Mind Over Matter

It's been two days since I had surgery. I won't lie, time has been warped by all my pain meds and napping. As tough as I am. This thing hurts!

I have 7 tattoos, including a half sleeve, and 10 piercings. At first glance I may appear as though pain is nothing to me. That statement is mostly true but this pain is different. I've found my only key to surviving it is the concept of "mind over matter."

I have spent a fair amount of time watching comedies on Netflix, listening up happy music and pinning pretty things on Pinterest. It has done the trick though.

I focus on happiness and what beautiful things are to come and it dulls the pain. I refuse to dwell on the negative feelings and I just submerge myself in positivity.

Positive things? The amazing gourmet feasts that have been prepared for me. Painting my nails :-)
I'm feeling back to myself, yet also a slight improvement. There is nothing that can separate me.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38, 39 NIV)

What Happiness Really Means

This whole broken foot thing has turned out to be the BEST thing to happen to me in a while. You might ask "Really, Sarah? Breaking your foot in 4 places, having to be on crutches, not being able to drive, having to fully rely on your friends? That's all good for you?" and I would reply "YEP!" and here's why: 

I am a fiercely independent woman (all Destiny's Child references aside). I HATE asking for help. I pride myself on being able to accomplish all I have to on my own. You know what, though? That's WRONG. I don't do anything on my own. I do it all with the redeeming, everlasting, unconditional love and strength from my amazing Heavenly Father. 

I've been "broken" for almost two weeks now. As a result I've been crashing at my BFF Beverly's house. It's funny really that her car died and a week later I was rendered unable to drive. She has no car, I can't drive the one I have, so therefore we complete each other. Beverly lives with her boyfriend (the previously mentioned rapper J Jackel) and his cousin JJ Jallah Keyz. For the past almost two weeks I have been living in the most creative house ever. As I write this, JJ is in the living room creating music. It is seriously some of the most beautiful music ever. He is wickedly talented. If you don't believe me just YouTube some JJ Jallah Keyz and watch that man play the piano. You can tell that his gift comes straight from above. 

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a ball of energy. I can barely sit still through an entire movie. I'm constantly moving. Putting a woman like me on crutches and telling me to rest and let people help me...seriously the biggest challenge I've faced in a while. It's given me this amazing gift of time. I've been reading the Bible like it's my lifeline (which it totally is). God has been revealing the most beautiful things to me. I just want to share three things with you all today: 

1) You do not need to fear anything. You have angels around you EVERYDAY  and all you have to do is call on them and they will show you beautiful things. 

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:1, 2 NIV)

2) Your love for God should be so crazy and insane that everyone around you wonders what the heck is wrong with you? What is creating that fire inside that person? Why do they keep talking about God? Why do they keep loving people even when the world is so negative? You know how you can tell a person is in love by how they look at someone. Well, people should look at you and know everyday that you are completely, totally in love with The One.

3) This is an invitation to let archangels protect you in your life. This is a gift from God and we are blessed enough to have the God of angel armies reigning in our lives. 

https://soundcloud.com/j-j-jallah-keyz/archangelic-protection-for-the

God is Good

I think that some people are afraid of God. God is definitely one to be feared but not for any of the reasons that most people think. I believe that some people go through life afraid of God's judgment but in a paranoid way, not a righteous way. He sits on a throne, with a powerful gaze, awaiting missteps so he can condemn or punish. That's not who He is though.

I think a lot about God. I think about what makes Him laugh, what makes Him sad, what makes Him proud. My friend J.J. said it simple and sweet, "He's like a good dad". When I think of God like that then it's not hard to love Him with my whole heart. My own father and I have had our rough patches but overall, he's my father, and I love him. My earthly father can laugh at me, be proud of me, hug me when I'm down and show me that I am in his thoughts and dreams. My heavenly father can do all of those things too, and I love that I understand that now.

Last week I was walking down the stairs, in the dark, at 5am and I was very very tired. I wasn't paying attention and I just missed the last two stairs. Instead of driving to work at 6am I ended up driving myself to the emergency room. A few hours later I was informed that I was broken, getting crutches, and following up with an orthopedic surgeon to assess the damage. When I drove myself to the ER I had the radio on and the first song I heard was Hallelujah by Heather Williams. I started cracking up at the lyrics. In the midst of my pain and frustration, God met me where I was to let me know that He's still here and He has a sense of humor as good as mine. Of course it is! He gave me my sense of humor.

Here's what He said to me Thursday morning through the lyrics on the radio:

Jesus, please come, please come today
Heal me, hear me, be near me I pray
I have fallen so far, flat on my face
I’m in need of Your grace today
I stumble and fall, but in spite of it all
Your love always stays the same
Hallelujah

I was giggling like crazy at that. I literally said aloud, in my car, "that's great, God, you're hysterical". It is funny though, how God works. As a result of my broken foot, I can't drive, I also can't work until I have surgery and recovery a bit from it. God is working through broken bones. Seriously, He is HUGE and will use anything for His glory. I have all this free time and it's nice to spend it in The Word, reading and relaxing. I think it was God's way of telling me to slow down.

My broken foot already got my best friend to church for the first time in 9 years. I can't wait to see what other beautiful work God does through it. Even though this injury is far from beautiful...

Spiral fracture-Broken in 4 places

Nice to Meet You, 2013

Every year around this time, I of course get Death Cab for Cutie's song New Year stuck in my head. The simple lyrics of "So this is the new year...and I don't feel any different." In past years those lyrics have rung true and it hasn't upset me. I've almost wallowed in the fact that nothing changes and everything remains, as I understood it, mediocre and unexciting.

I'm not making a resolution. I'm simply stating that this year I do feel different, and I am different and I love love love it.

One year ago today I purposely worked a double shift at my job (6:30am-10:00pm) to avoid going home. I then made plans with friends to avoid returning to my husband. On New Years Day 2012, my husband moved out. There were problems in our relationship, there were compounding issues but I can tell you what the biggest problem was. Our relationship was not centered on God. Approximately this time last year I started hearing the voice of God again and I knew I wasn't where I was supposed to be. As a teenager I had always felt like I wasn't supposed to be married. That maybe I was supposed to just serve God for my whole life and I wouldn't need a relationship or marriage. At some point, I decided that my ideas were better than God's and I just started living things my way. Let me tell you, that will get you nowhere you want to be.

Today, it's New Year's Eve. I'm on vacation. I stayed up til 4am working on a painting of a vision I had three weeks ago. I am single. I have been living on my own for a year. I struggle every month to pay the bills and just get by, but somehow it all works out. I took a leap of faith. I spent a few months going off the deep end. January and February of 2012 saw me behaving much like a 21 year old even though I was almost 24. I started going back to church, not regularly, but enough to spark God's voice in me again. Since July I've heard it more and more and since Thanksgiving I can't ignore it at all.

I love where I'm at right now. I hear God's thoughts more than my own. Everything reminds me of scripture. Every quiet moment I feel warmth. I can't explain how much I've changed. I've always been this unique blend of introvert/extrovert. I get around people and I compete for attention and I'm loud and crazy. I won't say that's completely gone, but I'm definitely quieter these days. It's not a bad thing at all. I've just been praying and I felt like God was telling me to quiet myself. Now, when I'm home alone, there isn't a television on, at most there's some music, but overall it's just me and God.

Last night I lost control of my car. I'm not sure what happened because it was all so fast. My car had started to go off the right side of the road, I over corrected and went into the other lane and then over corrected again and ending up in the ditch facing the wrong way. It was a huge blur and I just remembering saying "oh my God" over and over. It was the first time I was really saying it as a prayer and not an expletive. It was the only prayer I could manage at that moment. I somehow managed to go over this ditch and not flip my car, not hit any telephone poles and I was somehow able to just drive back up this very steep hill (with my terrible tires) and get back on the road. In case you weren't paying attention, that's a lot of "somehows". I know how....I had angels in my car. I got back on the road and I was shaken but at the same time I was at peace. As I passed all of the telephone poles, the guardrail that began about 20 yards from where I went off the road, all of it was just God saying "I protected you. You're safe."

I don't have to worry about 2013. Really, I don't have to worry about anything, it's all wasted energy. God is my number one and He will guide me and protect me, I need only trust in Him. I used to fight anxiety, depression, and general unhappiness. I'm not going to say I'm perfect and I never have those doubts, but now my first choice is to run to God and pray. I pray all the time. Every question, every doubt, every worry, every moment I need to, I shoot up a prayer. I have seen God working so much lately. It's gorgeous. It's like a Christmas present every day.

So, nice to meet you, 2013. I'm Sarah Grace. I'm a daughter. I'm a sister. I'm a grad student graduating in 4 months. I have very little money. I'm an artist. I'm a member of a hip hop street team. I'm a social media liaison for an upcoming rapper. I'm a follower of Christ and most importantly I am 100% in love with Jesus.

New Worlds to Call Home

Once in awhile something draws you out of your silence. The past few months I've experienced things but haven't really been able to explain them other than knowing that God is moving in me. It's hard to really pinpoint when it all started happening but there have been a few defining moments in my life where I really knew that God was talking to me and that I was changing. The first real defining moment would be when I lost my voice for 2 weeks, the summer of 2008 while I was living/working in Michigan.

During that time I heard God's voice, received my spiritual calling, and began my first metamorphosis into the woman God was creating inside me. That following year I had visions of a butterfly engulfed in flames, I understood this to be me and as I turned 21 I got it tattooed on my back. There are many things that I do that people don't understand, that they tend to think are weird or driven by something I've made up. However, that butterfly tattoo was a divine calling and that's why I got it.

In the past few months I've received other visions and had visits from demons. If you don't believe in that then it's okay, but I know that a demon visited me this summer and now I know why. Something gigantic is happening inside me, it's hard to explain to people that don't understand but I'm being transformed. That demon that visited was trying to destroy me. Demons feed on fear. I was so scared this summer because my visions were freaking me out and challenging everything I understood to be true. Some people's first thought might be that I was tripping or rolling during these visions, not true, but I guess people will believe what they want.

Right now, I'm in the midst of something huge and so is everyone else, they're just not as aware of it. I now understand why I've had the visions I've had. Why I've thought the things that I have. It's all part of a huge divine plan and I couldn't be more excited for what is going on.

I've already experienced exactly what was warned of me, people doubting me, relationships shifting and breaking down, fear trying to own me, but the positives I've experienced are unfathomable. I've experienced a healing of my soul, an overtaking of my energy, a joy that's unspeakable and a confidence in the Lord that I can't even explain to you. I'm transforming and God is holding my heart in his hand and has given me a peace that is amazing.

Oh Hi

I haven't blogged in over two months.
I don't really know why...I guess I just haven't had anything worth saying. When you combine that with the ridiculously busy schedule I keep, it's not hard to understand why on my days off I wouldn't feel like rehashing everything I've dealt with throughout the week. Sundays have become my sanctuary day. It's the one day in the entire week that I get to do only what I choose to do. Mondays I spend from 7:45-3:25 at my internship. Tuesdays it's work til 3 then group supervision 6-9. Wednesdays it's my internship from 7:45-12:45 and work from 1:30-10. Thursdays it's work til 3 and then class from 6-10. Friday and Saturday it's work. By the time Sunday rolls around I am exhausted.

Today I slept in until 11:30 and then just moved from my bed to the couch to start NFL Sunday. Usually on Sundays I don't move from my couch, I just watch every football game that comes on, surf the internet, text friends and relish in the fact that I don't have to shower today or even get dressed if I choose. I'm definitely hitting that senioritis slump of life.

It's the last year of my master's program. In May I graduate with a Master of Arts in Professional/School Counseling and that scares the crap out of me. I'll be done. I'll be moving into my actual career and I don't know what to do with that.

In addition to that, my life right now is completely different than what I thought it would be at this point. I'm turning 25 in 4 months and I am officially divorced, single and living alone with two cats. None of this really upsets me because I'm happy, but at the same time it is daunting. I have this amazing circle of friends that I wouldn't trade for the world, but at the same time the only reason I live in this area is because of school. I say all the time that I have "nothing" tying me to this area. The truth is, I have "nothing" tying me to anywhere. I would love to pick up and move to another state, really venture out and see the world but the idea of being alone and losing the only "family" I really have is horrifying.

I really love my job and I saw myself staying at it infinitely, until I found a job in a school or felt compelled to move on. In the past few months I've reached ultimate burnout and realized that I don't know how much longer I can work at this job and still be a real human being. The population I work with is extremely difficult, and unfortunately due to the fact that many mental health facilities are closing and the fact that Illinois has no permanent solutions for extremely mentally ill juveniles, they are ending up in residential treatment.What this means is that sicker and sicker kids are coming to my job and sometimes that means they're much more dangerous. One of my best friends got punched in the head by a client to the point of getting a concussion, bruised brain and cervical strain. When I look at the fact that the last 4 new kids we got are extremely ill, plus the fact that we'll be getting 5 more new kids in the next 5 months, I get really scared. If the next 5 are anything like the last 4, I can't do this job. There's a reason I didn't become a police officer like I once considered, I don't want to go to work with my life at risk. Not to mention, that back in May I was injured at work and since then I've still had medical issues connected to it.

I guess I say all this to say that my life is at a really up in the air moment. There is so much changing and happening and I literally have no idea what I could be doing in the next year. It's all exciting and horrifying at the same time.

Spazz

Once upon a time, approximately 10 years ago, I was literally insane. Alright, it's unfair to say literally, but I was way off my rocker. I was a teenage hormonal girl, dealing with a lot of stress, and it's pretty safe to say that I was a raging b****. I would be nice to my small circle of friends at school but when it came to anyone else, or even my family, I was 50 shades of psychotic. The typical terms got thrown out "depressed, nervous, bipolar," you name it, they thought I was it. The truth? My hormones were legitimately off balance and I had a lot of junk I was dealing with. 

There is one memory that sticks out really boldly to me now, it's something I've thought about a few times in the past month or so. I was 13 or 14, and I had just had a total meltdown. I had screamed, cried, thrown things at my parents and basically turned into the Tasmanian devil. I finally just crumbled and sat at the island in my kitchen just sobbing. I'm sure I looked insane to my family. I remember my parents coming around me and my mom asking me what was wrong. I remember telling her that I didn't know and that I just hated feeling this way. I was crying and couldn't calm down and my mom just prayed with me and told me how much she loved me and how everything would be okay. 

I can mark that moment as the turning point in my relationship with my mom. It's not like it was all sunshine and rainbows from that point forward, but I did respect my mom differently. My mom and I bonded more and more, and by the time my parents split up when I was 17 my mom was my best friend, ally and defender. We got matching tattoos on our feet the summer before my senior year of high school. She was the one person in the world that I could talk to about anything and she would never judge me. She would express disappointment or hold me accountable but it would never change the way she loved me.

This week was the McLean County 4-H Fair. I have missed one fair my entire life, and that was the year I lived in Michigan. My mom went to the fair 15 weeks pregnant with me and performed her superintendent duties all week long. The following summer she took me to the fair. I have never known a summer without the fair. The year after my mom died I went to the fair for 45 minutes, and that's all I could take. My mom wasn't buried, but if she was, the fair would be like visiting her gravestone. It was too much. Last year I went for 3 days and saw my little cousins' projects and really just focused on loving them and not missing my mom. This year? I couldn't even bear the thought of going. I almost did on Wednesday but I made reasons up in my head for not going. I just couldn't do it. 

I didn't realize how much this was hurting me. I didn't realize how hard this week would be for me or the effect it would have on my demeanor. Along with that, yesterday was the 4th, or exactly a month since my last nervous breakdown. Well, apparently, it was time for another one. Last night I came unglued. Awesome. 

I haven't drank in over 2 months. Drinking isn't really an issue for me, or at least it hadn't been until a few months ago. Last night I decided to drink...and then my brain fell out and I acted stupid and I had to make a lot of apologies to people today. I had to apologize for really dumb stuff, including yelling at my friend Chris over whether or not the song Sweet Emotion is in Armageddon or just on the soundtrack. I had to apologize for throwing my phone at my friends. Just stupid, stupid, decisions. 

It's amazing though, how even when you're drunk and psychoanalyzing yourself how much you can really be aware of your feelings. I didn't journal this week, which meant I was less aware of my thoughts. I knew I missed my mom this week. I knew that my 30 day recovery mark would be a possible trigger. I shouldn't have watched a particular episode of Grey's Anatomy that triggered me. I shouldn't have drank as much as I did. All of this? I realized last night...still drunk...crying on the couch as my friend Beverly tried to calm me down. 

I thank God that Beverly was with me and knows every detail that's going on and knew exactly how to take care of me. It's also funny that last night, I had a Christian rap lyric running through my brain after we got back from the bar. I don't even know why either, I hadn't listened to that song since yesterday morning. For whatever reason though, I just kept repeating in my head "I"m a F-A-N-A-T-I-C, I rep Christ til I D-I-E. I'm not extreme, I'm redeemed with faith to serve a God who's extremely great." Maybe it was God's way of reminding me that even if you fall really far away, He's still there to catch you and love you. I think I needed to realize that in the midst of my bad decisions I was still redeemed with faith and that my God is huge and wonderful. 

Going forward...I'm going to keep falling on my face and crying out to Jesus. I'm not going to say it will never happen again, but I pray it won't. I want to seek God and love Jesus. 

On Friday, Beverly and I went to the Lecrae concert. Everything was working against us and it was weird because I just kept thinking "Satan doesn't want us at this concert, he really doesn't". I told Latia that I felt like God was going to move in a huge way and that's why Satan didn't want us there. At the concert, Lecrae sang an old 116 Clique song, that I hadn't heard in YEARS. That's the lyric that kept rolling through my head last night. After the concert I told Beverly, this is going to sound weird, but I like when I feel Satan coming after me. I had to clarify that I didn't like Satan, but that when Satan is coming after you then you know you're close to the Spirit and Satan is fighting for your soul. My dad has told me all kinds of things in life that are important but there is one specific thing that I firmly believe is the greatest thing he has taught me. My dad told me when I was a teen that the closer you get to God, the stronger you get in your walk, the more you fall in love with God, the harder that Satan will fight to get you. I know this is true. I know that Satan is FIGHTING for my soul and man does he want me to fail. I've been pouring the word into me lately. I've only listened to Christian music for the past month, my heart has been pouring out God, I've been witnessing to people, I've been praising God daily...and SATAN IS MAD. I'm not perfect, I'm just trying to walk in the light and Satan is trying to really mess that up.  You know what, though? I'm glad, because I'm on the right path then. 

I think when I told Latia that God was going to move, I expected God to move for someone else. I expected God to move for Beverly, or strangers, I didn't expect him to move for me. I find it no accident that a Lecrae lyric was comforting me last night. A lyric I heard Friday night. The night I said God would move. Want to know something? When you ask God to move...HE DOES IT. God's still moving in me and even though I fell down, it's okay. 

Even if I fall, I'll rise again, for you are my God

Even if I fall, you lift me up