Nice to Meet You, 2013

Every year around this time, I of course get Death Cab for Cutie's song New Year stuck in my head. The simple lyrics of "So this is the new year...and I don't feel any different." In past years those lyrics have rung true and it hasn't upset me. I've almost wallowed in the fact that nothing changes and everything remains, as I understood it, mediocre and unexciting.

I'm not making a resolution. I'm simply stating that this year I do feel different, and I am different and I love love love it.

One year ago today I purposely worked a double shift at my job (6:30am-10:00pm) to avoid going home. I then made plans with friends to avoid returning to my husband. On New Years Day 2012, my husband moved out. There were problems in our relationship, there were compounding issues but I can tell you what the biggest problem was. Our relationship was not centered on God. Approximately this time last year I started hearing the voice of God again and I knew I wasn't where I was supposed to be. As a teenager I had always felt like I wasn't supposed to be married. That maybe I was supposed to just serve God for my whole life and I wouldn't need a relationship or marriage. At some point, I decided that my ideas were better than God's and I just started living things my way. Let me tell you, that will get you nowhere you want to be.

Today, it's New Year's Eve. I'm on vacation. I stayed up til 4am working on a painting of a vision I had three weeks ago. I am single. I have been living on my own for a year. I struggle every month to pay the bills and just get by, but somehow it all works out. I took a leap of faith. I spent a few months going off the deep end. January and February of 2012 saw me behaving much like a 21 year old even though I was almost 24. I started going back to church, not regularly, but enough to spark God's voice in me again. Since July I've heard it more and more and since Thanksgiving I can't ignore it at all.

I love where I'm at right now. I hear God's thoughts more than my own. Everything reminds me of scripture. Every quiet moment I feel warmth. I can't explain how much I've changed. I've always been this unique blend of introvert/extrovert. I get around people and I compete for attention and I'm loud and crazy. I won't say that's completely gone, but I'm definitely quieter these days. It's not a bad thing at all. I've just been praying and I felt like God was telling me to quiet myself. Now, when I'm home alone, there isn't a television on, at most there's some music, but overall it's just me and God.

Last night I lost control of my car. I'm not sure what happened because it was all so fast. My car had started to go off the right side of the road, I over corrected and went into the other lane and then over corrected again and ending up in the ditch facing the wrong way. It was a huge blur and I just remembering saying "oh my God" over and over. It was the first time I was really saying it as a prayer and not an expletive. It was the only prayer I could manage at that moment. I somehow managed to go over this ditch and not flip my car, not hit any telephone poles and I was somehow able to just drive back up this very steep hill (with my terrible tires) and get back on the road. In case you weren't paying attention, that's a lot of "somehows". I know how....I had angels in my car. I got back on the road and I was shaken but at the same time I was at peace. As I passed all of the telephone poles, the guardrail that began about 20 yards from where I went off the road, all of it was just God saying "I protected you. You're safe."

I don't have to worry about 2013. Really, I don't have to worry about anything, it's all wasted energy. God is my number one and He will guide me and protect me, I need only trust in Him. I used to fight anxiety, depression, and general unhappiness. I'm not going to say I'm perfect and I never have those doubts, but now my first choice is to run to God and pray. I pray all the time. Every question, every doubt, every worry, every moment I need to, I shoot up a prayer. I have seen God working so much lately. It's gorgeous. It's like a Christmas present every day.

So, nice to meet you, 2013. I'm Sarah Grace. I'm a daughter. I'm a sister. I'm a grad student graduating in 4 months. I have very little money. I'm an artist. I'm a member of a hip hop street team. I'm a social media liaison for an upcoming rapper. I'm a follower of Christ and most importantly I am 100% in love with Jesus.

New Worlds to Call Home

Once in awhile something draws you out of your silence. The past few months I've experienced things but haven't really been able to explain them other than knowing that God is moving in me. It's hard to really pinpoint when it all started happening but there have been a few defining moments in my life where I really knew that God was talking to me and that I was changing. The first real defining moment would be when I lost my voice for 2 weeks, the summer of 2008 while I was living/working in Michigan.

During that time I heard God's voice, received my spiritual calling, and began my first metamorphosis into the woman God was creating inside me. That following year I had visions of a butterfly engulfed in flames, I understood this to be me and as I turned 21 I got it tattooed on my back. There are many things that I do that people don't understand, that they tend to think are weird or driven by something I've made up. However, that butterfly tattoo was a divine calling and that's why I got it.

In the past few months I've received other visions and had visits from demons. If you don't believe in that then it's okay, but I know that a demon visited me this summer and now I know why. Something gigantic is happening inside me, it's hard to explain to people that don't understand but I'm being transformed. That demon that visited was trying to destroy me. Demons feed on fear. I was so scared this summer because my visions were freaking me out and challenging everything I understood to be true. Some people's first thought might be that I was tripping or rolling during these visions, not true, but I guess people will believe what they want.

Right now, I'm in the midst of something huge and so is everyone else, they're just not as aware of it. I now understand why I've had the visions I've had. Why I've thought the things that I have. It's all part of a huge divine plan and I couldn't be more excited for what is going on.

I've already experienced exactly what was warned of me, people doubting me, relationships shifting and breaking down, fear trying to own me, but the positives I've experienced are unfathomable. I've experienced a healing of my soul, an overtaking of my energy, a joy that's unspeakable and a confidence in the Lord that I can't even explain to you. I'm transforming and God is holding my heart in his hand and has given me a peace that is amazing.

Oh Hi

I haven't blogged in over two months.
I don't really know why...I guess I just haven't had anything worth saying. When you combine that with the ridiculously busy schedule I keep, it's not hard to understand why on my days off I wouldn't feel like rehashing everything I've dealt with throughout the week. Sundays have become my sanctuary day. It's the one day in the entire week that I get to do only what I choose to do. Mondays I spend from 7:45-3:25 at my internship. Tuesdays it's work til 3 then group supervision 6-9. Wednesdays it's my internship from 7:45-12:45 and work from 1:30-10. Thursdays it's work til 3 and then class from 6-10. Friday and Saturday it's work. By the time Sunday rolls around I am exhausted.

Today I slept in until 11:30 and then just moved from my bed to the couch to start NFL Sunday. Usually on Sundays I don't move from my couch, I just watch every football game that comes on, surf the internet, text friends and relish in the fact that I don't have to shower today or even get dressed if I choose. I'm definitely hitting that senioritis slump of life.

It's the last year of my master's program. In May I graduate with a Master of Arts in Professional/School Counseling and that scares the crap out of me. I'll be done. I'll be moving into my actual career and I don't know what to do with that.

In addition to that, my life right now is completely different than what I thought it would be at this point. I'm turning 25 in 4 months and I am officially divorced, single and living alone with two cats. None of this really upsets me because I'm happy, but at the same time it is daunting. I have this amazing circle of friends that I wouldn't trade for the world, but at the same time the only reason I live in this area is because of school. I say all the time that I have "nothing" tying me to this area. The truth is, I have "nothing" tying me to anywhere. I would love to pick up and move to another state, really venture out and see the world but the idea of being alone and losing the only "family" I really have is horrifying.

I really love my job and I saw myself staying at it infinitely, until I found a job in a school or felt compelled to move on. In the past few months I've reached ultimate burnout and realized that I don't know how much longer I can work at this job and still be a real human being. The population I work with is extremely difficult, and unfortunately due to the fact that many mental health facilities are closing and the fact that Illinois has no permanent solutions for extremely mentally ill juveniles, they are ending up in residential treatment.What this means is that sicker and sicker kids are coming to my job and sometimes that means they're much more dangerous. One of my best friends got punched in the head by a client to the point of getting a concussion, bruised brain and cervical strain. When I look at the fact that the last 4 new kids we got are extremely ill, plus the fact that we'll be getting 5 more new kids in the next 5 months, I get really scared. If the next 5 are anything like the last 4, I can't do this job. There's a reason I didn't become a police officer like I once considered, I don't want to go to work with my life at risk. Not to mention, that back in May I was injured at work and since then I've still had medical issues connected to it.

I guess I say all this to say that my life is at a really up in the air moment. There is so much changing and happening and I literally have no idea what I could be doing in the next year. It's all exciting and horrifying at the same time.

Spazz

Once upon a time, approximately 10 years ago, I was literally insane. Alright, it's unfair to say literally, but I was way off my rocker. I was a teenage hormonal girl, dealing with a lot of stress, and it's pretty safe to say that I was a raging b****. I would be nice to my small circle of friends at school but when it came to anyone else, or even my family, I was 50 shades of psychotic. The typical terms got thrown out "depressed, nervous, bipolar," you name it, they thought I was it. The truth? My hormones were legitimately off balance and I had a lot of junk I was dealing with. 

There is one memory that sticks out really boldly to me now, it's something I've thought about a few times in the past month or so. I was 13 or 14, and I had just had a total meltdown. I had screamed, cried, thrown things at my parents and basically turned into the Tasmanian devil. I finally just crumbled and sat at the island in my kitchen just sobbing. I'm sure I looked insane to my family. I remember my parents coming around me and my mom asking me what was wrong. I remember telling her that I didn't know and that I just hated feeling this way. I was crying and couldn't calm down and my mom just prayed with me and told me how much she loved me and how everything would be okay. 

I can mark that moment as the turning point in my relationship with my mom. It's not like it was all sunshine and rainbows from that point forward, but I did respect my mom differently. My mom and I bonded more and more, and by the time my parents split up when I was 17 my mom was my best friend, ally and defender. We got matching tattoos on our feet the summer before my senior year of high school. She was the one person in the world that I could talk to about anything and she would never judge me. She would express disappointment or hold me accountable but it would never change the way she loved me.

This week was the McLean County 4-H Fair. I have missed one fair my entire life, and that was the year I lived in Michigan. My mom went to the fair 15 weeks pregnant with me and performed her superintendent duties all week long. The following summer she took me to the fair. I have never known a summer without the fair. The year after my mom died I went to the fair for 45 minutes, and that's all I could take. My mom wasn't buried, but if she was, the fair would be like visiting her gravestone. It was too much. Last year I went for 3 days and saw my little cousins' projects and really just focused on loving them and not missing my mom. This year? I couldn't even bear the thought of going. I almost did on Wednesday but I made reasons up in my head for not going. I just couldn't do it. 

I didn't realize how much this was hurting me. I didn't realize how hard this week would be for me or the effect it would have on my demeanor. Along with that, yesterday was the 4th, or exactly a month since my last nervous breakdown. Well, apparently, it was time for another one. Last night I came unglued. Awesome. 

I haven't drank in over 2 months. Drinking isn't really an issue for me, or at least it hadn't been until a few months ago. Last night I decided to drink...and then my brain fell out and I acted stupid and I had to make a lot of apologies to people today. I had to apologize for really dumb stuff, including yelling at my friend Chris over whether or not the song Sweet Emotion is in Armageddon or just on the soundtrack. I had to apologize for throwing my phone at my friends. Just stupid, stupid, decisions. 

It's amazing though, how even when you're drunk and psychoanalyzing yourself how much you can really be aware of your feelings. I didn't journal this week, which meant I was less aware of my thoughts. I knew I missed my mom this week. I knew that my 30 day recovery mark would be a possible trigger. I shouldn't have watched a particular episode of Grey's Anatomy that triggered me. I shouldn't have drank as much as I did. All of this? I realized last night...still drunk...crying on the couch as my friend Beverly tried to calm me down. 

I thank God that Beverly was with me and knows every detail that's going on and knew exactly how to take care of me. It's also funny that last night, I had a Christian rap lyric running through my brain after we got back from the bar. I don't even know why either, I hadn't listened to that song since yesterday morning. For whatever reason though, I just kept repeating in my head "I"m a F-A-N-A-T-I-C, I rep Christ til I D-I-E. I'm not extreme, I'm redeemed with faith to serve a God who's extremely great." Maybe it was God's way of reminding me that even if you fall really far away, He's still there to catch you and love you. I think I needed to realize that in the midst of my bad decisions I was still redeemed with faith and that my God is huge and wonderful. 

Going forward...I'm going to keep falling on my face and crying out to Jesus. I'm not going to say it will never happen again, but I pray it won't. I want to seek God and love Jesus. 

On Friday, Beverly and I went to the Lecrae concert. Everything was working against us and it was weird because I just kept thinking "Satan doesn't want us at this concert, he really doesn't". I told Latia that I felt like God was going to move in a huge way and that's why Satan didn't want us there. At the concert, Lecrae sang an old 116 Clique song, that I hadn't heard in YEARS. That's the lyric that kept rolling through my head last night. After the concert I told Beverly, this is going to sound weird, but I like when I feel Satan coming after me. I had to clarify that I didn't like Satan, but that when Satan is coming after you then you know you're close to the Spirit and Satan is fighting for your soul. My dad has told me all kinds of things in life that are important but there is one specific thing that I firmly believe is the greatest thing he has taught me. My dad told me when I was a teen that the closer you get to God, the stronger you get in your walk, the more you fall in love with God, the harder that Satan will fight to get you. I know this is true. I know that Satan is FIGHTING for my soul and man does he want me to fail. I've been pouring the word into me lately. I've only listened to Christian music for the past month, my heart has been pouring out God, I've been witnessing to people, I've been praising God daily...and SATAN IS MAD. I'm not perfect, I'm just trying to walk in the light and Satan is trying to really mess that up.  You know what, though? I'm glad, because I'm on the right path then. 

I think when I told Latia that God was going to move, I expected God to move for someone else. I expected God to move for Beverly, or strangers, I didn't expect him to move for me. I find it no accident that a Lecrae lyric was comforting me last night. A lyric I heard Friday night. The night I said God would move. Want to know something? When you ask God to move...HE DOES IT. God's still moving in me and even though I fell down, it's okay. 

Even if I fall, I'll rise again, for you are my God

Even if I fall, you lift me up 

Hold Me

I've thought a lot about doing a weekly blog post on specific topics. I have a friend that does Single Lady Wednesday, another that does Wordless Wednesday and I've kind of been wanting to have a little blog feature myself. Today, in light of certain events, I will present you with featurette #1 Word Wednesday, where I give you a specific taste of God's word working in my life. 

Today I was an 11 on the stress scale. I could chalk it up to lack of a vacation, an over abundance of financial woes or it being my personal shark week, but let's go with it all being petty worries and not letting God own me like He should. I know when I'm stressed because the f-word just flows from my mouth like carbon dioxide. It's ugly and awful and I don't want to be that girl but it's a real thing for me. After being pushed and pulled into meeting after meeting and having a client come up to me covered in blood, I was just about ready to throw in the towel when I get two stressful voicemails from the bank. 

As an adult, when you see the bank has called, it's rarely a good thing. I'll be perfectly honest here, I'm four months behind on my car payment *cue scoldings*. When I separated from my husband I became financially strapped, paying half the rent, all the utilities, my car insurance...something had to give. Should I have chosen my car payment? Probably not, but in the past I've been a week or two late and they never blinked an eye, so I felt safe. I was a month late, paid a month, late again and it just kept building. Here we are on August 1st and I haven't paid April, May, June or July. I'm very aware of this. I've been saving back here and there, working overtime like a dog and this Friday I had planned to at least pay a month or two off. I called the bank back, explained my situation and they were extremely gracious and agreed not to repossess my car, but I have to have it paid by September. 

This would be the point in my day where I turned to my coworker (before my 3rd meeting of the day) and said "It's a good thing I have so much hair, because I'm going to start pulling it out." I wanted to cry and give up, unfortunately that's a very ridiculous thing to do in a clinical staffing so I held it together. When I left for the day I went to check my PO box...and found God there. 

I've been waiting on a replacement check from my last employment for over 8 months. They have mailed it to me 6 times but I never got it...until today. It just goes to show you, when you're at your wits end and think you're screwed, money comes in the mail. This check, combined with some cash a coworker owed me and paid me today...allow me to catch up on 3 out of 4 months. Alright, God, I see you. 

After checking my mail I got in the car and Jamie Grace's song "Hold Me" was on the radio. It could not have been a more perfect testimony for that moment. 

Here are the lyrics that really struck me: 

Well You took my day and You flipped it around
Calmed the tidal wave and put my feet on the ground
Forever in my heart, always on my mind
It’s crazy how I think about You all of the time
And just when I think I’m ’bout to figure You out (figure You out)
You make me wanna sing and shout

Oh and today's resonating word from God??

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."-Philippians 4:6

I Wouldn't Take Nothing for My Journey

Do you know who Bill Gaither is? When I was a little girl I basically lived with my grandparents. They lived just next door and my brother spent a lot of time in the hospital, and since 5 year olds don't find hospitals too thrilling, I hung out with Mamaw and Papaw. 

If you walk into my grandparents' house today there will be one of three things on the television; Cubs games, the History Channel, or a Gaither DVD. 

Bill Gaither is the pioneer of southern gospel, hymn writing, and a catalyst of camp meetings everywhere. My grandma is the epitome of southern gospel. My great grandpa and great grandma were from Kentucky and they preached in the Nazarene church their entire lives. They had 5 children and all of them grew up in the Nazarene church, two became Nazarene pastors and bred more Nazarene pastors. My family reunion last month was like a southern gospel camp meeting, and man was it awesome. I cried a lot that day, especially when my 80 year old grandma got up with her siblings to sing "Blessed Assurance". My great uncle Jay's wife got up to talk about God's redeeming love and that is something I have thought about a lot this week. 

Yesterday I had a conversation with two coworkers, one is a brand new Christian who revealed she doesn't even have a Bible yet and another has been on countless mission trips and grew up in the church. We sat and talked about redeeming love and it was so amazing. We stressed one important thing, "God is good, people are not. Do not get the two confused." We had just read an intake for a client at work and all three of us sat crying in the office as we read about the horrible abuse this child had suffered. How can you believe in a God that lets things like that happen? We said it's no wonder a lot of the kids we work with don't believe in God. The three of us just sat and talked about how amazing it is that we do, and how it's such a gift to have God's redeeming love. 

I sometimes get down on myself. I'm 24, I'm single, I live alone, I've made some bad decisions and if I focus on all of this it's not hard to be sad. I am focusing on myself right now and all that it entails, a relationship with God, a love for myself, and doing what I was called to do. I refuse to sacrifice anything for relationships again. It's easy to sit and pity yourself but you really need to sit and think sometimes. I got where I am by not listening to God for 3 years, and guess what? When I started listening, my life got infinitely better. God never abandoned me, I just stopped listening. I can literally pinpoint when God started shifting inside me again. That's when I started at the academy, when I met people that lifted me up instead of pushing me down. 

Back to my first point though...Bill Gaither...is what I've been listening to a lot lately. Good ol' homecoming gospel music with great old names like Vestal Goodman, Sue Dodge, Jake Hess and more. It reminds me of my grandparents, of my great grandma who could out pray anyone. I've made some decisions in my life. They make me giggle, but they're important, they're values I have now that I didn't realize before. 

I don't know what God has in store for me but if it's marriage and a family then that's great, if not, that's great too. I'm not going to worry about who God has, but I have different standards than I did 6 months ago. I want the most beautiful part of me to be my heart. If someone falls in love with me, I want it to be because every word that comes out of my mouth is God inspired and every act I do is God driven. I want a Southern gentleman, whose heart yearns for God first and me second. I want someone that grew up on the Gaither's and has a heart built by southern gospel, sweet tea and camp meetings. I can't wait to get to heaven and have everyday be like a camp meeting and actually get to sit back and sing with Vestal Goodman. That thought alone makes me well up a bit. What an amazing gift. 

What's making me smile today? This thought: 

How can you not smile when you know there's an entire book written about God's love for you?

Stagnation

This is one of those posts that I don't want to write but I know that I need to. Writing it means admitting it, and unfortunately I don't like looking weak. The truth of this post is that I'm feeling pretty stagnant lately. The crazy, passionate, love I have for God doesn't feel as fresh and strong as it did last week. 

I've been tempted lately and somehow managed to say no, even though I haven't been submerged in the word like I know I should be. I don't want to use excuses but I do know that I worked way too much last week. 

I've figured out that work is my crutch and I'll completely 100% overwork myself into the ground to avoid dealing with anything I don't want to. If I'm constantly exhausted and busy working then there's no real temptations to avoid. Also, my biggest support network right now are all of my coworkers. Last week I worked 3 doubles in a row. I will NEVER do that again. By Saturday night at 10pm I was mentally and physically exhausted and fighting off a cold. It didn't work, because here it is Monday and it's 95 degrees outside and I'm shivering with chapped lips and a snotty nose. Sooooo attractive. 

I don't really know what else to say or do. I think there's just so much stress in my life right now that it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Guess I need to take my own advice and "Pray like cray everyday".

Peaceful

Today is my 11th day. Today was also my second counseling session. May I first begin with this statement?

God is awesome. 

I work in the social work field, which means that our corporation pays a company to give us free counseling. I get three free sessions just because of where I work, the only catch is I have to go to whatever counselor is in the network. In Champaign, which is 25 miles from my house, there are a few counselors. I just picked a random one, well the lady on the referral line picked her, I simply agreed. You know why God is awesome? She's the perfect counselor for me. There are NO accidents in life. 

I had my first session last week and I just can't explain how completely safe I felt. She's this old Chinese lady who is all about natural healing. Um...yes! If you're not close to me or don't know a lot about me you might not understand why this is important. I am extremely adamant about not taking meds of any kind. I mean, literally the only drug I put into my body is caffeine (which I would like to slowly cut out). I don't take ibuprofen for a headache, I drink water. I don't take Midol for cramps, I do yoga and deep breathing. My counselor, Ann, is all about listening to your body and your mind and incorporating all of these things together to heal yourself. 

Today we did a brain exercise that literally blew me away. I walked out of her office literally feeling like I was floating. I had to text Abbyblujay just to tell her about the floating because I just felt so good. When I got to the office the first thing I had to do was take off my shoes. Fun fact: I love being barefoot, so I was instantly excited. Ann had me write a sentence on a notepad, any sentence, about anything. I wrote "I'm excited to have the day off and have a day for myself". Then I stood on a balance board, facing the wall, doing some twisting motions. Ann told me that this would be like a "brain massage". After I did the twists, I had to throw a beanbag in the air and catch it, while watching it 10 times to the left, center and right. Then I turned on the board so I was standing with the rockers so I rocked forwards and backwards instead of left to right. I did the twisting and the beanbag exercise again. Ann had me step off the board and walk around, first of all, I had supermodel posture which was amazing, second of all, I felt weird...in a good way. Ann handed me a folded up piece of paper and had me write another sentence. I wrote "I'm feeling good about today, very optimistic". She unfolded the paper and it had my first sentence at the top. Now, while the content of the sentences hadn't changed much, my penmanship had and the amount of pressure I had written with. My second sentence was visibly lighter than the first and the spacing indicated peacefulness. 

In my session Ann had me think of a positive memory, and I chose being at the beach yesterday. We focused on that and I did breathing exercises and eye exercises as we talked. Something that was really neat is she moved her hand in a few different ways and had me choose which one was most appealing to me. I chose the figure 8 motion and we incorporated that into my breathing and movement. As I talked I began to trace figure 8's on my leg with my finger and move my hands, almost hypnotically in a figure 8. She had me remember something mildly upsetting and had me be hyper aware of my body. I noticed myself tense up and clench my fingers. We did that a few times, retraining my brain to react differently. The word I focused on was "peaceful". 

I told her that my whole life people have told me how strong I am. Even now, the friends that do know what I'm going through, "Sarah, you are the strongest woman I know." I've always prided myself on being so strong and tough. I told Ann how it was really neat that the word I chose to focus on was "peaceful" because it shows how my priorities have changed in the past 11 days. I don't find strength in being strong,  I just want to be peaceful. When I'm strong, I don't feel, I hold it in, I suppress. I want to be peaceful. I want to know I have struggles, I have demons, I have bad memories, I have ugliness, but I'm at peace with it. I want to feel this way. 

I had it in my head that I might relapse this week. It's not going to happen. Want to know why? I love this feeling so much that I don't want to ever feel the guilt, anxiety and ugliness that comes along with relapse. I want to float. I love counting up. 11 days. 11 days of healing, beauty, and God's glory reigning inside me. I pray that if you don't know God, you search for him. There is something so divine when he takes over your heart. He changes you, forms you so perfectly that you feel strength in his strength.

There's a saying "If you want to know where heart is, look to where your mind goes when it wanders". That saying used to disgust me, because I knew where my mind went. It made me feel awful to think that's what my heart was made of. Let me just tell you, my mind has been wandering straight to the throne lately and that makes me happier than anything. I love the God words that come from my mouth. I ask that you keep praying for me, here are some specific prayers you can pray for me. 

1) Pray that God's words fill my heart and mouth

2) Pray that in my weakness I would turn to the Savior 

3) Pray that my heart breaks and fills for God 

4) Pray that His will be mine

5) Pray that I hear Him everyday 

"Her mouth speaks from that which fills her heart" 

-Luke 6:45

Washed by the Water

Today is my 6th day. It is my 6th day of recovery. It is my 6th day of a new chapter in my life. It is a really interesting feeling, I must say. On the 4th of July, due to events suffered in the days before, I made a choice. I made a re-commitment to God, to my own emotional health, to my physical health, and to saving my own life. 

Basically, in the last week I have realized through some of the weirdest, scariest, God moved series of events that I have terrible coping skills. Now, some of these coping skills are completely by choice, others are clearly influenced by things I didn't understand until now. After suffering what I can only sum up as a nervous breakdown, I've begun taking the steps towards recovery and redemption. 

The worst night for me was Wednesday night. My friend Latia came and stayed the night with me because I was freaking out. She left for work at 6:30 in the morning and by 6:55 she had Hey Telled me a message. 

"I want you to listen to Let It Out by Chris and Conrad, Water by Britt Nicole and Freefall by Royal Tailor...okay? I love you, bye!"

Thursday morning when I woke up I was wandering. I didn't know what to do or where to start or how to handle anything. My first step was going to my computer, getting on Spotify and creating a playlist called "Healing", starting with those three songs. Let me just say this, on Thursday, I think I listened to "Let It Out" no less than 25 times. I just cried and cried and listened to the lyrics. If you don't know me by now, I don't cry. I am not a crier. I might cry if I am extremely angry but I'm not an emotional crier. I just suck it up and move on. Hence...why I am where I am now. 

Probably the best advice I've gotten since this whole revelation thing happened, is from my friend Abbyblujay. She pointed out that my defense mechanism is sarcasm. She was quick to tell me and warn me that I can't just say "Oh well, I'm broken now" and not feel it. I HAVE to feel this. Can I just say, I think I've felt more in the past 6 days than I have in my entire life? 

I'm journaling again, reading again, listening to Christian music like it's oxygen and I'm just reliving my life and taking new steps. It's weird how on Sunday I had said it's half-year and that we should be 50% done with our New Year's resolutions...well...now I'm working on resolutions I didn't even know I had. 

God is real. If you don't believe in Him, that's fine, but just know that He believe in you and He might show up when you least expect it. 

I got a text on Thursday from my friend Beth, who said she just felt the need to check on me. Well...that's no accident, that's God. 

When Beth and I were talking I told her that since this whole memory came out I've decided that I've been carrying an egg. I told her that it feels like I've been carrying around a raw egg for my entire life. I've bumped into things, I've heard things, I've seen things and felt things that little by little have put tiny cracks into the egg, or chipped away little parts of the egg. I feel like now, the egg has been smashed open and yolk is everywhere. 

Beth just stared at me (understandably so, I'd just made an egg analogy). She then says this...

"Sarah, last night I had a dream. I was having a 'normal' dream and then suddenly I was sitting, holding an egg. I was using a tiny scalpel, or tool, to peel away the layers of this egg. I kept spinning it in my hand, thinking 'this has to be more than an egg...is this really just an egg??' and I kept peeling it away...then I woke up"

A few moments of stunned silence passed, as I just soaked up this God moment, and Beth says "Clearly, I'm supposed to be here today". 

Thursday kept on like that, Friday I went back to work and with every step I took, I got a little stronger. We were going to have a girl's dinner but a few weren't feeling well (I'll blame the 105 degree weather) and a few were out of town. I decided that I would drive to Champaign by myself and do some errand running. I also wanted to prove a point myself...that I could be alone, in an area that was hard for me, and get through it on God strength...and I did. 

Friday night I bought some new shirts, a book by Joyce Meyer called "Beauty for Ashes", and a lava lamp (because at 24 I'm too darn old for a night light). 

Saturday, I went to work and when I got home I took a 4 hour nap with no nightmares. It was awesome. Saturday night I hung out with coworkers, in another situation that could have been very difficult for me, but I did it and I can't explain how stinking proud of myself I was. I didn't do it alone though :-) God strength. 

Sunday I slept in a lot, I know the body can't catch up on sleep but it felt like I was. My friend Beverly came over and we hung out, talked, listened to music and looked at some of my old artwork. Man...when we looked at that artwork...it was screaming all the things I'd kept inside for years and years. It's amazing what your subconscious will do for you. We went grocery shopping and I helped her pick a recipe to cook for her boyfriend for dinner and then we just enjoyed what God has done for us. Beverly and I were not close until about a month ago. This is no accident. When I met Latia, I was going through the beginnings of a divorce and Latia was my unofficial life mentor, having understood it all and gone through it. God put Latia in my life. Beverly?? She's my mentor for this chapter. God put her in my life. She's gone through it all, our stories are so similar that I wonder if God had us planned for each other all along. As we were driving to the grocery store, we both reached up and in perfect sync, in the exact same way we put down our sun visors. We just died laughing because it was hilarious. 

I'm on day 6. For 6 days I've been listening to my heart, listening to God and healing. I've never understood why addicts get so excited over their 30 day medallion...until now. When you're struggling with something and it has taken over your life, when it becomes the dark cloud covering every aspect of you and you finally decide to take control and come out from it...you're proud. I'm not so proud to say I did it alone. I have a God and a support system that are much stronger than I am and I could not be more thankful. 

 When I was 18, I heard the voice of God. It wasn't an audible voice, but I knew it wasn't my own thought. I knew God was going to call me to a place where I would need his strength to carry me through. I knew God was going to call me to a career that challenged me daily. I got a tattoo on my right wrist of 3 stars and "Php. 4:13". I wanted it on the hand I reached with so I would be constantly reminded that God is with me and I can do it all through his strength. 

As I was driving to Champaign on Friday I was scared. I knew I was willingly putting myself in a situation that could cause me to fail miserably. I had the radio on WBGL and a song played that I've never heard.

Strong Enough

You can't tell me those lyrics were an accident for me to hear. It was another moment of "Alright God, I'm listening". 

I hate this chapter of my life, but man do I love it. I get to be born again. I get to restart my life at 24 :-)

"You have to crawl into the wounds to discover what your fears are. Once the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin."

-Tori Amos

Steady My Heart

Right now. I am a mess. I am teetering on the edge of sanity, healing, life and so much more. I can't explain it, or rather, I'm not willing to right now. There is a small circle of those in my life who I trust and who know literally everything that I know now. They are comforting me, to the best of their ability. Someday, maybe in 6 months, a year, two years, who knows how long, I'll be to a point where I can share my story and help someone else. 

I know I'm not the only person in the world with these feelings but right now I feel like it. I think this blog post has come off extremely cryptic. I'm not dying, at least, not of a medical illness or anything. I'm not okay, but I think in time I might be, I just have trouble seeing that point right now. 

Right now? I feel disgusting. I feel ugly. I feel broken, betrayed, miserable, conflicted, you name it, I've felt it and cried about it this week. I officially hate the month of July. 

What can you do for me? You can pray for me. Encourage me lots and expect little back. Check in on me, I'll feel offended for now but one day I'll look back and appreciate it.

Zero Blogger Points Earned

Wow. I think I was a big bag of fail for the past month. I did not blog a single bit. It's not that I didn't think about it, I did. I just had no free time to collect my thoughts. Brief synopsis of the past month?

1) I packed up my entire house.

2) I found a new rental house in a cute little town

3) I moved to the new house with the help of only 1 person for the majority of Memorial Day

4) I unpacked my house and deep cleaned my old house (a 5 hour process of cleaning)

5) I became the happiest I've been in a really long time

It's hard to explain really, but I'm going to try. I have a very dear friend at work and unfortunately we don't get to work a lot of shifts together and our schedules clash a lot so it's been hard to catch up. Last night I took an overtime shift and we walked out together after work and it was so nice out that we decided to sit in the parking lot and talk. It should be noted that we work on a campus of teenage boys, some of which are sex offenders, and we could not stop laughing at how creepy WE looked at that moment. We were sitting on the curb in the parking lot, in between her car and mine, in the dark...talking. We scared the crap out of one of our friends because we "Psssst'd" at him when he walked out. Yeah, we were CREEPIN'.

We were sitting, catching up and updating each other and I told her how happy I am lately. She said that she noticed and she was wondering what it specifically was. I told her that I'm really proud of myself. I'm not being cocky, I'm just proud of what I've accomplished in the past 6 years or so. I've done it all pretty much by myself. I've had little bits of help here and there but for the most part the financial burden, responsibility and plan has fallen on me. I'm 24 years old. I planned, budgeted and successfully paid for my entire wedding almost completely on my own, save for $300 towards my wedding dress from my family. I have survived graduating high school, getting two degrees, the death of a parent, a toxic relationship, a marriage, moving out of a house and in 3 weeks I can add grad school and a divorce to that list.

Am I necessarily proud of everything on that list? Hell no. I could just remove toxic relationship and divorce from there. Surviving the death of a parent is definitely the worst one on there though...that one nearly killed me. I'm stronger though. I've learned so much about myself as a person. I really understand myself, my strengths, my weaknesses. I feel gorgeous. I love myself in a healthy way. I am ridiculously tough. I am smart. I am resilient. I just feel like I'm really becoming and blossoming into who I am. I don't know if I'll ever get married again. I'm not saying that in a "woe is me" type of fashion, I'm just stating that I'm so happy right now that it's going to take a lot of push from God to get me in a different direction. I just think I've realized now that I don't NEED a man and that I got married to make my life easier (or so I thought) and now I've realized that I do just fine on my own. I'm not anti-marriage, anti-relationships or anti-love. I love love stories and fairytales. I just realized something very, very important about myself. For me personally it is extremely important to be able to do everything on your own. I need to be happy on my own, survive on my own, thrive on my own, that way when I find a guy I know he's adding the RIGHT things to my life.

In completely unrelated news, I want another tattoo. I haven't even finished my sleeve yet but I already have plans for the next one. It's going to be a simple quote, either on the inside of my arm, forearm, or the nape of my neck. I can't reveal it yet though :)

Being Okay

In all that's happened in the past few months I've come to one very solid conclusion "I'm going to be okay". 

I think that is something really important to remind myself of daily because sometimes my drama queen, panic attack, anxiety filled self likes to take over and have irrational thoughts like "You're going to be homeless!!!!" (that happened last week).

God has answered so many prayers for me lately. Last Friday I found a rental house that is in my budget, in my geographical radius, and most importantly...allows cats. I was approved as the renter and my current landlord is releasing me from my lease and I get to move June 1. In related news, a coworker already volunteered to help me move and use her truck. God is so good to me. 

My new house is adorable. It's a carriage house/cottage that is located in a quaint little town half a block away from a park. Let me be VERY clear when I state that if you can't find me it's because I'm on the swings...in the park...like a child. This is a very real coping skill for me. You know what else is a coping skill for me? Making this: 

Those are pipe cleaners...that I braided...into a bracelet...while sitting on the floor in my office...after I got kicked in the pelvis. Yep. That happened today. Tomorrow is my 7 month anniversary at my job and today was the first time that a client purposely tried to hurt me. Today was the first day I ever questioned my ability to do my job. I've always felt educationally qualified. I've always felt spiritually qualified, but today? Today if it was not for the simple fact that I know God put me in this job I might have up and quit. Have you ever seen someone kick in a door? Well...imagine that happening to your pelvic bone. I almost blacked out. Luckily God invented adrenaline and I was fine for the first few hours. I found myself sitting in a case conference 2 hours laters wanting to unbutton my pants and simultaneously puke. My supervisor and coworkers all made the call "you're going to the doctor...now" and so I went...from work to the local clinic to the pharmacy to the hospital. 1 cup of pee, 2 prescriptions, 1 shot in the butt, 1 Dr's restriction, 1 ultrasound and 3 hours later we know these three things: 1) nothing is broken 2)nothing is permanently damaged 3)everything is bruised 

I'm in bed now, half drugged on some wicked pain meds and in sweatpants because I literally cannot button any of my pants due to the swelling. 

The kid in question? He's been detained for at least three weeks. I was the last straw in a week long cluster of rule breaking. The amazing thing? I still love my job. I still love my boys (one of them held me from being shoved down the stairs). I absolutely love my coworkers. I love my boss. I love my company. 

I'm so unbelievably blessed in every aspect of life. God totally had my back today and I have to think this was all part of some plan of his.

Brief Thoughts On Living

When I started this blog my goal was to find a place for my soul to live. It may sound odd, but I find the act of writing so cathartic that I just can't ever give it up. I've had many a blog in my day. I think I first started with the staple of Jr. High...the xanga. It makes me laugh now but it was important to me. It has become the vehicle through which I soul search and begin to understand just who I really am. Today, I bring to you, a hodgepodge of thoughts. 

1) If a woman wants to be loved by the right man, then that woman should exemplify confidence, control and strength. A man whose goal is to take advantage, control or exploit will only be attracted to a weak woman with flimsy morals. He will have a natural knack at seeking out the perfect prey for his control. If you find yourself in a relationship where a man is unhappy at your happiness...congratulations, you're strong, beautiful and important and he will never take that from you once you realize your own potential. If you become, on your own, the woman that God intended you to be then you'll be paired with the most amazing man who will find all those qualities beautiful and admirable. His love for you will be unfathomable. 

2) I'm going to talk about Jesus to everyone I know. I'm going to tell people I barely know what God is doing in my life. It's really fun, because either they run away or they draw you in. Either way, it helps you figure out exactly who you should be spending your time with. I did this on Tuesday, with two people I barely know. It was really fun. I showed my heart to strangers. 

3) I got the greatest compliment I have ever received in my life this week. I had just explained my tattoos to a curious person. I talked about the immense love I had for my mom, and she for me. I talked about my motto that "life is sweet" and the purpose of my candy sleeve. I talked about my love for nature and taking the road not taken. That person looked at me, looked into my soul, looked at me like I was totally and completely beautiful and sighed "You are everything that I want to be". I laughed and blushed, but it made me feel so loved.

4) I feel like right now, at this very moment in life, I am somehow the weakest and strongest I have ever been. I feel weak from all of the junk that is holding me down. I'm tired of school. I'm tired of explaining to people what happened with my marriage. I'm exhausted but I'm so strong. Every time I start to give up or withdraw, God throws a giant curveball of awesome at me (my amazing friend Latia that I met my first day of work, Peter Cetera, Second Chance Church, my friend Beth from school, etc.). 

5) This is neither enlightening nor profound. Yesterday at work I played Just Dance 3 with my boys at work. I have never laughed so hard at work. It was so fun to just see pure joy and silliness on those boys' faces. Also, they were super mad at me for kicking their butt at Party Rock Anthem. What can I say? Everyday I'm shufflin' 

You Float Like a Feather

It's possible I've listened to the same song 7 times in a row. And by possible, I mean it happened and is continuing to happen, that number might as well be 7.5 or eleventeen. I can't stop. 

Let's talk about today though. I went into work at the crack of dawn. I ninja'd into my office. NO ONE knew I was there *mission accomplished* I was there for two hours before anyone found me and that person only found me because he's my boss and has a key and it's acceptable for him to find me. I got home from work at 2:30, it was amazing. Then something happened. Let's call it THE FEELING. This is the feeling that has been my life for the past few weeks...er...months. 

The feeling is that there is just too much, I'm just too tired, I can't do it, so instead...I'll take a nap. That's what happened from 3:30 pm until 8:30 pm. Ladies and gentlemen, that's not a nap, it's called going to bed and having a morning at nighttime. It doesn't make ANY MORE SENSE. I have been doing this for weeks. It is crazy. I will take a "nap" and then wake up, have a cup of coffee and do some homework...JUST LIKE MORNING. 

"I know you can be overwhelmed and underwhelmed, but can you ever just be...whelmed?"

When I sit back and think about my life right now, the feeling strikes me. A friend asked me today how I'm doing and I said that I sit in a constant state of being overwhelmed by life. I have approximately 10 weeks left of classes. I just found out I have to take a test this summer before starting my internship (thank-you-ridiculous-Illinois-laws-that-we-just-find-out-about-but-have-to-deal-with). I live in a house half filled with broken crap...this is not a joke (two broken couches, broken refrigerator, mattress on the floor in the master bedroom). I work full time and then some at a job that isn't exactly relaxing (but I still love it). Oh...and I'm going through a divorce, trying to somehow pay for everything that I paid for on dual incomes ALL BY MY FREAKING SELF. 

You know what though? I'm going to do it. Why? I'm too stubborn to give up. I wanted to sit and throw a pity party today. Instead, I listened to this song on loop and embraced my creep-ness and decided I am f***ing special. 

Jesus + Peter Cetera

I'd like to introduce you to my Jesus. You may be familiar with the idea of Jesus, have a vague description of who you think Jesus is, but I'd like to take this opportunity to tell you about the Jesus I'm friends with.

Jesus, as I understand him, is quite hilarious. He is kind, gentle, loving, but most of all...he's just plain funny. I picture Jesus kind of like a hippie/rocker. The Jesus I get on board with wears Chuck Taylor's, skinny jeans and plaid shirts. I think he has a tattoo. I also think that he has a giant hipster beard and long hair. I also picture Jesus as looking mostly Middle Eastern with green eyes. I have no idea why this is my idea of Jesus, I just know that when I talk to Jesus in my head I picture him like that.

Today, I talked to Jesus on my way to church. I was telling him about where I am in my life (like he doesn't know). I was telling him how I'm really lonely and in need of a family. I told him I wanted community like I had when I was in college or when I worked in Michigan. I told him I needed to be surrounded by people who I could just turn to and be like "DUUUUUDE. Jesus did the craziest thing today. I SAW GOD. I mean...I SAW HIM. This crazy amazing thing happened and I NEED to tell you" and then those people are like "YES! YES! Let me tell YOU about this crazy God thing!" and then they tell you something even more amazing. I just want this community that constantly one-ups each other for Jesus, but not in the crazy Penelope on SNL way, in the "Holy cow, my God is huge!" way.

I've been struggling to find community. I haven't found a home church. In fact...I haven't regularly attended a church since I was a sophomore in college (4 years ago). I talk to God a lot. I listen to Christian music. I write to God. I just haven't found a community in Him. I struggle with religion a lot, not Jesus, just religion. I hate most churches. I find myself loathing "Christians". I find churches I like but they just don't fit me. They might not have enough young people, or tattooed people or they might sing songs that I don't connect with. I'm not the typical brand of Christian, so I'm looking for a very specific church. I have yet to find a church near me that just loves people...until today.

As I prayed to God this morning, I asked for a sign. I asked God to speak to me in a way that I would understand and in a way that would comfort me. I've never heard the voice of God. I only know he's speaking to me because I think things and feel things that are not of myself. If I am overwhelmed with a peace or a thought then I know it's God. A few months ago I went to a Christian concert with a friend. I was in a place in my life where I needed God to reaffirm me. I needed him to tell me "Sarah, you're doing the right thing. You're who I made you to be and you're okay". At the concert, the band Hawk Nelson was there. I LOVED Hawk Nelson in high school and so I paid attention when they got on stage. They sang a song called "Crazy Love" that totally got my attention because 4 years ago when I was most in tune with God's Will and who God wanted me to be, I read the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan and it shook me to my core. When they sang that song I knew it was God talking to me. I stood in the arena and I prayed "God, show me I'm doing the right thing". Then...they started playing Don't Stop Believin' as in...Journey anthem...Don't Stop Believin'. It was at that moment that I had a thought that was like "Sarah, don't stop believin' in yourself, in God, in the power of his almighty hand. You're okay. You can do this".  Yes...my Jesus, spoke to me through classic rock.

Let me bring you back to today. I'm driving. I'm going to church. I'm meeting my dear friend Abby. Let me tell you about Abby and I. At some point in college Abby and I became tied together by an amazing bond of friendship. At some point, we also became obsessed with the Peter Cetera song "You're the Inspiration". I don't actually remember how, or when, or why, but it was pinnacle. That song represents our friendship and just an all out zest for life and belting out classic rock to an epic proportion. Today, we're in church. The sermon is awesome. The first worship song was "Marvelous Light" which I used to sing all the time in Michigan. This was the first "Hey Sarah, God here, are you paying attention? Because I sent this song to your heart today to remind you of the community you once had and you're now looking for". The song ends, the sermon ends, more worship begins and at some point this amazing drum break happens that just captures me. The guitarist starts playing some familiar chords and I side eye Abby. Um...no...not possible. As the worship leader sings the opening line I am suddenly aware that we are singing "You're the Inspiration" in church. Helllllooooooo Jesus in the house!

I'm NOT EVEN KIDDING when I say I start dying laughing. Why? Because Jesus made me laugh. He was like "hmm what song will really get her attention and be a really hilarious, awesome sign that she's right where I want her...let's go with Peter Cetera, the answer is always PETER CETERA". Of all the songs! Of all the millions of songs in the world we sing the ONE SONG that characterizes Abby and my friendship and guarantees to make me laugh no matter what. As I am belting out that Jesus is my inspiration I am wholly and completely consumed by the most peaceful feeling that I have felt in months. Jesus might as well have been standing in front of me, holding my hands and saying "SARAH GRACE!!!! THIS IS FOR YOU!".

So...needless to say, I'll be going back to that church next Sunday, because Jesus and Peter Cetera told me to.

Many the Miles

Have you ever met a person that just plain steals your heart? I mean, the kind of person that they enter a room and everything about them just makes you want to listen to everything they say, write it down, commit it to memory and live it out everyday. I met this person today. Her name is Amber and she is who I want to be in 16 years. 

Amber was the guest speaker in my Lifestyles and Career Development class tonight and she captured the room. I'm the first person to admit that when a guest speaker comes up they have exactly 2 minutes to capture me, if I don't buy into you in those 120 seconds I'm pulling out my notebook and I'm making to-do lists and doodling. I had my notebook on standby, I was haphazardly eating my El Burrito chips and salsa, then Amber started speaking and I literally forgot where I was and all I could do was tune in. 

Our guest speakers in L&C Dev class mostly just talk about their lives, their career choices, career failures, and give out unsolicited advice.  Amber said exactly what she should have and then some. Amber works for the same corporation I do, but at a different facility, in a different capacity and she's MUCH higher up. It would be really easy to be intimidated by her success, but she chalks everything...EVERYTHING up to God. She is unabashedly passionate about life in general. I can't even put into words how she owned that room. In the hour that she spoke I learned that nothing shakes her. She is incredibly strong. She has overcome living in poverty, the death of a parent, the birth of children and building a career. She is superwoman. The best part? She didn't make it look easy. She shared her struggles and most of all shared where she gets her power...God and her husband. 

Another thing I'm quick to admit is that I don't know if I believe in true love. I recognize that I am very cynical right now given my circumstances, but I've never really bought into the whole love fairytale. It's funny to so easily admit now that I fell in love with the idea of love rather than actually falling in love, but Amber...that woman is IN LOVE. I'm pretty hardhearted at times. I'm not a crier. It's really hard for me to cry, it didn't used to be, but I literally think I cried myself out when my mom died. I'm much more likely to be an angry crier than a sad/happy/emotional crier. Tonight...Amber brought tears to my eyes. Why? How? Is that even possible? Yes...because the way that woman talked about her husband is the way I want to talk about my significant other and the way I want them to talk about me. Her husband wasn't in the room. He'll probably never hear the amazing things she said about him but it doesn't matter. Amber wasn't saying any of that to impress us or to suck up to him, she said in pure, romantic love and it was so amazing to see. 

Amber is powerful. She is funny. She is smart. She is driven. She openly admits her faults. She praises her own strengths. She is a flatout, plain and simple woman of God and it is awesome. 

It is by no small coincidence that Amber was the speaker tonight. I'd had a particularly trying day at work and after hearing Amber speak I just want to go hug all my kids and tell them I love them. Amber has such a passion for our field and it's amazing. It's the same passion I have and I just like to be reminded sometimes that I'm not crazy for doing this work and that I'm not alone. She gets burnt out, she gets tired, she worries, but she never succumbs to it, she just throws it to God. She said something really cool tonight and I want to remember it forever. 

Her brother-in-law had asked her how she can do the job she does and not let it affect her, he asked if she thought it would take years off the back end of her life. She answered like this (I'm paraphrasing): 

In scripture, Jesus calls us to feed his sheep and take care of his sheep. Some people get to take care of the easy, healthy sheep in the barn but Amber's calling (and my calling) is to take care of the biting, kicking, difficult sheep in a different barn. 

Our jobs are not always easy. In fact, most days it's like running up the down escalator, however, it's worth it. When you put your life into the perspective of "if I'd been in 16 different placements by the age of 16 I'd probably want to punch and kick people too", it helps you understand the hurt these kids feel. My prayer today and everyday going forward is that I remember that and I use that as the core of my treatment work. I have the difficult sheep, but I might not always work in this barn, but as long as I do I know I'm fulfilling my calling and He'll carry me through.

The Kicking Screaming Kind

I feel like recently  my life has been the poster child for "when life throws you lemons..."  

I can't even describe how completely exhausted I am at this point. I just feel like recently absolutely nothing has gone the way I need it to or expected it to or how it should have based on the amount of work I put in. Right now I'm struggling to find one thing in my life that is going well. 

I have this amazing job. I love my job. I'm employed which is more than what some can say. However, this job is exhausting and paired with school I just don't feel like I'm giving the 100% I like to give. I'm spread too thin. 

Then there's school. I'm burnt out of school. I'm just done. I'm hanging on by tiny threads, praying and wishing to make it through to July. School in and of itself is a headache. The lab equipment isn't recording my sessions correctly. I can't get any of my tapes to play on my Mac, when I do convert them I have either no audio or no video. I'm behind on writing papers because I couldn't afford the book until last week. 

I really hate coming here to rant about my life, but I'm going to have to turn it around. I refuse to fail. I can't do it. I've put so much work and effort into my life that I just can't fail this close to the finish line. I'm going to kick and scream my way through these next 4 months until classes are done.

I am so tired of fighting for EVERYTHING. I'm trying to move out of my house into an apartment. I haven't found an apartment yet. I have no way to actually move anything. I have way too much stuff to fit into an apartment. I could so easily freak out right now. It would be so easy to just sit on my floor and cry because everything is too hard. I get mad at myself when I think that way because I know there are so many people in the world that have it worse than I do. I know that my problems are stereotypical #firstworldproblems and I need to just suck it up, but sometimes you get to be sad. You get to be upset that things aren't going your way, especially if you've done everything in your power to make them go. 

I went home this weekend. I shouldn't have. I couldn't afford to. My car is on the fritz. I went home though, and I ended up at my brother's church for the evening service. The sermon was wonderful and it hit me where I needed it. I recommitted and I'm ready to accept the sermon meaning that God loves Us, We Love God, God Loves Everyone and through this awesomeness we can make ridiculous change. 

Driving home I just kept thinking of a song I heard a lot in college thanks to the 5 song cycle of the Christian radio station. The lyrics say "I don't want to box you in, you been doing big things in the world again, sometimes I just don't understand that you're big enough." I need to stop boxing God in. I put God in boxes like: judging, scary, conditional and none of them are true. I need to stop fighting all on my own and lean on him, because I've already figured out that I'm definitely not strong enough on my own. 

Also at my brother's church, they played this song and I just absolutely love the meaning and her voice, perfection.

Cinnamon Toast

I've been neglecting my blog! Sad day. It's been a pretty crazy couple of weeks. I accepted and started my new position as Case Manager on March 10th, which was odd because I had the next day off for a friend's baby shower. It seemed humorous to me because I technically only worked one day in my position before taking time off.

The baby shower was nice. It was in my hometown and it was gorgeous outside, giving me the opportunity to drive the hour and a half home with my sunroof open and jamming to my music. I got to see my girlfriends from high school, including my friend Alana who was home from Arizona. 

Alana, Addi & Charlie, Myself, Anne, Alex

I also got to play with my bff Addi's son, Charlie, who will be 1 in April. We had a mini photo shoot using my iPhone and he really enjoyed seeing himself in the camera. My sole purpose in Charlie's life is to spoil him rotten with presents and to teach him bad things, that's what the cool aunt does. The current lesson we're working on is sticking our tongue out at people and opening our mouth really big to look like dinosaurs. He still needs a little more practice. 

My spare time recently has been few and far between. I did get the opportunity to spend last Wednesday in the Windy City with one of my besties but other than that I've been spending my time doing homework. For example, today I need to write two papers, finish up a ton of DART notes and a couple session evaluations. I'm currently eating cinnamon toast and drinking vanillla biscotti coffee...which is not exactly what I'm supposed to be doing right now. I plan on kicking on some Gotye and powering through in the next few minutes...or I might just procrastinate until Saturday/Sunday afternoon. 

The other day I had to make a Walmart run for some hygiene products and random stuff for my caseload. I purchased wave grease for the first time in my adult life. I'm pretty urban savvy, having spent time working with kids from Detroit, being a huge fan of rap music and having a lot of black friends...but I'm still pretty dang white and buying wave grease is hysterically funny to me. I texted my friend Chris to ask him a question about a CD and then informed him of the silly thing I was doing, his reply prompted my hysterical laughter...alone...in a Walmart aisle...

Basically, I love my job...and my coworkers...and my life right now. It's almost April. It's been an average of 70 degrees everyday for the past two weeks. I'm getting new freckles. I'm finishing up my grad classes (I'll be done with class in July and just have my internship left). I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and I couldn't be happier right now.