Dream Wars

On my list of top ten subjects to read about and become a master of, is included the topic of dreaming. I want to know everything there is about dreams. I want to know how to dream better, longer, faster, clearer. I want to control them. I want to understand how my brain picks pieces of my day to store in my subconscious, sewing them together to form dreams where I went grocery shopping with an old family friend to bake Christmas cookies as I have an apron tied around my pregnant belly. What is the point of a dream like that? Is it reminding me to call an old family friend? Is it God's way of telling me one day I'll be a mom? I like dreams. They're this rare glimpse into what your brain is doing when you're not aware of what it's doing. 

My fascination with the brain started extremely young. I didn't realize it before but now I know exactly how that little fascination started. I was five years old when my dad was working to build a corporate office building and a crane struck him in the head. His hardhat saved his life, but his 300+ stitches proved that his brain had not remained unscathed. My dad suffered seizures, his personality changed, he was different than before and even a five year old can understand. As a little kid I became fascinated with how the brain worked. Our family had a 15 pound Random House Dictionary that I would drag off the bookshelf to look up a word I'd overheard or read somewhere. I wanted to understand everything. 

As I've grown older I've kept this underlying theme. I want to understand everything. I want to know why my brain chooses to remember what it does. I'm 25 years old. I cannot remember a lot of my childhood. I'm not really sure why, but my childhood is blurry and the only memories I do have involve my brother too. I don't know if I actually remember them or if I've built them there with the retellings from family members throughout the years. The only real memories I have from childhood...are the facts and information that I have memorized. That, to me, is fascinating. I can recall with almost no issue whatever, ANYTHING, that I have ever learned. Movie quotes, song lyrics, birthdays, anniversaries, dates, facts, trivia...can be recalled with almost no issue. The recall issues come with actual experiences. I don't really remember my birthday parties as a child. I remember seeing pictures and being told what we did. I do however have every lyric to every song on the Flipper soundtrack still in my head because I got that CD at my birthday party in 5th grade. That's how my brain works.

I fight with my brain. I would love for it to recall what I did last weekend as easily as it recalls the lyrics to Everybody by Backstreet Boys. I'm getting better at it. That's what my dreams are though. My dreams are experiences and I get so paranoid that they're telling me crazy important things and I wake up to only remember the subtle details. I want to remember the lyrics. I want to remember the quotes. I want to remember the dates and times. I'm working with my brain on this. My brain is not adjusting as easily as I'd like...because I'm 25 now and not 5 and my brain is older and slower and training it is different. I'm doing it though, because dang it, I'm going to remember my dreams. I want to know what my brain's doing in there. I have a lot to accomplish and I'm going to need my brain in tiptop shape. 

Gather Your Thoughts

Tonight I was on the phone with my long distance boyfriend for the second time in nearly ten days. This is the "time apart" of our relationship, when he spends a few months 2000 miles away and we test the limits of communication. As his cell phone dips in and out of service, our schedules clash, time zones collide and general mayhem occurs, our relationship becomes a series of tiny conversations. 

His life and my life move at about 100 mph in opposite directions while the only thing holding us together is this tether on the heart line. I love this man with all my heart and that's why I fight for those tiny conversations. I was blessed this week with getting two extended phone calls giving me a chance to vent a bit. My poor boyfriend. He is seriously the best. He worked for hours yesterday and hours today just to get me to spill my guts. 

Here's the deal. I'm a generally happy person. I smile 97% of the day. I can laugh off most crappy situations. I have the ability to find the fun in almost any mundane task. I have personally witnessed my overly bubbly personality annoy other people. I'm THAT girl. I'm loud. I laugh a lot. I don't take things seriously. I say all that to say that when I lose those parts of me, when life gets heavy, when I start to slide...I don't talk about it. I shut up. I don't tell people when I need help. I don't tell people when I'm struggling. I take it all on my own and no one finds out unless they know me REALLY well and basically read my mind. 

My complaints are usually masked in sarcasm. I laugh at things that stress me out as I try to balance it all. When out of my mouth spills only sarcastic one liners and the only thing I ingest is coffee...those are the signs. That's when I'm losing control. I know this now and now you do too. I need someone to watch me. I need someone to be on top of my game when I'm doing my best to ignore it. The closest person I have to that is my boyfriend and that's only because he knows me better than I know myself some days. He can read into my tone and know exactly when I'm not okay and he'll flat out say "what's wrong?" even when I've technically done nothing to indicate there's a problem. 

Today I am facing the fact that I need to get myself in check. I have let things slide and now I'm reaping what I've sown. My attitude sucks. I'm depressed. I'm lonely. I would rather sit and complain about these things or make sarcastic comments to those around me than actually do something to fix it. I've been wallowing in my self appraised shortcomings in life and allowing myself to become my own worst enemy. I have been looking at my life as a badly dealt hand at cards and whether consciously or not, it has been causing my life to become exactly that. I haven't completely destroyed my life or anything, but I have definitely caused myself unnecessary heart damage in the past few weeks. 

I have to stop. I have to stop thinking I don't deserve to have a break. I have to stop thinking that I don't have time to do the things I need to keep my mind and heart healthy. I have to stop filling my head with so much negativity that all I do is produce negative energy and suck people into my stupid funk. It's time to get out of the funk and get back on track.

After what I can only assume was a very frustrating conversation for my boyfriend to have with me he told me to "gather my thoughts" and we'd talk more later. This was my opportunity to explain to him why for the past week I have been Negative Nancy and I sound completely unenthused. I'll admit that first I was irritated at him for telling me to do that. I have my thoughts gathered. I'm mad. I'm tired. I'm so tired that I'm mad about being tired and vice versa. I miss my boyfriend. I have very little social life. I'm depressed. I had all these thoughts gathered. Along with the thought that I wanted to keep holding onto that. That's what I said. I told him that I knew how to fix it and that I just didn't want to. It's so stupid how that happens. It's like some little demon inside me likes being mad and wants me to stay that way even when I don't want to at all. It's this battle within me and I fight it more often than I'd like to admit. I suppose the first step to overcoming something is identifying it. I have different thoughts gathered now. The original thoughts are still there, but now I have a plan for overcoming them, and I'm actually going to do it. 

I Gotta Go Home

Have you ever had that thought just hit you? "I gotta go home." The immediate feeling that whatever you're doing, wherever you're going, everything...has to stop for just a second so you can go home to get whatever you need. 

"It" may not even be anything. You may just need to go home. You may just need to get away from work, away from life, away from everything that demands you and go home. It's kind of a weird thing to think about and I honestly never did until tonight. I was just on the phone with my boyfriend and he was telling me about a conversation he had with this lady. He had dropped some crazy knowledge on her and she felt so overwhelmed by what she had heard that she said "I gotta go home". Him and I both laughed on the phone when he told me that. The way she said it just caught us both in a funny way. She was saying it as if to say 

"I need to lie down right now. You just dropped some insane stuff on me and my brain is heavy and my head hurts and I need to process all of this right now, probably while laying down." 

I want to meet this lady. I want to meet her for a variety of reasons, but right now I want to meet her because she has just coined my new favorite phrase. She just summed up exactly how I felt today. I love my new job. It is absolutely wonderful. It tests me. It forces me to grow. I never encounter the same day twice and I'm blessed enough to get to serve people. In the midst of all the chaos and change, I love my job...but sometimes I just gotta go home. Tonight, it was 6:15 and I just had to go home. 

I have worked 10 hour days the past three days in a row. I have dealt with some angry people, some confused people, some happy people, some children, some babies, some elderly people. I have sent emails. I have made phone calls. I have attended meetings. I have updated the appointments on my calendar approximately 47 times this week. I am mentally exhausted. 

I feel like such a wuss sometimes. I just got done working two years in residential. I moved to an "office" job. I'm tired on a Thursday because my brain hurts. I just gotta go home. 

I used to work back to back doubles essentially babysitting 12 teenage boys on 4 hours of sleep while in grad school...when did I become such an old person??? It's okay though. I'm growing up. I'm learning that balance is key. I'm learning that it's okay to work long days. It's okay to be tired. It's okay to step back and say "All the work is done. I need a break. I gotta go home." I've declared tonight self care Thursday. I need a night where I don't have to talk to any people. I need a night where I can be alone, recharge and process everything I've encountered this week. I need a night where the only thing my brain has to think about, is what it wants to think about and not what other people would like it to think about. 

Four

Every year I wonder if this is going to be "the year". Maybe this year I won't cry at all. I won't change my Facebook profile picture to one of her and I. I won't make a status in remembrance of her.  One day I wonder if I'll just be sitting somewhere writing the date and it will dawn on me. I see it almost like a movie in my head, an older woman sitting at a table sees 9/21 on a calendar and thinks "Oh, it is September 21st, gosh...it's been 25 years since mom died." I wonder if that will happen. I wonder if it will take 21 more years to reach that point. Do I want to reach that point? This entire week I've been aware of today being the 21st. I hate this day. This is the only day that I have to work really hard to be aware of my thought processes because I'm likely to burst into tears at any point. 

Every year I'm at a different point in my life and I always find myself reflecting on who I've become in the past 4 years. I'm so aware of how I am like her, of what I learned from her in her life, I try to be just as conscious to what I've learned in her death. It's important to me. A lot has happened in the past 4 years. I can sit here and look at how everything unfolded in the time that passed after her death and now I understand it more and more. The last four years have been hard. As much as I have wanted my mom around in the last four years, things have really started to go well in my life and now I really want her around. I'm figuring life out. I have a job, three degrees, a wonderful boyfriend, a great apartment. I'm proud of who I have become. 

That is the hardest part. I want my mom to be here with me. I want her to experience the good part of my life. I want her to experience the part of my life where I understand who I am, who God made me to be, what I'm supposed to be doing (at least most days). There are so many conversations that I want to have with her every day. There are so many times that I still want to talk only to her, she's the only one that I could even begin to about some things. I miss getting to tell her the ridiculous things that happen, the hilarious things, the sweet things, I miss ALL the things. My mom was amazing and every day without her sucks a little. 

I don't live my life in constant despair because I don't have a mom. In fact, 98% of the day I am perfectly happy and focused on whatever task is at hand. I live life day to day and try to do my best every day. I can tell you that on a daily basis I will have something that reminds me of my mom or makes me miss her and just for that split second I am broken. I don't cry. I don't get sad. Usually I smile and remember her but I also hurt because I miss her. I know everyone misses her. I know this because they tell me. I know this because I look like her and I talk like her and I act like her and sometimes old friends look at me with the sad eyes of a friend missing an old friend. Sometimes people look at me like I'm her ghost, they probably don't even know they do it, but I see it and I understand it and in that moment we are both broken. 

I've been up since 4am today. That is typical of this day. I wake up and fall back asleep and I do this until I just get tired of rolling around. This morning that moment came as I was waking up whilst falling out of bed. I am 25 years old. I have not fallen out of bed since I was a child...until today. I'm not even kidding. I'm not sure why but for some reason this year, this day is the hardest it has been yet. I write this posts every year to gauge where I am, who I am, how I'm doing, etc. The crazy thing is that in the past 4 years...I am the happiest I have ever been right now. I think that is what makes this day the hardest. My mom was great at happy. My mom was the greatest party planner/hostess/life of the party ever. Seriously. This is not a game. I have multiple witnesses that can attest to her karaoke skills, her ability to make anyone smile, her hilarity and how great a tan she had. My mom knew how to have fun. My mom knew how to live. I finally understand myself. I finally am beginning to understand. Right now...I am the woman my mom wanted me to become. I took a weird path but I did it. I got my masters. I moved back home. I got a job. She would be so proud of me, and that's why this year is the hardest. I've grown so much that now the majority of my friends don't know who my mom was. There are only a handful of people that know who she was. That's why this year is the hardest. With every year that passes, more and more of her gets lost from the world. That's why this year is the hardest.

Participate

Today was essentially the perfect Sunday. I woke up earlier than I usually do, was able to enjoy a cup of coffee before church and get to the service about 15 minutes earlier. The only downside to this morning was when I walked out to my car to discover I had left my sunroof open overnight...in a thunderstorm. That was just spectacular...let me tell ya. I don't even care that my car is kind of (really) soggy and probably smells weird, the greatest tragedy was stereo. It is fried. DEAD. It ceases to produce any type of music...and no longer displays the time either. 

Thank God I was blessed with a sense of humor because I was able to laugh at this and look at the positives (my car still runs) and put the negatives in perspective (I'll just have to sing all the time if I don't have a radio). After church I had lunch with the family as usual and feasted on my frisco melt from Steak n Shake, literally hit the spot for me today. Capping off my afternoon with watching New Girl on Netflix, wearing leggings and a hoodie, I had pretty much felt like I accomplished the perfect Sunday already. I decided randomly throughout the afternoon that to get my chocolate fix and save money (also avoid going into the public), I could just make some fudge here at home. Well...I made said fudge, it was delicious, and throughout my roommate and my Grey's Anatomy marathon we have somehow managed to eat nearly the entire pan. I'm not even sorry, I'll just run the stairs a few times tomorrow. 

While watching Grey's Anatomy I slipped into something between a food coma and a diabetic coma and I woke up wide awake...at 12:30am. Did I mention that tomorrow is Monday? Did I also mention that I have a meeting at 8:45 and court at 9:30 for work? All of these things are true, yet here I am...wide awake at 2:42am. I don't know if it's the caffeine or the nap but either way I'm awake for awhile. The plus side to my bizarre sleep schedule is that it's way more conducive to talking to my boyfriend on the west coast. With our two hour time difference I'm often a few hours from waking up for work and he's a few hours from going to bed. I live the 9-5 office job and he's the rockstar ;-) 

It was so nice to talk to him today. I figured that I wouldn't really get the chance. Sunday's are always busy days for me between church, lunch with family, and whatever errand/chore I usually have to get done before the week starts. On top of it being a typically busy day for me (even though today I was uncharacteristically lazy), he was having a MUCH busier day by anyone's standards. From 3:30-5:30 Pacific Time, he and his band would playing for thousands of people at America's Cup Park in San Francisco. Let me tell ya...as busy as my day was, at least I didn't have to talk to thousands of people and perform on a stage. I don't know how he does it. I am so proud of my boyfriend everyday, you don't even know. I don't care if you think it's annoying or if you find our love disgusting, he's amazing and I have every reason in the world to be proud of him. 

He is a rock star in every sense of the term. The man was clearly born to be on a stage, his presence just gravitates people to him, yet he is the most humble. I fell in love with this quiet, soulful, deep thinking man who was so respectful and kind. He had this dorky giggle when his cousin would make him laugh really hard and he annoyingly sagged his pants. He was this amazing blend of everything I wanted in a best friend, partner, and boyfriend. He makes me laugh harder than anyone can. He pushes me to love God more, to show love more and to be the very best woman I can be. Talking to him on the phone tonight was such a blessing. As if long distance relationships aren't hard enough, I got my phone shut off this week, we're texting via an app on wifi and he gets terrible cell reception in San Francisco. I smile every time I hear his voice. We can talk for 5 minutes or 5 hours and I still feel the exact same way when we hang up. I am blessed. I used to say that "I'm the luckiest girl in the world." I stopped saying it because it wasn't true. I'm not lucky. I was blessed. I am blessed. We are blessed. I believe with all my heart that God placed the two of us together for a very specific purpose. Every day we learn more and more of what that purpose could be and how we can work harder for God. I can tell you one thing. The core of our purpose is love, in every sense of the term. Today was Sunday. It was the Sabbath, a day of rest. Today I did exactly what I needed to on this Sunday. I basked in the love of God and it was so perfect.

Leaving church this morning I heard the words of the sermon echoing, "Participate in new life". The sermon called for us to go live in community with those who need to see Jesus. Help those around us take those steps. Those who are alive, help him live. I pondered these thoughts in the afternoon, I sketched some ideas after my nap, and now again I sit here thinking about the words. Tomorrow...I will be exhausted. I will have to go do my job on little sleep and lots of caffeine because I made choices today. I slept at odd hours, I ate too much fudge, I drank too much soda...I was a bum. It doesn't really matter though. I needed it and it gave me the opportunity to see something. Sometimes having a Netflix marathon with your roommate or staying up super late to talk to your long distance boyfriend are all the things you really need to understand God's love. The great thing about God, is just like Pastor Todd says, he wants to fill you. He wants to use you. It's sooooo easy. Whenever I get really overwhelmed by God's love (like today in church or when I realize how blessed I am with my Craigslist roommate and rockstar boyfriend) I just get really excited at how I know God is going to use me. He's filling me so I can pour out. Tomorrow is Monday. It is supposed to suck. That's what Monday's DO. I know that my Monday is going to rock the pants off of the entire day...because God filled me today and that means tomorrow he is going to do some amazing work. 

I'm going to bed now. It's 3:00am...my alarm will be going off in 4 hours. When I was a camp counselor I worked in the hot sun for 12 hour days and ran on 3 hours of sleep, I can do this. Tomorrow is Monday...I operate on God strength. I'm going to participate in new life.

TGBTG

Shiny Things

Yesterday was September 1st, which may not be of any real significance to anyone, and it wasn't to me either...until yesterday. It was Sunday and as usual I was planning on going to church at PoC at 10am. The only difference yesterday was that first I had to drop off my boyfriend at the bus station and send him back to the west coast. I was running late already and then after leaving Uptown Normal at 10 am I just made peace with the fact that I was going to be late to church. I slid into the row next to my brother just as Pastor Todd introduced the next two worship songs. My prayer at that moment was for God to allow me to see His face during the service. 

I love worship music. As a child, long before I could really understand the sermon, the worship music was always my favorite part of church. Worship music is the channel through which God allows me to focus on Him. I am a very hyperactive person who is easily distracted. Worship music allows me to work out my holy energy and settle down before the sermon. As the sermon began I got to taking notes, which is my second method of focusing on the sermon. Pastor Todd and I speak the same organizational love language and his sermons are always perfectly built for taking notes. This makes my nerdy self extremely happy and it's one of those silly little things that I thank God for. God really does delight in the tiniest desires of our heart. 

Pastor Todd's sermon this week was on John 9:1-41, the miracle of Jesus healing the blind man with mud. The question he challenged us with was "What if I'm wrong?". In other words, how do we know we're making the right decision? We're doing what we're supposed to. The answer? We don't...unless we are embedding Jesus in every decision we make. We have to turn to Jesus before anything else because nothing else should even come close to demanding our allegiance. We need to focus on Jesus so that he is the filter through which every decision is made. 

Let me tell you a little something about God. He has a plan. Its a gigantic plan that is so amazing and perfectly built for you that if you tried to understand you'd fail to even grasp how great His love for you really is. I started to really understand that right before I made the choice to get baptized. As I felt God opening my eyes to understanding His love, I felt Him leading me to be baptized and proclaim my love for him. Before the sermon Pastor Todd had the ushers pass out plastic diamonds to all of us. These were our "shiny things", they served as the tool to help us understand what shiny thing might be distracting us from God. 

I can tell you right now that there are many things that will distract you from God. My shiny thing came in the form of my medical leave. I was so distracted by my own "misfortune" that I began to question God's plan, God's will and just what the heck was he doing. A churchgoer asked me during my leave what I was doing with my time and challenged me to talk to God and see why He gave me this time. I took his advice and started spending A LOT of time with God. I talked to Him all day long. I had nothing else to do. I read the Bible, I prayed all the time, I listened to worship music like it was going out of style. You know what happened? God showed me His plan...and I didn't like it. I understood that I wasn't graduating in May. This pained me. I had been dying to graduate in May and move back home. I wanted so badly to live in my hometown, to get more involved with my church, to be near my family. I was mad. God's plan was for me to stick it out another three months, graduate in August...then try to find a job. I was beyond ticked at Him, so I gave Him the silent treatment for a few days before realizing that was a worse plan than just going along with His plan and trusting Him. 

You want to know how much God loves me? I made it through medical leave...in His time. When His time had reached He got me home. He fulfilled the desires of my heart. He got me a job in three days. He found me a place to live in three more days. He got me home, safe, sound, loved and happy...in His time, through His method and His love. Let me tell you. I was panicking. I was starting a new job with no place to live...I found one a week before I started my job...I moved in 2 days before I started my job. God provides. 

Yesterday at church Todd ended the sermon on a thud with the question of "what if I'm wrong?". He apologized if that irritated some people because they didn't have closure. The question of "what if I'm wrong?" can be really scary if you don't know for sure. For me, it wasn't scary. I don't say that to brag or make myself look good, but to give God the greatest glory. God has provided for me. I don't question if He's there, if He loves me, if I'm worthy. I didn't get it in my timing. I was irritated. I had to literally wait on the Lord, but it didn't matter. In the end I had everything that I needed and more. I'm not wrong. I don't have to worry about the answer to that question. I'm not here in my hometown because I WANTED to me. I'm here because God WANTED me to be and He cares about what He wants. When you love what God loves...your life isn't scary. I'm not perfect. I don't have everything together. What I do have...is a God that is so big I can't even imagine every aspect of Him. 

Today I got to sing worship songs and hang out with my PoC family as we walked in the Labor Day Parade throwing candy and worship Jesus in the streets. It was such a surreal moment for me. Here I am...in my hometown...worshiping the biggest God who loves me so much, surrounded by people who share in that. 

It was so cool just to bask in what God has blessed me with. I don't need to be distracted by worries or people or situations because I have the shiniest God who is greater than anything I can imagine. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dkiVO9Q1SVg&feature=share

TGBTG :-)

My Heart is Full

When thinking about this blog post I felt the need to almost apologize to those who may read it, but then I thought...no, it's good to feel this way. 

I am in love. It's the kind of love I never expected, always dreamed of and to be honest, had kind of given up on. I don't mean to say that I stopped believing in love, I just stopped believing that it might be what God wanted in my life. As long as I can remember I have always wanted to be a wife and mother but through a series of events I began to think that maybe it wasn't God's plan. The thing I forgot during all of that time was that God puts desires in your heart for a reason, he made you this way, and as I sit here I realize that he is slowly but surely putting the pieces into place for my desires to be fulfilled in his time and his glory. 

Almost 9 months ago I met the one I call my duck. I could explain why I call him duck, but to anyone else the term will be lost. All you really need to understand is that he is in every sense of the term, my better half. 

When he walked into my life I had no idea the path that God was about to lead us on. 9 months later, I'm beginning to understand but I still can't fathom it. When we're together, there is this ridiculous energy that just drives us. I never bought into the whole "soulmate" concept but then you put us together and it makes it hard to question. It literally feels like he is a part of me and I am a part of him. We talk in half sentences, communicate with tiny flickers in our eyes, we read each other's thoughts and we love each other more than imaginable. 

We talk a lot about our relationship. The other day we agreed that our relationship is so wonderful and we love each other so much because we each want the best for each other. Love becomes something so intense when it is for the right reasons. We fell in love with each other's souls. We definitely argue but it is always because we are pushing the other to be a better version of ourselves. We are more than boyfriend and girlfriend. We are partners. We push each other every day to love more, to help more, to care more. We both love people and have a deep desire to change the world and stir people up. We live with such passion that when you combine the two of us together there is this energy that just awakens people. 

We laugh a lot because people STARE at us. We're unique. We get it. 

The other day we walked into the store and I'm not sure what we were wearing but it was probably something bizarre, as most days, between the two of us, we're wearing the rainbow. This guy walking towards us looked me up and down, looked my duck up and down, looked back at me, and then gave a head nod to both of us. We both just turned to each other, made a face and started cracking up. We both knew what the other was thinking at that moment and it just struck us as hilarious. This chain of events happens at least once a day. 

Right now, at this very moment, I have the bedroom door shut because my duck has turned the living room into a recording studio and he's laying down the 3 songs he wrote today. As I sit here listening to him I fall more and more in love. He is seriously one of the most magnificent creations I have ever witnessed. God was not playing when he made this kid. It's funny because I've known for a long time that God created me (just as he did everyone) to do huge, giant things in his name. As God places these desires in my heart I get excited and I tell my duck. You know what happens? Duck shares his and they fall perfectly in place with mine. Do you have any idea the joy that fills your heart when you realize God is operating through you, and his will and your will are aligning to create a masterpiece? 

It's AMAZING. 

I'm so blessed right now. I love my new job, my new apartment and my (not so new) boyfriend. I am overwhelmed on a daily basis by how much God loves me. He has given me every desire of my heart and I don't even feel worthy most days. 

My prayer, today and for the rest of my life is that my daily actions glorify Him in every way. I thank Him for the gift of my duck and I absolutely cannot wait to see where he is taking our relationship and what glory he will display in it. 

Hello Whirlwind

At this very moment it is late Friday night, I have just returned from grocery shopping and dinner at Steak n Shake with my main squeeze. It was the very thing I needed to cap off this week, a nice evening spent with Duck just running errands and being silly.

This past week I was commuting daily to Springfield for training and it thoroughly exhausted me. I'm so glad that I'm down to a 5 minute commute. My new apartment is a whole 1.7 miles from my office, I'm definitely spoiled now. I've been living here for 3 weeks now and I still haven't finished unpacking. My roommate just "officially" moved in on Wednesday and she starts classes on Monday. Today we shared a celebratory text over the fact that she got hired at Chipotle (YES!).

Honestly, the entire moving process was completely exhausting. I left the academy the 25th, had my going away party the 26th, moved the 27th and started at the agency on the 29th. It was madness. The first two weeks of my new job I just sat alone in my office, doing online trainings, as the rest of my team was out in the field and in other cities in trainings. I thought I was going to LOSE MY MIND. I was so used to being around people constantly at my previous job that when it was still and quiet I just didn't know what to do. It became increasingly apparent during those two weeks that my adult ADHD might need some attention...

This past week I was in Springfield with child welfare workers from agencies all over the state completing our training to be licensed child welfare workers. It was an interesting week to say the least. It reminded me of being in grad school again, with a class of 18 adults trying to grasp necessary knowledge for our job. There were definitely some frustrating moments along with some moments of sheer hilarity. I'm glad it's over though, the commute was killing me.

Tonight I got the final load of stuff from the storage  shed at my old house and I can officially say I am moved out and I never have to return there again. It's a really nice feeling honestly. I'm back in my home town, I'm working a great job with flexible hours and a miniscule commute, and for the past three weeks I've been lucky enough to have Duck here helping me set the place up and just being the best boyfriend in the world. The pieces are really coming together in my life and it's so nice to see the light at the end of this tunnel.

Exterior of the loft

My bedroom

Coming Up Roses

I can remember just a few months ago when Beverly and I were in the midst of broken down cars, overdrawn bank accounts, medical leave and general work stress and our constant prayer was just for things to get easier.

Often times as Christians we walk for so long that we take our struggle for granted. Beverly and I would pray for each other that our worries would subside and we could just breathe easy. During that time we would listen to WBGL together and encourage each other to keep our faith.

This week, specifically today, it seems like our faith and patience has been rewarded. Just this week alone I am ending one job, starting another, moving into a loft, reuniting with my duck after 5 months and packing and cleaning endlessly.

Beverly is celebrating her own transitions, with a new apartment, new job and blossoming relationship. It seems like we are indeed growing up.

Today I left the job I have been at for nearly two years. Through this job I have met my two best friends and ultimately my dearest duck. It has been a hard two years but I have grown, learned and transformed so much that I have to look back on it fondly. I am starting a new chapter right now. I am moving, starting a new job and opening up so many pages in my life. I can't wait to see where this road takes me.

Mustard Seeds

Considering the last two weeks have been a total and complete blur of God just blessing me left and right in every aspect of my entire life, I'll try to sum it up as best as I can...with a list. 

1) I felt God calling me to move back to my hometown, get more involved with my church youth group, specifically the teenage girls. 

2) I finish my internship for my master's program in 9 days. 

3) I started applying to post-grad jobs in Bloomington, praying along the way that God's will be done and would be completely and totally obvious to me.

4) In a matter of 7 days I applied, was interviewed and hired onto a wonderful company in Bloomington that is literally perfect for me. God showed me along the way that it was his will, by sharing that my new supervisors I'll be working with are also strong Christian women. 

5) Last week at church my youth pastor asked me to step up and be a leader on the youth trip to King's Island this week. In a matter of three days I had wonderful coworkers switching shifts to accomodate the days off needed to go on the trip. 

6) I found the perfect apartment. I viewed it. I needed a deposit. I prayed. I saw mustard seeds everywhere and my family and friends came together to get me the deposit. 

7) I made my application and my deposit to the leasing office literal moments before someone else went  to apply. 

8) The apartment is mine pending the approval of my application. Yesterday when I went to look at it with one of my bff's the key I got from the leasing office didn't open the door. In perfect timing the neighbor to my future apartment let me in the front door and then I was able to see the apartment. 

9) It is completely gorgeous. 

It's so amazing how God just shows me each and every day how big and loving He is. Two weeks ago I didn't know where I was going. Now I'm weeks away from moving back home, into a beautiful apartment, blocks away from my best friend, my new job, my church and grandma. I couldn't be happier. 

Oh...this would be my view every day when I walked out my front door :-) 

Run, Don't Walk

Hello friends. I apologize that it has been over a month since I last wrote. My life has continued to be increasingly insane and it really hasn't slowed down. In two weeks I will be finishing my internship and officially done with graduate school!! In other news....I'm moving!

A few weeks ago I started applying to post-grad jobs. I really felt the Lord calling me back to my hometown. He was laying it on my heart to get more and more involved with my church and making it clear that in order to do so, I'd have to be in Bloomington. This was equal parts welcoming and hard for me. My family and a few friends are still in Bloomington, while my love is 2000 miles away in California. I put in a few different applications, not expecting to hear anything back this soon. Well...in a 5 day turnaround (!!!) I applied, interviewed and was hired for a salary position in Bloomington.

I guess it turns out that when God wants you somewhere he will move in giant ways to get you there. On top of that...I start in 3 weeks and somehow have to find a place to live in that amount of time. I have replied to 34,523 Craigslist ads (or so it feels) for rooms for rent, people seeking roommates, etc. I'm blessed enough to have gotten a response and it seems like God is once again working in huge ways to physically get me down here.

Life has been insane lately. I put in my notice and I end this job on July 25th and start my new job on July 26th. Yeah...this is happening FAST. I have NO money saved up for a move because I haven't bounced back from medical leave yet and I wasn't expecting to move this soon.

Now would be the time for huge prayers for me as I continue to put my ducks in a row and start this new chapter of my life.

Me-->We

I took the plunge. I walk with God. I am in crazy love.

I was surrounded by friends and family both physically and in spirit.

I am blessed.

Crazy Love

I am 99% sure that I have used that as a title before. If I have, I don't really care because it is that important to me. I may have even shared part of this story before, but again, it's an important one.

Almost 5 years ago, I was 20 years old and finishing up my sophomore year of college and looking for a summer job. I was working at a local deli, looking to move home for the summer and wanting a "fun" job. I remembered my teenage days, teaching tee-ball to toddlers and I wanted to do something similar. Through the power of Google and a wild hair in me, I took a job in Michigan as a Day Camp Director. I committed the next 3 months to working with kids outside of Detroit.

To detail that experience you would need to read the 200 page journal I kept that summer. In a nutshell, it was the summer that changed my life.

My church is named Point of Change and as a Christian, you are taught to recognize your personal "point of change", that moment when you knew that you were a believer of God and you had been saved. The summer of 2008, as I was covered in mosquito bites and experiencing the ginger version of a "tan", I reached my Point of Change.

I won't discredit being "born and raised" in the church. Those basic Biblical foundations from Sunday School stories of Noah and Abraham teach us greater things. They form an understanding of the love of God, however, it was in that summer that the overwhelming love of God, the Father, smacked me in the face.

I was hungry for God's word. I sat in a Borders bookstore, soaking up the A/C and praying. I asked God to please provide for me financially and allow me to purchase a book that would set me on fire. I opened my eyes and immediately caught sight of a thin, red book. I picked it up, noting the simple cover design of two arrows and the title...Crazy Love.

I took my seat again and began to read the first few pages. The opening lines told the history behind the name "Christian" and its significance for the first disciples. Just two days previous I had done the same devotional with my campers. I felt the Spirit, I knew this book was meant for me at that moment.

Over the next 3 months I read that book and the Bible and I journaled...

Through God's word and that book I received my first glimpses toward revealing my calling. 2 years before that summer I had felt God calling me to the mission field and now his revelations were like a waterfall, rushing over me on a daily basis.

I rebuilt relationships, I forgave, I prayed, I worshipped. I began to understand the crazy love of God. I fell in love with God. In his glorious answer to my prayer, I was set on fire.

Forgive me if it seems as such but none of it was easy. It's been 5 years. The fire, while always present, has dulled to an ember and rose to a blaze, falling along the spectrum of faith over time. I had to learn that was okay. That is something every Christian faces. Every time I stumble or doubt, or I'm full on in my pit, God whispers in my heart "crazy love".

Above everything, God loves you. No matter what you've done or will do, his love never fails. I have been transformed. God healed me with his love and that is something everyone should know and not for my benefit but because everyone deserves to be happy and you can have that in Christ.

Sunday at church, the sermon concluded our series on The Apostle's Creed and we were reminded of the power of those words. Early Christians spoke those words as a testament. Pastor Todd spoke and I'm paraphrasing but the thought is this. Those Christians, when they spoke that creed, they were saying "I don't care if you ridicule me or judge me. Kill me if you must, but I believe in God the Father." I heard those words and thought "something is wrong if our lives make sense to non-believers", one of my favorite Crazy Love quotes.

At that moment, within the service, I knew I had to be baptized. I want to stand up and for His glory say "I believe in God the Father Almighty, maker of heaven and earth. And I believe in the crazy, overwhelming, never failing love of the one true God who gave his son for US."

Crazy Love isn't just a book. It's not an idea. It's not a cool catchphrase. Its cove art is hip and sparks curiosity. It could so easily be a chapter in your life that you remember fondly. That book you read last summer. For me? It's a movement, a calling, it's an ignition within me. It took those Biblical foundations, shone the light on them for me and set my heart on fire for God. It may not work for everyone in that way, but God uses all things for his glory and he showed me that with a simple book that started a cataclysm of God moments in my life. I don't want God moments anymore. I want every word, every breath, everything I do to point back to him. Above all things I want to be like Christ. I want to love. I want my entire being to radiate his love. I want to be crazy.

Things I Have Learned Part 2/The Final Countdown

Ladies and gents, the end is near. In 13 short hours I will be back to work after a 12 week absence. My brain, right now, is going a million miles a minute and I don't even know where to begin really.

I talk about my job a fair amount so if you're a regular reader of this blog or you know me personally then you know that my job is a constantly shifting experience. Before medical leave the most work I'd taken off was 2 weeks and I returned to 300 emails and a LOT of changes. I work with teenage boys in residential treatment, I may leave at the end of the day, but their lives keep going and things happen fast. I won't lie. I am very nervous to go back tomorrow. It's an excited nervousness, but I legitimately feel like a new employee again. When I return tomorrow, I return to 2 new admits, 2 discharges, 1 new staff hired, and 2 staff that have left (and that's just on my unit!!). I can't even speak for what's going on across the rest of the campus.

In the past 12 weeks I have experienced so much that I think I will forever be processing the effect this has had on me as a person, on my personality and most of all my relationship with God. It wasn't too long into my medical leave that I hit my wall, hit my knees, and started to really focus on why I was going through all this. I can't really sum it up, but maybe in a later post I will try to. I'll give you a slight hint...it all started almost 5 years ago and it echoes the time in my life where I first experienced Crazy Love. My church often talks about the different seasons of change in our life. My first season was the summer of  2008, season two could probably be summer 2012 and we'll go ahead and say season three began its reign January 27th...when I began medical leave.

A few weeks ago I posted 11 things I have learned. I now present to you...

7 Things I Know Now:

1) God's plans for your life began at birth and they aren't going to stop. You may walk away or challenge them but even when you're not looking, He's still working, and when you stop and listen and look you'll see what he did weeks, months, years ago to prepare you for this moment.

2) My family is invaluable. We are poor. We work hard. We love much.

3) Your hometown will always be your hometown. No matter how much you "hated" it in high school, you're still attached to it and after being back for 3 months...you might cry when you leave.

4) God has given me a crazy mission. I have accepted it.

5) For the past 12 weeks God has been performing an intense makeover on my heart. It's beautiful.

6) God provides always. Seriously. Always.

7) Life is beautiful.

To be fair...some of these I already knew, but their emphasis in the past 12 weeks is worth repeating. My season isn't over yet. I may be back to work but I'm still growing in God and growing as a woman in Christ. I ask that you continue to pray for me as I literally get back on my feet and financially get back on my feet. I'm feeling very at peace right now and that is all the Holy Spirit resting on me :-)

My Boys

I decided that I must dedicate a post to the circle of love that has surrounded me the past 10 weeks. I often refer to them as "my boys" but really they're men, and some of the finest at that. They're my blood brothers and adopted brothers and I don't know where I'd be without them.

I'm not going to pretend that my entire stay here has been a cake walk but overall my stay has been an experience. In an act of pure love, 9 weeks ago, my brother and two of his best friends came and rescued me so I wouldn't be alone on medical leave, alone on my 25th birthday or without a helper as I spent my time on crutches. They have put up with the crazy symptoms of cabin fever, dealt with me being the only girl constantly crashing guy night and still somehow want to be around me.

I've learned how to make peace. I've learned that House Rule #1 (no talking during hockey) also loosely translates to "no talking ever". I've learned how to trade cleaning services and cooking meals for movie privileges. I have also learned that I am the most blessed girl on the planet. These 3 boys have been my closest circle these past 9 weeks. On Sunday I return home, and leave my boys. Before February 13th I hadn't spent more than 5 consecutive days living with my brother since I was 18 years old. As off Sunday, when I pack up, I will be on day 69, not counting my weekly sleepovers at my stepmom's for "girl's night".

I will definitely miss my boys but I won't miss everything. I won't miss sleeping on a couch or watching endless hours of video games, but I will miss all the laughter and love. They're pretty special, and what do you know? They're all 3 single, ladies! Love these guys. Thanks Jake, Blake and Jo!

Happy Dance

Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached our final destination, the ride has come to a complete stop, the fat lady sang, and the curtain has been lowered...on one season of my life. Medical leave has an end date...Tuesday, April 23, 2013. In just under a week I return to work after an absence of 12 weeks.

For the past 3 months I have lived in a constant state of "Welcome to your life, where you have no control". I have gone to countless doctor's appointments where I have been given open ended dates. My "schedule" the past 3 months has transformed into something I don't recognize. I went from being busy 19 hours of the day, to literally having nowhere I "had" to be for weeks. I'd have a doctor's appointment every two weeks and church every Sunday but other than that my life was pretty much movies, reading and napping.

I was thinking about what to write in this post but I can't even begin to simplify it. I've had 12 weeks of basically "free" time to think, grow, heal and learn. God has taught me more and I have grown more in these last 12 weeks than I think I ever have in my life. I would love to be able to just show you the movie in my head about this experience. Honestly, I don't recommend breaking your foot in 4 places or missing 3 months of work, but I have to be thankful for what I've experienced these past weeks. It was all part of a plan so huge that I'm only beginning to fathom it.

Next week I go back to my "normal" life. I'm still not even close to 100%. I'm just learning to walk again without my boot or crutches. I'm still not allowed to "chase or restrain children" for 2 weeks. I won't be back to school quite yet either. It's still a process, but the end is near and I couldn't be more excited. I've enjoyed this opportunity but I'm ready to wear two shoes, walk on my own, and get back on track...with a few improvements :-)

When It Rains, It Pours

It's a rainy day here in my hometown. I'm actually supposed to be back at my own house but plans change. The idea of plans changing used to send me in a downward spiral. Control and schedule have always been my personal demons.

As I've grown up I've learned that change is good and it keeps you moving forward. This concept is one that I still struggle with but most of the time I'm capable of adapting. This is something I have become better at in the past 10 weeks than my entire life. The past 10 weeks have been the epitome of a huge life lesson in "your plans pale in comparison to God's". At the end of my medical leave I'd like to list all the things I've learned these past almost 3 months but I feel like I'm never going to stop processing this whole experience.

I am in love with a God who loves me so much that he will break my foot in 4 places, allow me to struggle and fight just long enough to understand the power of faith, prayer and trust in Him. I have a friend going through hard times too. It seems like the bad keeps coming and there's no way to stop it. I didn't even think a moment before replying to her text that questioned God's motives for her trials. The Holy Spirit whispered the words of James in my ear and I sent them to her.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. (James 1:2, 3 NIV)

This single concept started getting taught to me back in December. I had no idea why. I started talking to every person in my life that I consider a spiritual role model. I kept telling them "God keeps showing me James". It was beginning to get ridiculous. Songs on the radio, people I would meet, my Bible would literally FALL open to James. It was EVERYWHERE.

Random fact: as a child I always liked the name James. It's my favorite name for a boy and I have no idea why. If kids were in God's plan for me, I always thought I might name my son James.

I'm literally sitting here today, looking at the rain and having this realization. Has God been preparing my heart for the book of James for over 15 years? It's certainly possible. Whatever the reason. The book of James has been a constant theme of my medical leave.

I'm not going to pretend to be so spiritually enlightened that I understand everything The Lord shows me. I am however going to say that in the past 10 weeks I have begun to pay attention more than ever. The whispering words on my heart are there for a reason. I must say, Hollywood really gets it wrong. They have painted a picture for years that convinces people that your life will be picture perfect and true love is found in your soulmate. It's off base to say the least. I don't know if I've ever felt love for a human like I feel for God right now. I've been falling in love for the past 10 weeks and let me tell you, I've never gotten this feeling from a man.

Loving God makes you want to just love people. When you realize that you have an amazing savior who would literally do anything to show you how much he loves you, you start to want to show love that much too. My friend Rebecca blogged about God's love and compared a simple answering of prayer to a kiss from heaven. Beautiful.

I'm not going to lie and say that I've been entirely pleased with God for these past 10 weeks, but as I sit here I can see where his love is working and realize I am surrounded by heavenly kisses.

62 Days and Counting

Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached our final destination, the ride has come to a complete stop, the fat lady sang, and the curtain has been lowered...on one season of my life. Medical leave has an end date...Tuesday, April 23, 2013. In just under a week I return to work after an absence of 12 weeks.

For the past 3 months I have lived in a constant state of "Welcome to your life, where you have no control". I have gone to countless doctor's appointments where I have been given open ended dates. My "schedule" the past 3 months has transformed into something I don't recognize. I went from being busy 19 hours of the day, to literally having nowhere I "had" to be for weeks. I'd have a doctor's appointment every two weeks and church every Sunday but other than that my life was pretty much movies, reading and napping.

I was thinking about what to write in this post but I can't even begin to simplify it. I've had 12 weeks of basically "free" time to think, grow, heal and learn. God has taught me more and I have grown more in these last 12 weeks than I think I ever have in my life. I would love to be able to just show you the movie in my head about this experience. Honestly, I don't recommend breaking your foot in 4 places or missing 3 months of work, but I have to be thankful for what I've experienced these past weeks. It was all part of a plan so huge that I'm only beginning to fathom it.

Next week I go back to my "normal" life. I'm still not even close to 100%. I'm just learning to walk again without my boot or crutches. I'm still not allowed to "chase or restrain children" for 2 weeks. I won't be back to school quite yet either. It's still a process, but the end is near and I couldn't be more excited. I've enjoyed this opportunity but I'm ready to wear two shoes, walk on my own, and get back on track...with a few improvements :-)

Things I Have Learned Part 1

I'll give you a brief glimpse of the thought process I get at 2am after waking up from a poorly timed nap. I'm sitting here and my brain is just running over all my little realizations recently, specifically the past 7 ish weeks on medical leave. Honestly, I've learned so many things I can't put them in one post so I'll just chop them up and spread them out over the next few weeks. Some are funny, some are poignant, some are unable to be classified.

Here are 11 Things I Know Now:

1) Hitting the 40 hour monthly listening limit on Pandora mobile radio is not that hard. Also, I think I figured out the shuffle algorithm.

2) Independence is underrated but not nearly as much as humility.

3) Boredom is a figment of your imagination. Seriously. If you're bored, you're really just giving up, because your mind is fantastic.

4) There is a man named Johnny Rutledge who played for the Arizona Cardinals on 2003. I only know this because my brother's created team on Madden 03 for PS2 replaced the Cardinals roster and we couldn't figure out why the announcer could say "Rutledge" but everyone else was "that guy".

5) Your sleep schedule is the easiest thing to destroy and the hardest thing to fix.

6) I have mastered the patterns of my iPhone battery.

7) You will literally never run out of something to read. There are endless amounts of information available to you.

8) The same can be said for music. You can never stop discovering new music.

9) There are many things I once took for granted that I now appreciate so much. Example: my ability to find humor in any situation

10) I already knew this but it's been emphasized. I have the best brother in the world. How many 23 year old bachelor's would offer to take care of their 25 year old, broken footed, at times overbearing sister?

11) The longest I can stay indoors without freaking out is 3 days. Then I must breathe fresh air or I will inevitably start crying and demanding freedom from the indoors.

Herman Carver

There is a man in my life who ha never failed me. My entire life I've been a "grandpa's girl". I share my grandpa's ginger hair and freckles. We were both at one time tall and lanky. We both enjoy bananas with our morning coffee.

Today I was faced with the thought of losing him. I got the phone call that he was in the hospital my brother looked at me, saw my face, and immediately knew it was bad. Everyone knows I'm a grandpa's girl. My flannel shirt fixation is clearly his doing and what other 25 year old knows who Paul Harvey is?

I would "work" in my grandpa's shop. He'd be caning and I would be chiseling...yes CHISELING, on the work bench at all of 8 years old. We'd listen to lite rock and "...the rest of the story". My grandpa showed The Rockford Files. He showed me that you can take up piano lessons at almost 70 years old. He read The Christmas Story every year before we open presents, he prefers quiet to chaos, he mutes TV commercials. He loves Western movies, toy cars, southern cooking, and my Grandma Grace. I know, without a doubt, that no matter what happens, it will all be okay. Even if I lose my Grandpa Herman on Earth, I'll never lose the man he is. I'll never lose one of the greatest role models I've ever had.

UPDATE: Grandpa is doing well. They are keeping him overnight for observation. Grandma is back home and will be joining the family in The Amen Corner tomorrow morning. Everything worked out in God's timing, all the right people did all the right things and God was right where He needed to be.