than imaginable. 

We talk a lot about our relationship. The other day we agreed that our relationship is so wonderful and we love each other so much because we each want the best for each other. Love becomes something so intense when it is for the right reasons. We fell in love with each other's souls. We definitely argue but it is always because we are pushing the other to be a better version of ourselves. We are more than boyfriend and girlfriend. We are partners. We push each other every day to love more, to help more, to care more. We both love people and have a deep desire to change the world and stir people up. We live with such passion that when you combine the two of us together there is this energy that just awakens people. 

We laugh a lot because people STARE at us. We're unique. We get it. 

The other day we walked into the store and I'm not sure what we were wearing but it was probably something bizarre, as most days, between the two of us, we're wearing the rainbow. This guy walking towards us looked me up and down, looked my duck up and down, looked back at me, and then gave a head nod to both of us. We both just turned to each other, made a face and started cracking up. We both knew what the other was thinking at that moment and it just struck us as hilarious. This chain of events happens at least once a day. 

Right now, at this very moment, I have the bedroom door shut because my duck has turned the living room into a recording studio and he's laying down the 3 songs he wrote today. As I sit here listening to him I fall more and more in love. He is seriously one of the most magnificent creations I have ever witnessed. God was not playing when he made this kid. It's funny because I've known for a long time that God created me (just as he did everyone) to do huge, giant things in his name. As God places these desires in my heart I get excited and I tell my duck. You know what happens? Duck shares his and they fall perfectly in place with mine. Do you have any idea the joy that fills your heart when you realize God is operating through you, and his will and your will are aligning to create a masterpiece? 

It's AMAZING. 

I'm so blessed right now. I love my new job, my new apartment and my (not so new) boyfriend. I am overwhelmed on a daily basis by how much God loves me. He has given me every desire of my heart and I don't even feel worthy most days. 

My prayer, today and for the rest of my life is that my daily actions glorify Him in every way. I thank Him for the gift of my duck and I absolutely cannot wait to see where he is taking our relationship and what glory he will display in it. 

Hello Whirlwind

At this very moment it is late Friday night, I have just returned from grocery shopping and dinner at Steak n Shake with my main squeeze. It was the very thing I needed to cap off this week, a nice evening spent with Duck just running errands and being silly.

This past week I was commuting daily to Springfield for training and it thoroughly exhausted me. I'm so glad that I'm down to a 5 minute commute. My new apartment is a whole 1.7 miles from my office, I'm definitely spoiled now. I've been living here for 3 weeks now and I still haven't finished unpacking. My roommate just "officially" moved in on Wednesday and she starts classes on Monday. Today we shared a celebratory text over the fact that she got hired at Chipotle (YES!).

Honestly, the entire moving process was completely exhausting. I left the academy the 25th, had my going away party the 26th, moved the 27th and started at the agency on the 29th. It was madness. The first two weeks of my new job I just sat alone in my office, doing online trainings, as the rest of my team was out in the field and in other cities in trainings. I thought I was going to LOSE MY MIND. I was so used to being around people constantly at my previous job that when it was still and quiet I just didn't know what to do. It became increasingly apparent during those two weeks that my adult ADHD might need some attention...

This past week I was in Springfield with child welfare workers from agencies all over the state completing our training to be licensed child welfare workers. It was an interesting week to say the least. It reminded me of being in grad school again, with a class of 18 adults trying to grasp necessary knowledge for our job. There were definitely some frustrating moments along with some moments of sheer hilarity. I'm glad it's over though, the commute was killing me.

Tonight I got the final load of stuff from the storage  shed at my old house and I can officially say I am moved out and I never have to return there again. It's a really nice feeling honestly. I'm back in my home town, I'm working a great job with flexible hours and a miniscule commute, and for the past three weeks I've been lucky enough to have Duck here helping me set the place up and just being the best boyfriend in the world. The pieces are really coming together in my life and it's so nice to see the light at the end of this tunnel.

Exterior of the loft

My bedroom

Coming Up Roses

I can remember just a few months ago when Beverly and I were in the midst of broken down cars, overdrawn bank accounts, medical leave and general work stress and our constant prayer was just for things to get easier.

Often times as Christians we walk for so long that we take our struggle for granted. Beverly and I would pray for each other that our worries would subside and we could just breathe easy. During that time we would listen to WBGL together and encourage each other to keep our faith.

This week, specifically today, it seems like our faith and patience has been rewarded. Just this week alone I am ending one job, starting another, moving into a loft, reuniting with my duck after 5 months and packing and cleaning endlessly.

Beverly is celebrating her own transitions, with a new apartment, new job and blossoming relationship. It seems like we are indeed growing up.

Today I left the job I have been at for nearly two years. Through this job I have met my two best friends and ultimately my dearest duck. It has been a hard two years but I have grown, learned and transformed so much that I have to look back on it fondly. I am starting a new chapter right now. I am moving, starting a new job and opening up so many pages in my life. I can't wait to see where this road takes me.

Mustard Seeds

Considering the last two weeks have been a total and complete blur of God just blessing me left and right in every aspect of my entire life, I'll try to sum it up as best as I can...with a list. 

1) I felt God calling me to move back to my hometown, get more involved with my church youth group, specifically the teenage girls. 

2) I finish my internship for my master's program in 9 days. 

3) I started applying to post-grad jobs in Bloomington, praying along the way that God's will be done and would be completely and totally obvious to me.

4) In a matter of 7 days I applied, was interviewed and hired onto a wonderful company in Bloomington that is literally perfect for me. God showed me along the way that it was his will, by sharing that my new supervisors I'll be working with are also strong Christian women. 

5) Last week at church my youth pastor asked me to step up and be a leader on the youth trip to King's Island this week. In a matter of three days I had wonderful coworkers switching shifts to accomodate the days off needed to go on the trip. 

6) I found the perfect apartment. I viewed it. I needed a deposit. I prayed. I saw mustard seeds everywhere and my family and friends came together to get me the deposit. 

7) I made my application and my deposit to the leasing office literal moments before someone else went  to apply. 

8) The apartment is mine pending the approval of my application. Yesterday when I went to look at it with one of my bff's the key I got from the leasing office didn't open the door. In perfect timing the neighbor to my future apartment let me in the front door and then I was able to see the apartment. 

9) It is completely gorgeous. 

It's so amazing how God just shows me each and every day how big and loving He is. Two weeks ago I didn't know where I was going. Now I'm weeks away from moving back home, into a beautiful apartment, blocks away from my best friend, my new job, my church and grandma. I couldn't be happier. 

Oh...this would be my view every day when I walked out my front door :-) 

Run, Don't Walk

Hello friends. I apologize that it has been over a month since I last wrote. My life has continued to be increasingly insane and it really hasn't slowed down. In two weeks I will be finishing my internship and officially done with graduate school!! In other news....I'm moving!

A few weeks ago I started applying to post-grad jobs. I really felt the Lord calling me back to my hometown. He was laying it on my heart to get more and more involved with my church and making it clear that in order to do so, I'd have to be in Bloomington. This was equal parts welcoming and hard for me. My family and a few friends are still in Bloomington, while my love is 2000 miles away in California. I put in a few different applications, not expecting to hear anything back this soon. Well...in a 5 day turnaround (!!!) I applied, interviewed and was hired for a salary position in Bloomington.

I guess it turns out that when God wants you somewhere he will move in giant ways to get you there. On top of that...I start in 3 weeks and somehow have to find a place to live in that amount of time. I have replied to 34,523 Craigslist ads (or so it feels) for rooms for rent, people seeking roommates, etc. I'm blessed enough to have gotten a response and it seems like God is once again working in huge ways to physically get me down here.

Life has been insane lately. I put in my notice and I end this job on July 25th and start my new job on July 26th. Yeah...this is happening FAST. I have NO money saved up for a move because I haven't bounced back from medical leave yet and I wasn't expecting to move this soon.

Now would be the time for huge prayers for me as I continue to put my ducks in a row and start this new chapter of my life.