You Can't Delete the Truth

A year or more ago I deleted all the Christian music off of my computer. I mean ALL of it. Even, the pseudo-Christian Relient K and Skillet. I was PISSED at God and I wanted him as far away from me as possible. I didn't want to put my computer on shuffle and risk Chris Tomlin or Hillsong shuffling their way into my mind. I wanted to be angry. I wanted to be resentful. I wanted to hang on to my bitterness and sadness. Guess what? 

It worked. 

I managed to push God as far away as I humanly could. Do you see the problem word in that sentence? I'll give you a hint...it's humanly. The hilarious thing about God is that he doesn't work on human terms, he works on God terms. I'm not sure if you fully understand that, but let me put it this way, he doesn't freaking give up! He will claw, scratch, and pry your way into your heart before you can even process it enough to build that wall back up.

I stopped listening to God. It worked for awhile. I graduated college, I took another retail job, I kept doing my thing, and I kept ignoring God, and you know what he did?? He got me fired! He turned my entire plan upside down and made me suffer. My plan was just to keep working retail to bide my time until I finished grad school and then I would do his work.

I never intended on fully ignoring him. In the back of my mind I still knew I was called to tend to his children. I still knew he wanted me loving the unloved, caring for the broken and mending the torn. I just wasn't ready to do it until I had finished my education. I was dilly-dallying with God's plan. Seriously?! Who did I think I was? 

I now find all of this hysterically funny. I find this funny in the way that I find falling on your face funny. It's like I was walking along, minding my own business, doing my thing and then this freaking mud puddle came out of nowhere and I just biffed it big time and now I'm on my butt in front of tons of people (that really happened when I was 16). God...is my mud puddle. 

I took the job I'm in now because it was what I wanted to do. However, it wasn't really my idea, it was God's. He just let me act like the dad in My Big Fat Greek Wedding and think it was my idea, so I'd be okay with it. You know what he's doing though? HE IS MESSING MY WORLD UP!

It's awesome. 

When I was 20 years old I googled summer camps in Michigan. I had just broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years and we were "working things out" and I decided I should be in Michigan to make that easier. I took a job at a Christian camp, that I knew nothing about so I could be near my ex-boyfriend. I swore to my mom that wasn't the reason, but we all knew the truth. You know what we didn't know? We didn't know that I wouldn't even see that boyfriend that summer. We didn't know that God would change my heart, heal my wounds, bring tears to my eyes and tell me his calling for me. I didn't know that God was putting me through the ringer. I just knew that a whole heck of a lot was shifting in me. I kept a journal that summer. 

When I started working at my new job my heart went back to that original calling. I knew that God put me in this position and tonight, I picked up my journal to read. I want to remember what God did in me that summer that changed my heart so much. I want a refresher course on God's love and God's plan. 

I've been looking at my wrist tattoo a lot lately. My wrist tattoo is 3 stars, a large purple one with a gold cross in the middle, and two gold stars on either side of the purple one. Under the stars, is written "Php. 4:13". That scripture verse is probably one of the most widely known besides John 3:16. 

Philippians 4:13 is "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

It's a verse that means so much to me. When Paul wrote that letter to the Philippians, he was being called by the Lord to do something he felt ill equipped to do. He didn't think he was educated enough. He didn't think he was strong enough. Then he realized, he wasn't. He didn't have anything he "needed" to do the job, but God was equipping him with it all. When I was 18 years old, I graduated from high school and I knew that God was calling me to his work. I was stricken with Paul's feelings. I knew that one day I'd be doing something that I wasn't ready or willing to do, but that God would give me strength. That's one time in my life that I can honestly say that I was right about something. 

This past week at work, I used my tattoo as a witnessing tool. I said words very similar to the paragraph I've just written to this one particular boy. I only said it to him because at this particular moment he had pulled 5 separate Bibles from his desk and told me of his aspirations to be a preacher, but that he really can't get a hold of his anger. I told him about Paul, and the Philippians, and myself. I told him that he isn't strong enough on his own, but that God puts people in our lives for a reason, and that if he wanted, I would gladly be that person for him. Yesterday at work, that same boy broke my heart. He had a terrible day yesterday and made some bad choices. I spent two and a half hours with him, listening to him, and just praying for him in my head over and over. I told him that I see great things in him, and so does God, and when the devil knows a person will one day do amazing things for God, he will come at them that much harder.  I was off of work today and I thought about him all day, still praying for him, and worrying about him, wondering if he was doing okay. 

I'm in it, right now. I am in the mission field that God called me to. Every day my heart breaks, but in a good way. I feel little fissures in my soul, I feel myself being taught my God and conditioned by the Holy Spirit to be a light to these boys. I am ridiculously fortunate that this boy welcomed me into his life and let me be a witness. I don't have that opportunity so vocally with the other boys. Instead, I will just try to witness through my actions and attitude rather than actual witnessing. 

I am putting all the Christian music back on my computer. I am going to stop ignoring God, but to welcome him back and allow him to use me again. That's the great thing about God. You don't have to become a better person to get back to him, he meets you where you are, in all your junk and your running, to pull you back out again. 

Psalm 40:1-3

I waited patiently for the LORD;
   he turned to me and heard my cry.
² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
   out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
   and gave me a firm place to stand.
³ He put a new song in my mouth,
   a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
   and put their trust in him.