The Kicking Screaming Kind

I feel like recently  my life has been the poster child for "when life throws you lemons..."  

I can't even describe how completely exhausted I am at this point. I just feel like recently absolutely nothing has gone the way I need it to or expected it to or how it should have based on the amount of work I put in. Right now I'm struggling to find one thing in my life that is going well. 

I have this amazing job. I love my job. I'm employed which is more than what some can say. However, this job is exhausting and paired with school I just don't feel like I'm giving the 100% I like to give. I'm spread too thin. 

Then there's school. I'm burnt out of school. I'm just done. I'm hanging on by tiny threads, praying and wishing to make it through to July. School in and of itself is a headache. The lab equipment isn't recording my sessions correctly. I can't get any of my tapes to play on my Mac, when I do convert them I have either no audio or no video. I'm behind on writing papers because I couldn't afford the book until last week. 

I really hate coming here to rant about my life, but I'm going to have to turn it around. I refuse to fail. I can't do it. I've put so much work and effort into my life that I just can't fail this close to the finish line. I'm going to kick and scream my way through these next 4 months until classes are done.

I am so tired of fighting for EVERYTHING. I'm trying to move out of my house into an apartment. I haven't found an apartment yet. I have no way to actually move anything. I have way too much stuff to fit into an apartment. I could so easily freak out right now. It would be so easy to just sit on my floor and cry because everything is too hard. I get mad at myself when I think that way because I know there are so many people in the world that have it worse than I do. I know that my problems are stereotypical #firstworldproblems and I need to just suck it up, but sometimes you get to be sad. You get to be upset that things aren't going your way, especially if you've done everything in your power to make them go. 

I went home this weekend. I shouldn't have. I couldn't afford to. My car is on the fritz. I went home though, and I ended up at my brother's church for the evening service. The sermon was wonderful and it hit me where I needed it. I recommitted and I'm ready to accept the sermon meaning that God loves Us, We Love God, God Loves Everyone and through this awesomeness we can make ridiculous change. 

Driving home I just kept thinking of a song I heard a lot in college thanks to the 5 song cycle of the Christian radio station. The lyrics say "I don't want to box you in, you been doing big things in the world again, sometimes I just don't understand that you're big enough." I need to stop boxing God in. I put God in boxes like: judging, scary, conditional and none of them are true. I need to stop fighting all on my own and lean on him, because I've already figured out that I'm definitely not strong enough on my own. 

Also at my brother's church, they played this song and I just absolutely love the meaning and her voice, perfection.