Cabin Fever

I have written this post twice and then deleted it. I won't lie. I am at my breaking point right now. I know I can get through it because, frankly I've gotten through much worse. However, right now I feel like I can't do anything.

In the past 6 weeks my best friend's car broke down to the point of no repair, I had to get all new brakes on my car, I broke my foot, had surgery, got a flat tire on the way home from the hospital, couldn't get the tire off, had to have it towed and the tire and rim replaced and then this week my alternator goes out.

Financially...I'm screwed. I'm on medical leave not making nearly what I need to, still 2-4 weeks out of going back to work and my entire tax return is going to fixing car and paying bills.

I posted on Facebook this week that I feel like Job in the Bible. I'm exhausted. I can't even lie. My faith is being tested everyday and I'm too smart to fall into my own pity party. For a few minutes at a time I'll start to cry and then get mad at myself.

Who am I to complain about my situation when so many people have it worse? I know scripture well enough for all the reassuring verses to pop into my head and make me feel stupid for feeling this way. I've always been a big prayer advocate but lately every other thought I have is a prayer because I am losing strength.

As introverted as I can be I still need people and for the past 4 weeks I have missed people! I miss going into my local gas station and chatting up the girls working. I miss going to work and seeing my coworkers. I miss being able to drive.

I hate that I've become such a baby over all this. I hate it so much. I hate asking for help and I hate not having freedom. I've fallen almost completely into my own pity party and I'm once again mad at myself for letting it happen.

My friend Latia sent me a great excerpt from a devotional yesterday and it was really what I needed to hear. I ended up downloading the free version of the devotional app and today's message was once again what I needed.

I know God is here and I know He is working through this and something beautiful will come out of it. I have to keep reminding myself that it's only temporary and that I can do it with His strength. That is the ONLY way I can do this. Trust me, on my own I am not capable of handling all this. My Dad always said that "the closer you get to God, the harder the Devil comes at you".

I definitely feel like Job and it kind of makes me want to just scream at the Devil that he's wasting his time because I will never lose faith in The Lord. Even on days when I'm PMSing and my brother goes out with friends and I'm home alone with no cable, Internet or food and all I want to do is cry, I will not give up.

P.s. if it wasn't for having an iPhone with 4G, I would have gone crazy already