Cabin Fever

I have written this post twice and then deleted it. I won't lie. I am at my breaking point right now. I know I can get through it because, frankly I've gotten through much worse. However, right now I feel like I can't do anything.

In the past 6 weeks my best friend's car broke down to the point of no repair, I had to get all new brakes on my car, I broke my foot, had surgery, got a flat tire on the way home from the hospital, couldn't get the tire off, had to have it towed and the tire and rim replaced and then this week my alternator goes out.

Financially...I'm screwed. I'm on medical leave not making nearly what I need to, still 2-4 weeks out of going back to work and my entire tax return is going to fixing car and paying bills.

I posted on Facebook this week that I feel like Job in the Bible. I'm exhausted. I can't even lie. My faith is being tested everyday and I'm too smart to fall into my own pity party. For a few minutes at a time I'll start to cry and then get mad at myself.

Who am I to complain about my situation when so many people have it worse? I know scripture well enough for all the reassuring verses to pop into my head and make me feel stupid for feeling this way. I've always been a big prayer advocate but lately every other thought I have is a prayer because I am losing strength.

As introverted as I can be I still need people and for the past 4 weeks I have missed people! I miss going into my local gas station and chatting up the girls working. I miss going to work and seeing my coworkers. I miss being able to drive.

I hate that I've become such a baby over all this. I hate it so much. I hate asking for help and I hate not having freedom. I've fallen almost completely into my own pity party and I'm once again mad at myself for letting it happen.

My friend Latia sent me a great excerpt from a devotional yesterday and it was really what I needed to hear. I ended up downloading the free version of the devotional app and today's message was once again what I needed.

I know God is here and I know He is working through this and something beautiful will come out of it. I have to keep reminding myself that it's only temporary and that I can do it with His strength. That is the ONLY way I can do this. Trust me, on my own I am not capable of handling all this. My Dad always said that "the closer you get to God, the harder the Devil comes at you".

I definitely feel like Job and it kind of makes me want to just scream at the Devil that he's wasting his time because I will never lose faith in The Lord. Even on days when I'm PMSing and my brother goes out with friends and I'm home alone with no cable, Internet or food and all I want to do is cry, I will not give up.

P.s. if it wasn't for having an iPhone with 4G, I would have gone crazy already

Sweet Disposition

As of tomorrow, it will be three weeks since I broke my foot. As of Saturday, it will be three weeks since I've been to work. For the past 7 years of my life I have worked full time and gone to school full time. I have taken short vacations here and there, 5 days, 10 days, but there's always been something to do. Now? I'm going on day 18 of doing nothing. I have not left the house except to go to the doctor/hospital. I have been around the same 4 people for almost 3 weeks now. 

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am incredibly active and fiercely independent. I don't ask for help and I don't tell people when I'm struggling. In the past I have been a very guarded person, never letting people in. I spend a lot of time working, going to school, and being alone. I did things when I wanted, how I wanted, and I didn't have people that I could "rely" on. I was forced to grow up and take care of myself and I've been doing it for as long as I can remember. 

Approximately 5 years ago, God started shifting that in me. God started showing me that I needed to let down my guard here and there, that I needed to let people in. I started letting people in and forming relationships...and then my mom died.

 After my mom died I deleted every "fringe" person off my Facebook. I got tired of people I barely talked to sending me their condolences. I was frustrated by everyone. I realize now that I was so angry and all I wanted to do was be alone and miserable and these people kept reminding me that I wasn't alone. The push-pull of forming relationships with people began again and once again I tried to isolate myself. 

I can tell you a lot about myself and in all honesty, I've learned most of it in the past 6 months. I am a weird blend of introvert and extrovert. I love being around people but I hate negative energy so I have to pull away, be alone and recharge frequently. I like noise but I like control and simplicity as well. I can have a blast at a concert but I'd rather sit in the quiet of my own home with music quietly playing. I love dressing up, doing my makeup to the fullest extent, making my hair pretty. I'm a total girly girl. I am also one of the toughest people you will ever meet. 

I am turning 25 in 4 days. I'm oddly excited by this. I feel like I'm really who I'm supposed to be. I know what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. I know who I am. I know my strengths and weaknesses. I know what's important and what's not. 

I'm glad that I have relationships now. I'm glad that I stopped pushing people away. I have the best friends a girl could ask for. I have an amazing family. I'm proud of who I am and what I have. 

I'm also proud that even though 5 years ago you couldn't have paid me to, today I willingly hug people and accept hugs. Trust me, that's way bigger than it sounds. 

Mind Over Matter

It's been two days since I had surgery. I won't lie, time has been warped by all my pain meds and napping. As tough as I am. This thing hurts!

I have 7 tattoos, including a half sleeve, and 10 piercings. At first glance I may appear as though pain is nothing to me. That statement is mostly true but this pain is different. I've found my only key to surviving it is the concept of "mind over matter."

I have spent a fair amount of time watching comedies on Netflix, listening up happy music and pinning pretty things on Pinterest. It has done the trick though.

I focus on happiness and what beautiful things are to come and it dulls the pain. I refuse to dwell on the negative feelings and I just submerge myself in positivity.

Positive things? The amazing gourmet feasts that have been prepared for me. Painting my nails :-)
I'm feeling back to myself, yet also a slight improvement. There is nothing that can separate me.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38, 39 NIV)

What Happiness Really Means

This whole broken foot thing has turned out to be the BEST thing to happen to me in a while. You might ask "Really, Sarah? Breaking your foot in 4 places, having to be on crutches, not being able to drive, having to fully rely on your friends? That's all good for you?" and I would reply "YEP!" and here's why: 

I am a fiercely independent woman (all Destiny's Child references aside). I HATE asking for help. I pride myself on being able to accomplish all I have to on my own. You know what, though? That's WRONG. I don't do anything on my own. I do it all with the redeeming, everlasting, unconditional love and strength from my amazing Heavenly Father. 

I've been "broken" for almost two weeks now. As a result I've been crashing at my BFF Beverly's house. It's funny really that her car died and a week later I was rendered unable to drive. She has no car, I can't drive the one I have, so therefore we complete each other. Beverly lives with her boyfriend (the previously mentioned rapper J Jackel) and his cousin JJ Jallah Keyz. For the past almost two weeks I have been living in the most creative house ever. As I write this, JJ is in the living room creating music. It is seriously some of the most beautiful music ever. He is wickedly talented. If you don't believe me just YouTube some JJ Jallah Keyz and watch that man play the piano. You can tell that his gift comes straight from above. 

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a ball of energy. I can barely sit still through an entire movie. I'm constantly moving. Putting a woman like me on crutches and telling me to rest and let people help me...seriously the biggest challenge I've faced in a while. It's given me this amazing gift of time. I've been reading the Bible like it's my lifeline (which it totally is). God has been revealing the most beautiful things to me. I just want to share three things with you all today: 

1) You do not need to fear anything. You have angels around you EVERYDAY  and all you have to do is call on them and they will show you beautiful things. 

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:1, 2 NIV)

2) Your love for God should be so crazy and insane that everyone around you wonders what the heck is wrong with you? What is creating that fire inside that person? Why do they keep talking about God? Why do they keep loving people even when the world is so negative? You know how you can tell a person is in love by how they look at someone. Well, people should look at you and know everyday that you are completely, totally in love with The One.

3) This is an invitation to let archangels protect you in your life. This is a gift from God and we are blessed enough to have the God of angel armies reigning in our lives. 

https://soundcloud.com/j-j-jallah-keyz/archangelic-protection-for-the

God is Good

I think that some people are afraid of God. God is definitely one to be feared but not for any of the reasons that most people think. I believe that some people go through life afraid of God's judgment but in a paranoid way, not a righteous way. He sits on a throne, with a powerful gaze, awaiting missteps so he can condemn or punish. That's not who He is though.

I think a lot about God. I think about what makes Him laugh, what makes Him sad, what makes Him proud. My friend J.J. said it simple and sweet, "He's like a good dad". When I think of God like that then it's not hard to love Him with my whole heart. My own father and I have had our rough patches but overall, he's my father, and I love him. My earthly father can laugh at me, be proud of me, hug me when I'm down and show me that I am in his thoughts and dreams. My heavenly father can do all of those things too, and I love that I understand that now.

Last week I was walking down the stairs, in the dark, at 5am and I was very very tired. I wasn't paying attention and I just missed the last two stairs. Instead of driving to work at 6am I ended up driving myself to the emergency room. A few hours later I was informed that I was broken, getting crutches, and following up with an orthopedic surgeon to assess the damage. When I drove myself to the ER I had the radio on and the first song I heard was Hallelujah by Heather Williams. I started cracking up at the lyrics. In the midst of my pain and frustration, God met me where I was to let me know that He's still here and He has a sense of humor as good as mine. Of course it is! He gave me my sense of humor.

Here's what He said to me Thursday morning through the lyrics on the radio:

Jesus, please come, please come today
Heal me, hear me, be near me I pray
I have fallen so far, flat on my face
I’m in need of Your grace today
I stumble and fall, but in spite of it all
Your love always stays the same
Hallelujah

I was giggling like crazy at that. I literally said aloud, in my car, "that's great, God, you're hysterical". It is funny though, how God works. As a result of my broken foot, I can't drive, I also can't work until I have surgery and recovery a bit from it. God is working through broken bones. Seriously, He is HUGE and will use anything for His glory. I have all this free time and it's nice to spend it in The Word, reading and relaxing. I think it was God's way of telling me to slow down.

My broken foot already got my best friend to church for the first time in 9 years. I can't wait to see what other beautiful work God does through it. Even though this injury is far from beautiful...

Spiral fracture-Broken in 4 places

Nice to Meet You, 2013

Every year around this time, I of course get Death Cab for Cutie's song New Year stuck in my head. The simple lyrics of "So this is the new year...and I don't feel any different." In past years those lyrics have rung true and it hasn't upset me. I've almost wallowed in the fact that nothing changes and everything remains, as I understood it, mediocre and unexciting.

I'm not making a resolution. I'm simply stating that this year I do feel different, and I am different and I love love love it.

One year ago today I purposely worked a double shift at my job (6:30am-10:00pm) to avoid going home. I then made plans with friends to avoid returning to my husband. On New Years Day 2012, my husband moved out. There were problems in our relationship, there were compounding issues but I can tell you what the biggest problem was. Our relationship was not centered on God. Approximately this time last year I started hearing the voice of God again and I knew I wasn't where I was supposed to be. As a teenager I had always felt like I wasn't supposed to be married. That maybe I was supposed to just serve God for my whole life and I wouldn't need a relationship or marriage. At some point, I decided that my ideas were better than God's and I just started living things my way. Let me tell you, that will get you nowhere you want to be.

Today, it's New Year's Eve. I'm on vacation. I stayed up til 4am working on a painting of a vision I had three weeks ago. I am single. I have been living on my own for a year. I struggle every month to pay the bills and just get by, but somehow it all works out. I took a leap of faith. I spent a few months going off the deep end. January and February of 2012 saw me behaving much like a 21 year old even though I was almost 24. I started going back to church, not regularly, but enough to spark God's voice in me again. Since July I've heard it more and more and since Thanksgiving I can't ignore it at all.

I love where I'm at right now. I hear God's thoughts more than my own. Everything reminds me of scripture. Every quiet moment I feel warmth. I can't explain how much I've changed. I've always been this unique blend of introvert/extrovert. I get around people and I compete for attention and I'm loud and crazy. I won't say that's completely gone, but I'm definitely quieter these days. It's not a bad thing at all. I've just been praying and I felt like God was telling me to quiet myself. Now, when I'm home alone, there isn't a television on, at most there's some music, but overall it's just me and God.

Last night I lost control of my car. I'm not sure what happened because it was all so fast. My car had started to go off the right side of the road, I over corrected and went into the other lane and then over corrected again and ending up in the ditch facing the wrong way. It was a huge blur and I just remembering saying "oh my God" over and over. It was the first time I was really saying it as a prayer and not an expletive. It was the only prayer I could manage at that moment. I somehow managed to go over this ditch and not flip my car, not hit any telephone poles and I was somehow able to just drive back up this very steep hill (with my terrible tires) and get back on the road. In case you weren't paying attention, that's a lot of "somehows". I know how....I had angels in my car. I got back on the road and I was shaken but at the same time I was at peace. As I passed all of the telephone poles, the guardrail that began about 20 yards from where I went off the road, all of it was just God saying "I protected you. You're safe."

I don't have to worry about 2013. Really, I don't have to worry about anything, it's all wasted energy. God is my number one and He will guide me and protect me, I need only trust in Him. I used to fight anxiety, depression, and general unhappiness. I'm not going to say I'm perfect and I never have those doubts, but now my first choice is to run to God and pray. I pray all the time. Every question, every doubt, every worry, every moment I need to, I shoot up a prayer. I have seen God working so much lately. It's gorgeous. It's like a Christmas present every day.

So, nice to meet you, 2013. I'm Sarah Grace. I'm a daughter. I'm a sister. I'm a grad student graduating in 4 months. I have very little money. I'm an artist. I'm a member of a hip hop street team. I'm a social media liaison for an upcoming rapper. I'm a follower of Christ and most importantly I am 100% in love with Jesus.

New Worlds to Call Home

Once in awhile something draws you out of your silence. The past few months I've experienced things but haven't really been able to explain them other than knowing that God is moving in me. It's hard to really pinpoint when it all started happening but there have been a few defining moments in my life where I really knew that God was talking to me and that I was changing. The first real defining moment would be when I lost my voice for 2 weeks, the summer of 2008 while I was living/working in Michigan.

During that time I heard God's voice, received my spiritual calling, and began my first metamorphosis into the woman God was creating inside me. That following year I had visions of a butterfly engulfed in flames, I understood this to be me and as I turned 21 I got it tattooed on my back. There are many things that I do that people don't understand, that they tend to think are weird or driven by something I've made up. However, that butterfly tattoo was a divine calling and that's why I got it.

In the past few months I've received other visions and had visits from demons. If you don't believe in that then it's okay, but I know that a demon visited me this summer and now I know why. Something gigantic is happening inside me, it's hard to explain to people that don't understand but I'm being transformed. That demon that visited was trying to destroy me. Demons feed on fear. I was so scared this summer because my visions were freaking me out and challenging everything I understood to be true. Some people's first thought might be that I was tripping or rolling during these visions, not true, but I guess people will believe what they want.

Right now, I'm in the midst of something huge and so is everyone else, they're just not as aware of it. I now understand why I've had the visions I've had. Why I've thought the things that I have. It's all part of a huge divine plan and I couldn't be more excited for what is going on.

I've already experienced exactly what was warned of me, people doubting me, relationships shifting and breaking down, fear trying to own me, but the positives I've experienced are unfathomable. I've experienced a healing of my soul, an overtaking of my energy, a joy that's unspeakable and a confidence in the Lord that I can't even explain to you. I'm transforming and God is holding my heart in his hand and has given me a peace that is amazing.